ARENA
The arena lights dim, and a blinding spotlight slams seemingly at random into the crowd.
Stunned and bewildered, people completely fail to clap and chant on cue, while the ring crew get their shit together and remember somebody was supposed to be directing the light toward the entrance ramp. There's a stammered, barely-audible apology and a shuddering creak that cuts through the opening few seconds of "The Greatest Show", but as the strings hit...
...there they are, resplendent in the spotlight. Two willowy redheads, playing their own cheer squad because nobody else seems particularly inclined to do it for them. A volunteer medic quickly dispenses eye drops to the blinded members of the audience as the spotlight tracks this mysterious tag team en route to the ring.
GERI GAINES: Peasants, rejoice! This is the moment you've waited for!
GINNY GAINES: I'm Ginny, she's Geri! We're the ones that you can't ignore!
GERI GAINES: We heard there was a tournament--
GINNY GAINES: -and we're here to put out the call!
There's the call, but there's no response. The music has come to a very awkward end. Geri cringes, looking at her sister.
GERI GAINES: Oh, uh.
GINNY GAINES: Ahem-HEM! We are THE--
Rallying, Geri joins her sister in declaring, perfectly synchronized at the bottom of the ramp:
BRIDGEPORT GAINES: BRIDGEPORT GAINES!
GERI GAINES: And somebody forgot to include us in the, the wotsit? The thingy?
GINNY GAINES: The boomer cop guys tag team tournament™!
GERI GAINES: ™! Yes, that! Disgusting!
GINNY GAINES: Audacious!
GERI GAINES: Genuinely unacceptable, Ginny! I think I speak for both of us when we say--
BRIDGEPORT GAINES: THIS WILL NOT DO!
The girls climb onto the apron, and turn as one to point energetically at the stage.
GERI GAINES: We are calling YOU out!
GINNY GAINES: An open challenge, to any team that honestly believes--
GERI GAINES: They're better than us--
BRIDGEPORT GAINES: THE BRIDGEPORT GAINES!
Nobody applauds. Nobody steps out to answer the challenge.
GERI GAINES: This is our show.
GINNY GAINES: These are our fans.
The girls exchange a nervous glance, nod encouragingly to one another, and re-do their dramatic pointing gesture.
BRIDGEPORT GAINES: AND WE ARE BETTER THAN YOU!
For a moment, it looks like tumbleweeds, and then "Metal Health" by Metalachi hits, and the crowd pops out of sheer relief!
FIONA METZ: Oh, thank fuck!
DICK DELAURIER: For once, we agree, that was getting embarrassing.
Peregrina Loca bursts from behind the curtain, fired up and physical from the outset as she springs onto the distinctly-ramshackle barricade and runs the length of it toward the ring, even managing to slap a few outstretched hands before springing off to land in a three-point crouch looking up at the mouthy redheads, who are frantically and indignantly waving their arms.
BRIDGEPORT GAINES: CUT! CUT! NO! UNACCEPTABLE! CUT!
Peregrina straightens up as her music fades, throwing out her arms to a chorus of boos from the crowd. Ginny 'eeps!' and ducks a flying beer can, only saved from tumbling off the apron by her sister. They cling to each other for protection.
GERI GAINES: Sorry, nope! We can't accept this challenge--
The crowd boo even louder, forcing the pair to raise their voices shrilly.
GINNY GAINES: BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT--
BRIDGEPORT GAINES: A TAG TEAM!!
Puffing out her cheeks, the luchadora beseeches the crowd, who respond by not only getting louder again, but raining down a veritable hailstorm of trash on the Bridgeport princesses. They bail off the apron, taking cover under the stage.
GINNY GAINES: Look, look, we don't make the rules!
GERI GAINES: I mean, we kind of do.
GINNY GAINES: Oh that's
true, we do.
GERI GAINES: Mmhm! So, come back when you've made a friend.
GINNY GAINES: As if you could!
The pair break down giggling at this clearly hilarious insult, and the crowd erupt. Peregrina steps back over to the barricade, and looks to them, shielding her eyes with a hand and then pointing off into one of the back rows.
GERI GAINES: What's she doing?
GINNY GAINES: I think she's picking out a partner?
After a bit of confusion, the crowd pops and a strapping six-foot fella saunters to the front, clasping hands with the plucky woman.
GERI GAINES: Nope! Nuh uh!
GINNY GAINES: That's not fair, he's far too heavy.
GERI GAINES: Weight classes are a thing, it's in the rules!
FIONA METZ: Is that in the rules, Dick?
DICK DELAURIER: You know it's not...
The crowd are out of things to throw, so they settle for erupting into further boos. Peregrina puffs out her cheeks, says a few apologetic words to her chosen partner, and dismisses him, looking around the arena for a moment...
...before her eyes settle on a passing member of the ring crew. It just so happens to be the boy who urged the spotlight onto Bridgeport Gaines during their entrance, and he weighs about one thirty soaking wet.
GINNY GAINES: Oh yeah, he'll do.
GERI GAINES: He looks perfect!
BRIDGEPORT GAINES: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
The crowd start to boo again, but Pera waves them down, and asks for a mic.
PEREGRINA LOCA: You have made a terrible mistake, Bridgeport Gaines. I am Peregrina Loca, and this is my partner--
She extends the microphone to the poor lad - who looks shell-shocked, but gets his name out on the second attempt.
KENNY THE RING BOY: Kenny.
The crowd go absolutely wild, stomping and chanting for Kenny, the Ring Boy.
PEREGRINA LOCA: ¡VAMOS, LUCHEMOS!
TAG TEAM MATCH
BRIDGEPORT GAINES vs. PEREGRINA LOCA & KENNY THE RING BOY
Without any (more) further ado, the bell rings, and Bridgeport Gaines come scrambling out from under the ring, ambushing the newly-formed técnico team! Kenny throws a few wild hands, but Geri goes right underneath them, and hits him with a spear against the barricade - as Ginny gamely attempts to flying headscissor Peregrina, but is muscled up onto the more powerful woman's shoulders, and eats a spiral powerbomb for her trouble!
DICK DELAURIER: Well, we got there in the end, and ow! Peregrina Loca with a devastating Loca Bomb onto the outside!
FIONA METZ: Wait, you know who this broad is? YOU KNOW HER MOVES?
DICK DELAURIER: I know about Wishbone and I know about Peregrina Loca, yes. She's been wrestling in Mexico for almost two decades, and I believe this is her first foray into the United States. We're lucky to be witnessing this.
FIONA METZ: Aight. I'm just glad to watch these utter losers get beat up. Their theme music kinda fucks, though.
Geri is being pursued around the outside by Peregrina, looking absolutely terrified as she hops over the ring steps, and skids on a banana peel. The veteran closes in on her, and in a blind panic she scoops up an armful of trash and drives it into the luchadora's face, before erupting into a solo performance of 'ews!' and diving at the front of the crowd to wipe her sticky hands off on whatever material is available. She gets a drink in the face for her efforts, to another erupting cheer!
Kenny has stumbled upright, and staggers right into Ginny, who picks him up for a scoop slam - but the formerly-rejected tag partner reaches over the barricade and pulls him free. He flops out and lands on his knees, garnering a frustrated growl from Ginny, who goes for a searing roundhouse kick-- only for someone to yell, "DUCK!" Kenny obliges with the rapidity of someone very used to taking orders, and Ginny spins fully around with her momentum--
--only to get immediately WIPED OUT as Peregrina comes flying through the ropes with a Topé Suicida!
FIONA METZ: This old lady's fast!
DICK DELAURIER: I'm telling you, the landscape of Razor Wrestling just changed forever.
Peregrina recovers, and pulls Kenny to his feet. Geri is still making her way around the outside of the ring, loudly complaining and trying to order someone - anyone - to provide her with some hand sanitizer. Ginny pulls herself up using the barricade, and is just about back on her feet when the crowd absolutely lose their minds! Peregrina has directed traffic with the Ring Boy, getting him to run towards her, then scooping him up and over into a twisting body press that sends both he and Ginny into the crowd. The Bridgeport Gaine is the least fortunate, bouncing off the barricade and landing on a hastily-cleared tangle of chairs, while helpful hands pull Kenny aloft and begin to crowd-surf him along the front row, the whole arena chanting his name.
Peregrina hops onto the apron, conducting the chants with a big grin on her face, only not joining in because she's got eyes on the other woman still standing. Geri has given up her quest for hand sanitizer, and is absolutely horrified to see what's happened to her sister. With a rallying cry of, "Oh, that is IT!" She goes looking under the ring for an equalizer and emerges holding aloft a steel chair, which she brandishes as if she just got handed the nuclear codes.
DICK DELAURIER: This isn't in the rulebook, either. Geri Gaines could be looking at a disqualification here.
FIONA METZ: You're as boring as she is lame. Hit somebody with it!
~CLANG!!~
There's a scream of horror and pain as the weapon clatters angrily against flesh. Peregrina Loca has come soaring off the top rope, hitting a picture-perfect Asai Moonsault that catches Geri Gaines between her own steel chair and a hard place! She's smeared into the floor on the outside, collapsing in a tangle of limbs with her tongue hanging out of her mouth.
FIONA METZ: Haha! That's going on my 'gram!
DICK DELAURIER: I don't know what that is, and I don't think I want to know what that is.
FIONA METZ: OH COME ON!
Peregrina pauses to hit a few high-fives with the fans, then points at the surfing figure of Kenny, and beckons him toward her. The crowd obliges, sending her tag partner back toward the ring as she scoops up the senseless Geri and rolls her under the bottom rope. Young Kenny looks like a kid who's spent the whole day at Disney World, but after a bit of encouragement manages to hook a leg and flop into a breathless pinning predicament upon Geri Gaines. It's academic, but the crowd count along:
"ONE!"
.
.
.
"TWO!"
.
.
.
"THREE!"
BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here are your winners, PEREGRINA LOCA and uh... KENNY! THE RING BOY!
FIONA METZ: For real though, did this actually count as a match?
DICK DELAURIER: Of course it did. Congratulations to Kenny, the best spotlight operator we've ever had, and I guess his new tag team partner, the living legend Peregrina Loca, on making her Razor Wrestling debut here on Shotgun!
FIONA METZ: This is definitely the stupidest wrestling show
ever.
As the crowd continue to lose their minds in support of their newest anointed stars - but mostly, due to an impeccable continuing hype game by Peregrina, Kenny the Ring Boy, the técnicos take to opposite sides of the ring, and perform a dual dive into the crowd, both of them getting surfed around as the show rolls on toward its end! Ginny Gaines has made her way out of the crowd onto the ramp, and is crying and beating her hands on the floor, throwing a full-scale tantrum.
DICK DELAURIER: One day you're going to just admit that you love this.
FIONA METZ: The same day you admit you're boring. And old.
DICK DELAURIER: Why are you like this? Thanks for tuning in, folks.
