RAZOR Wrestling Episode #9

The usual RAZOR Wrestling intro happens but we don’t cut to the announce table. Instead “Ballroom Blitz” by Sweet kicks up. Las Vegas is not happy. "Morte Rapida" Carmine Dante steps out from behind the curtain and is welcomed with boos (and some death threats) from the audience in Bobby Shitake Arena. Dante lets it roll off his back as he holds the curtain open.

DICK DELAURIER: Welcome wrestling fans to RAZOR Wrestling Episode Nine. It appears that we are about to be joined by World Champion PJ Lemon.

FIONA METZ: By the grace of God! The champ is in the building.

“Sour Power” PJ Lemon steps out from behind the curtain and Carmine Dante gives her a respectful bow. Lemon pats him on the head and then holds her championship high in the air for all to see. Lemon trots down to the ring, pleased as punch. Dante follows, shooting hard glares at any fan that dares say something to the champion.

DICK DELAURIER: Folks let's take you back to two weeks ago and our main event where PJ Lemon defended the World Championship against Mark Storm.

No! Mark Storm kicks out again and Bobby Shitake Arena explodes! PJ Lemon immediately takes Storm’s back and starts smashing him in the back of the head with forearms. Storm is defenseless as Lemon pummels him. Carmine Dante approaches Gregory Murphy on the floor and hands him the towel. Storm is not defending himself and after a dozen more shots to the back of his client’s head Murphy reluctantly throws in the towel. Diego Leach sees it and calls for the bell…

FIONA METZ: A massive victory for our champion! Clean as a whistle.

DICK DELAURIER: There are many people who think otherwise. Lest we forget that Lemon hit Storm with the World Championship.

FIONA METZ: Yeah but his idiot manager threw in the towel. Can’t fault Lemon for that!

PJ Lemon and Carmine Dante reach the ring. Dante scrambles up the steps and sits on the middle rope, a gentlemanly gesture. Lemon enters the ring and Dante follows. The champion stands center stage and Dante produces her signature lemon topped microphone. The music dies down but the jeers from Las Vegas do not. Lemon waits patiently – she’s enjoying this.

PJ LEMON: Oh what’s wrong Las Vegas? Are you all a touch pissy that your ZERO Stormy couldn’t get the job done against Top Titty? Are you gonna cry? Shall I have Carmy get you each a bucket to collect your eye piss?

No! Vegas doesn’t need buckets for their eye piss!

PJ LEMON: You all should have fuckin’ listened. I told you cunts that this title right here stays with me ALWAYS. If you think that a boy scout like Stormy could shut down Sour Power then I’ve got a fuckin’ bridge to sell yas.

Carmine Dante stands there looking very smug. PJ Lemon pulls him in close, her arm around his shoulder.

PJ LEMON: For those of you who don’t know – this is Carmine Dante. I beat his ass on Shotgun a few weeks ago. I was kind enough to give him a shot at my World Title and he couldn’t get the job done. But Carmy is a smart cunt. After that match he found me backstage and he told me that he wants to learn the ways of Top Titty. How could I refuse? That’s when we came up with our little plan. Worked to perfection, gotta say.

The champ pinches Dante’s cheek.

PJ LEMON: So now what? Hope Freya, burnt to a crisp. Mark Storm? Brain damage. Who is left for me to face, eh? No cunt has come close to putting me down. I’ve got this roster scared. But Superunknown doesn’t happen without The Juice so who the fuck is going to step–

"Short Change Hero" by The Heavy cues up and Bobby Shitake Arena explodes. PJ Lemon and Carmine Dante look toward the stage, frustrated. Before long “Your Hero And Mine” Mark Storm appears and he does not look happy. His head is bandaged, he’s got a hitch in his step, but he starts walking down to the ring.

PJ LEMON: Oh come on. The fuck are you gonna do?

Mark Storm is nearly at the bottom of the ramp when Liam Richardson and Miles Watson appear! Strike 2 Kill sprint toward the ring but to everyone’s surprise – they stand in Storm’s path. Storm doesn’t take his eyes off of Lemon as he tries to pass by his comrades in Heroes For Hire.

PJ LEMON: Uh-oh Stormy. Looks like the fun boys know that if you step into this ring you’re just gonna get another beating. Listen to ‘em. You don’t want any more of this.

Storm tries to get through but his friends refuse to let him. Storm starts pacing back and forth on the ramp, seething.

PJ LEMON: Back to obscurity, Stormy. The main event in RAZOR just ain’t for you. I have other matters to deal with, like finding an opponent for Superunknown. So take a walk, before you have to get stretchered out of here – again. Ha!

Mark Storm’s eyes are fixed on the champion. PJ Lemon sits on the top rope and blows Storm a kiss. He almost tries to get through Liam Richardson and Miles Watson again but decides against it. Hot start!

All of the participants in the opening commotion leave the ringside area and first match is on deck. The audience in Las Vegas welcomes “Sweet Talker” Zilpah Okelo back to the Bobby Shitake Arena with a massive response – likely due to her fantastic appearance on The Morning Repent on SINergy 97.5. She soaks it all in as she walks down the ramp and enters the ring.

DICK DELAURIER: We haven’t seen Zilpah Okelo wrestle in quite some time. Do we think ring rust is going to be a factor, Metz?

FIONA METZ: Probably. She’s had a shit time in RAZOR so far and in my professional opinion she is about to have it even worse…

The mood takes a dramatic shift. “Changgwi” by Raon Lee starts playing as the arena is plunged into darkness. Before long the stage fills with smoke or some shit. A monster appears, led through the curtain by Shinobu Tsutsumi. This is SHADOJIMA. The two walk down the ramp and Bobby Shitake Arena is silent. This dude is scary as all hell lemme tell you. The duo reach the bottom of the ramp and Tsutsumi gives SHADOJIMA a nod. The hulking beast grabs the top rope from the floor (!) and pulls himself up onto the apron. He steps over the top rope and just as he places his second foot on the mat the lighting returns to normal. Neat trick.

DICK DELAURIER: I do not know if our cameras do it justice but this…well…I guess he’s a man...SHADOJIMA he is just massive.

FIONA METZ: This guy belongs in either a zoo or a wrestling ring. I for one am happy that he is here. I love monsters.

DICK DELAURIER: We know you do.

Referee Zach Ebra calls for the bell. SHADOJIMA just stands there. Zilpah Okelo starts to circle around him and SHADOJIMA doesn’t move an inch. Okelo fires off a kick to the left quad of SHADOJIMA and it doesn’t do anything. Shinobu Tsutsumi just laughs at ringside. Okelo lunges forward with a forearm smash to the chest of SHADOJIMA and it also does nothing. Okelo’s eyes are wide with terror. What is she going to have to do?

FIONA METZ: She can’t hurt this guy! She should just go back to the radio station and see if they are hiring.

DICK DELAURIER: This is one of the many occasions where I am glad I am in the broadcast booth.

Zilpah Okelo takes off for the ropes but on her return SHADOJIMA smashes her in the face with a palm strike that puts Sweet Talker on her ass. Okelo scrambles back up to her feet and starts cussing the monster out. She charges at him again but he drills her with a big boot that sends her tumbling backward. Okelo is face down on the mat and SHADOJIMA starts stomping around the ring, waiting for his opponent to stand.

DICK DELAURIER: The ring is shaking because of the stomps from SHADOJIMA.

FIONA METZ: Fuck sakes, so am I!

Shinobu Tsutsumi wants the Kaiju Beale. She screams from ringside and SHADOJIMA takes hold of Okelo. Following a short glance in the direction of his manager SHADOJIMA launches Okelo across the ring with the KAIJU BEALE! Okelo crashes down to the mat and Las Vegas starts chanting in support of Okelo. Clearly they aren’t afraid of SHADOJIMA. Foolish, but admirable.

FIONA METZ: Vegas with that dickhead energy. They are trying to motivate Okelo just to see her get obliterated. I, for one, love it.

DICK DELAURIER: I think they just want to see her win.

FIONA METZ: Nah, they are being dicks. Trust me, I know dicks. Wait–

DICK DELAURIER: Good Lord.

The support she is getting from Bobby Shitake Arena gives Okelo the motivation to get to her feet. She starts firing off some strikes but SHADOJIMA is not affected. He grabs her by the wrist and pulls her into a MASSIVE scoop powerslam. Okelo writhes in agony on the mat and SHADOJIMA turns to Shinobu Tsutsumi for praise. He gets it. Tsutsumi points to the ceiling and SHADJIMA grunts loudly enough that our microphones register it. Technology!

DICK DELAURIER: What is the relationship between these two?

FIONA METZ: He is her pet monster. Pretty simple, Dick.

DICK DELAURIER: Is that…legal?

FIONA METZ: This is wrestling. What’s legal doesn’t matter.

SHADOJIMA grabs Zilpah Okelo by the throat as the latter lay on the mat. SHADOJIMA hauls her up to her feet and then lifts her high in the air. The camera catches a look of abject terror on Okelo’s face as she is sent crashing down to the mat with Kyojinslam (Chokeslam)! SHADOJIMA looks like he is going to cover but Tsutsumi screams “No! Not enough!”. It’s not? Yeesh. SHADOJIMA stands over Okelo and plots his next move.

DICK DELAURIER: This is enough now.

FIONA METZ: Tsutsumi doesn’t seem to think so.

Tsutsumi’s Pet Kaiju peels Okelo off the mat, she can barely stand. SHADOJIMA hits a toe kick to Okelo’s midsection and lifts her up for a powerbomb. He grabs her tights and hoists her up even higher before he crashes her into the canvas with Depth Bomb (Last Ride)! Okelo is out of it and SHADOJIMA looks once again at Tsutsumi. She says “Still not enough!”. SHADOJIMA roars and rips Okelo up off the canvas and quickly plants her with Into The Shadows (Tombstone). Tsutsumi cackles and says “Very good.” which leads SHADOJIMA to making a cover.

1..

2..

..3!

BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here is your winner, “Tsutsumis' Pet Kaiju” SHADOJIMA!
Shinobu Tsutsumi enters the ring and stands over Zilpah Okelo. Tsutsumi puts a finger in Okelo’s face and whispers something that only the people in the ring can hear. I bet it was demeaning. But the mood changes when "Night on Bald Mountain" by Modest Mussorgsky cues up.

FIONA METZ: Zagovor is in the building, baby!

Sud Ognya – “The Mystic Tsar” Sergei Ivanov and Samhain make their way down the ramp. Shinobu Tsutsumi stands in front of SHADOJIMA, her eyes fixed on the two men. Sud Ognya enter the ring and stand before Tsutsumi and her pet Kaiju.

DICK DELAURIER: Oh this has potential to get very nasty.

FIONA METZ: See I disagree. I think this is going to be a nice, free flowing exchange of ideas.

Ivanov says something to Tsutsumi and she screws up her face, unimpressed. Tsutsumi steps aside and SHADOJIMA takes a step forward. The Kaiju stares down at Ivanov but Ivanov steps aside and Samhain steps forward. SHADOJIMA and Samhain stand face to face. There is tension, let me tell ya. Before anything can happen, Tsutsumi shouts something to SHADOJIMA and the Kaiju reluctantly steps away.
In a nondescript hallway in the Bobby Shitake Arena we see World Champion PJ Lemon and Carmine Dante walking side by side. Lemon looks very pleased with herself as she cradles the World Championship title belt like a baby.

PJ LEMON: The thing with a cunt like Mark Storm is that he’s really easy to fuck with. You’ll run into fucks like him throughout your career, Carmy.

Dante listens intently as the duo continue to make their way down the hall.

PJ LEMON: Getting an edge on them, no problem. But when they won’t go away you’ve gotta hit them from other angles. Stormy…he’s gotta learn. He didn’t learn when I beat his ass, so now we’ve gotta take it further.

They stop in front of a door that sports a placard which reads “LOS REBELDES DEL BIEN”. Lemon smirks and obnoxiously knocks on the door.

PJ LEMON: You have to teach your enemies that there are fuckin’ consequences for damaging your clam. Get me?

Dante nods and the locker room door opens. Standing in the doorway is the tiny terror known as Mestizo. Mestizo runs back into the locker room.

PJ LEMON: Guess that means we can come in.

Both Lemon and Dante enter the locker room and Dante closes the door behind them but not before he winks at the camera.

The two men are in the ring, ready to start their contest and referee Vivian Rosser calls for the bell. The competitors share a nod of respect and then lock up. Jack McGrath forces Hijo de la Muerte down into a side headlock but Muerte shoots him into the ropes. McGrath comes charging back but stops short and catches Muerte with a throat thrust. Muerte falls back and catches himself on the top rope. McGrath kicks him in the face and then smashes Muerte face first into the top turnbuckle.

DICK DELAURIER: Since coming to RAZOR Wrestling, Jack McGrath has gone through hell. Do you think that he will show this newcomer, Hijo de la Muerte, any quarter?

FIONA METZ: I don’t fucking know. McGrath is starting to get that he needs to be a piece of shit so I really hope he just beats the piss out of this guy.

DICK DELAURIER: Do not underestimate Muerte, Metz. He may lack experience but that could mean that he has some new tricks that we haven’t seen before.

FIONA METZ: Tricks are for kids you silly bitch.

One Eyed Jack isn’t satisfied. He leads Hijo de la Muerte across the ring and smashes his face into a second turnbuckle as Las Vegas chants “Two!”. McGrath points to a third turnbuckle and in short order he bounces Muerte’s face off of that two with a “Three!” from Vegas. McGrath winds up and runs across the ring with the back of Muerte’s head in his grasp. Before McGrath can smash Muerte’s face into the fourth turnbuckle pad Muerte stops the momentum with a foot on the middle rope.

FIONA METZ: Thanks for the blue balls, Muerte.

DICK DELAURIER: Interesting turn of phrase.

FIONA METZ: These people wanted to cum!

DICK DELAURIER: What are you saying?

FIONA METZ: I honestly don’t know sometimes.

Hijo de la Muerte hits a sharp elbow to Jack McGrath’s midsection. McGrath is doubled over and Muerte takes him over to a seated position with a snapmare! Muerte hits a quick basement dropkick to McGrath’s spine and then leaps into a cover.

1..

2..!

Jack McGrath kicks out, taking as much of the count to rest as possible. Muerte hauls McGrath up and shoots him across the ring with an Irish whip. Muerte takes off for the opposing ropes and flies backward with a springboard back elbow. It connects! McGrath scrambles back up to his feet but Muerte grounds him again with a standing dropkick. Muerte tries to go for a second cover but McGrath rolls out onto the apron.

DICK DELAURIER: Smart move from Jack.

FIONA METZ: Do you think he has a glass eye under that eyepatch? What’s going on there?

DICK DELAURIER: I don’t know.

FIONA METZ: Do you think he keeps snacks in the hole?

DICK DELAURIER: Would you?

FIONA METZ: …yeah.

Hijo de la Muerte tries to tie up with Jack McGrath over the top rope but McGrath smashes him with a forearm. McGrath steps into the ring and looks for his patented lariat but Muerte ducks under it and smacks McGrath in the side of the head with an enziguri! McGrath is staggered but he digs down deep and LEVELS Muerte with a lariat, which earns a big pop from Vegas.

DICK DELAURIER: Jack McGrath with the heavyweight lariat!

FIONA METZ: That’s a lariat that’ll have your ancestors feeling it.

DICK DELAURIER: So…Muerte Sr.?

FIONA METZ: Who the fuck is that?

RAZOR’s Cyclops gestures for Hijo de la Muerte and when Muerte does just that Jack McGrath drills him with a roaring elbow! Muerte falls through the ropes to the outside and Vivian Rosser starts her ten count. Having no interest in winning via count-out, McGrath exits the ring and goes after his opponent. McGrath gives the downed Muerte a few stiff stomps to the back and then hauls him up to his feet. McGrath tries to send Muerte face first into the ring post but Muerte reverses it and McGrath’s face smashes into the steel post!

FIONA METZ: I can’t fully express how satisfying that gong sound is. Takes me back!

The luchador gets Jack McGrath up to his feet and points at a second ring post. Referee Vivian Rosser is at a count of five when Muerte leads McGrath over to a second ring post and smashes his face into it! The crowd chants “TWO!”. Muerte gets McGrath up again and leads him over to a third ring post but McGrath has had enough. He catches Muerte with a roundhouse kick and then puts him down with a tornado DDT on the floor!

DICK DELAURIER: This could be it for Hijo de la Muerte. A DDT on the floor is a death sentence.

FIONA METZ: Relax, it was on the padding.

DICK DELAURIER: That padding is very thin.

FIONA METZ: As is my patience for your bullshit.

Referee Vivian Rosser is at a count of eight when Jack McGrath rolls Hijo de la Muerte into the ring. McGrath enters the ring but Muerte rolls him up! McGrath reverses it into a pin of his own before even a one count but that doesn’t get a single count either! Both men are back up but Muerte blasts McGrath with a busaiku knee strike! McGrath has been downed and Muerte makes a cover.

1..

2..

..!

DICK DELAURIER: Muerte with the near upset!

Jack McGrath’s shoulder shoots off of the canvas and Hijo de la Muerte can’t believe it! Vegas comes alive as the camera closes in on McGrath’s face and he is snarling. Muerte does his best to keep McGrath on the canvas with some boots but McGrath fights up to his feet. Muerte goes for a dropkick but McGrath side steps it! Muerte is back to his feet quickly but gets rocked with a roaring elbow! Muerte is down and McGrath covers.

1..

2..

..!

FIONA METZ: I’m honestly impressed that he kicked out of that. I figured his goose was cooked.

Vegas pops! Hijo de la Muerte just barely kicks out. Jack McGrath gets to his feet and is marching around. He’s fired up, folks! Muerte is back up and he tries to swing on McGrath but McGrath ducks under it and takes him over with a half nelson suplex! McGrath wastes no time in getting Muerte up and then puts him back down with Cold Snap (Cradle Piledriver)! McGrath covers.

1..

2..

..3!

BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here is your winner, Jack McGra–

Big Mouth Mindy doesn’t get to finish her announcement because “Gosuto Sutori” Reid Ashford is in the ring! He blasts Jack McGrath in the back of the head and McGrath drops like a sack of potatoes. He’s knocked the fuck out!

Ashford opens his fist and reveals a box cutter! Vegas collectively gasps (it sounds weird). Ashford has a sour look on his face as he slides the blade up and then kneels beside the unconscious McGrath. Ashford slowly slides the blade along McGrath’s forehead, opening him up!

Jack McGrath is a bloody mess but Reid Ashford isn’t finished! He grabs McGrath’s left ear and holds the box cutter above his head. Referee Vivian Rosser starts calling for security but she isn’t fast enough. Ashford starts sawing away on McGrath’s ear!

DICK DELAURIER: No! YOU SON OF A BITCH!

FIONA METZ: Yeah this is a little fucked up, even for me.

BRAVE Security floods the ring and removes Reid Ashford before he can fully cut off Jack McGrath’s ear. McGrath is conscious once again, grasping at his left ear. The fans don’t know what to think as Ashford is ushered up the ramp but a groggy McGrath demands a microphone.

JACK MCGRATH: Is this all you've got, Ashford?! Because I'm ready to give everything for this. I'm ready to give it ALL.

McGrath rushes Ashford one more time, but the security team holds him back. The crimson mask shines under the lights of the Bobby Shitake arena.

JACK MCGRATH: Enough of this hide and seek bullshit. Let's settle this at Superunknown, Reid... in a Las Vegas Street Fight!

Reid Ashford, surrounded by security, just nods. He holds up the bloody box cutter and we cut back to the ring with McGrath holding onto the side of his head. Blood, it’s in you to give. Apparently.




The flag of the United Kingdom flaps in the breeze to give you a pretty good idea of where we are. Also there is text on the screen letting you know but we have it on good authority that there are many of you fans that can’t read. RAZOR Wrestling President Molly Bones stands outside the Hotel Gotham alone. She has her phone in hand and she is calling someone. Evidently, the person does not answer. Bones sighs.

MOLLY BONES: Good Lord. Where the hell are you, Henry?

Bones crosses her arms, frustrated. A black Lincoln Navigator rolls up and stops in front of her. Bones checks her surroundings as the driver rounds the front of the SUV and opens the back door. Bones is about to get in but she stops upon witnessing who is inside.

MOLLY BONES: Metz?

We get a better view of the interior and there sits a man who is dressed in a fine suit. His face is weathered, marked with a great many battle scars. He smiles and if you have blood running through your veins then it likely just got a few degrees colder.

MAULER METZ: You were expecting someone else, love?

MOLLY BONES: I’ve been waiting for Henry.

MAULER METZ: Fuckin’ hell is he here too? I thought that old warhorse had kicked the bucket years ago. Well hop in, Enzo gave me a shout and said you’d be in town. Figured I would take you over to your house. Malone can catch up. I’m told that’s where your brother and husband have been hidin’.

MOLLY BONES: That is what I have been told.

Bones is suspicious but she ultimately gets into the car. There is an uneasiness between the two of them, despite the shit eating grin on Metz's face. The driver gets back into the SUV and they start off toward their destination.

MAULER METZ: It’s good ta see ya, Mol. Been some time. How’s me daughter doin’?

MOLLY BONES: Fiona is doing a fantastic job. I seem to be collecting children fathered by old rivals of Razor’s. One could get suspicious.

MAULER METZ: Eh I wouldn’t worry about that, love. Fiona and I don’t talk much. She’s grown into a bit of a cunt, to be honest. Glad you’re making sure she’s paid though, I appreciate that.

MOLLY BONES: Don’t mention it.

The SUV speeds along the street and Bones gazes out the window, her mind on what she might find at her old residence.

MAULER METZ: Say, why aren’t ya staying at your house? I know that you don’t make it over here often but it’s a beauty property. I’d be there all the time if I could afford such a palace. But I didn’t save me money like you an’ Raz.

MOLLY BONES: Bad memories. Razor used to say that it was cursed. Two break ins, a fire, termites. A beautiful house that only gave us trouble. He loved it. He told me that it reminded him of his father. When he passed, I couldn’t bring myself to sell it. I wanted to give it to Ax but I figured that he would just sell it.

MAULER METZ: Shame to leave it all shuttered up for so long. Suppose it’s gettin’ some use now though, eh?

MOLLY BONES: I guess we’ll find out.

Roughly twenty minutes pass by and the Navigator pulls up outside a beautiful Victorian town house. Molly stares out the window. It’s been so long since she has been here. The car door opens and she jumps – it’s just the driver.

MAULER METZ: Well good luck, Mol. Hope you don’t kill those two wankers. Or maybe I do. I’ve still got some hard feelings, you understand.

Metz laughs.

MOLLY BONES: You are not going to come in?

MAULER METZ: Nah. None of my business, this. Just wanted to make sure that ye made it here safe and sound.

Bones sighs and steps out of the SUV. The door closes and Metz pulls out his phone. He clicks one button and holds the phone to his ear.

The concrete steps leading up to the front door had never looked so daunting to Bones. She takes a deep breath and walks up, taking her time. She reaches the large, red front door and takes another deep breath. She goes to knock but the door is ajar. She lightly pushes the door open and steps inside.

MOLLY BONES: …Razor?

The third quarter final match. Wes Eastman is the referee. Pedro Gonzales and Persona Non Grata are out first with their mini mutant monster Mestizo leading the charge to the tune of "Legend Has It" by Run The Jewels. Gonzales nearly matches Mestizo in energy but PNG walks with a deliberately slow pace down the ramp because he’s built different.

DICK DELAURIER: Is it wrong to consider Strike 2 Kill the favourites in this tournament?

FIONA METZ: Why? Because they’ve won a few? This tournament is chaos personified. That doesn’t mean shit. Look at these guys! A big, bad motherfucker. A handsome grifter. A piss soaked Mogwai. I wouldn’t bet against them.

DICK DELAURIER: …piss soaked Mogwai...

"I Ain't Finished" by Ghostpoet hits. Strike 2 Kill get a big pop from Vegas. Liam Richardson and Miles Watson come down the ramp with Gregory Murphy trailing them. Both Richardson and Watson slap hands with the fans lining the rampway. What nice boys. S2K both slide into the ring and Wes Eastman stands between both teams. Once the legal competitors are selected, Eastman calls for the opening bell.

DICK DELAURIER: I do not envy Wes Eastman right now. This match has all the makings of a car crash.

FIONA METZ: What exactly makes a car crash? Cars, speed, – you’re full of shit.

DICK DELAURIER: Figure of speech.

FIONA METZ: Figure deez nuts.

DICK DELAURIER: You are really on one today.

FIONA METZ: I’ve had an ungodly amount of matcha.

Before the action begins, Mestizo scuttles around ringside to get a better look at Gregory Murphy. Murphy does his best to keep his eyes on the ring but given his history of being…well…a target you can’t really blame the guy for feeling a little uneasy. Especially with a little freak like Mestizo lurking around.

FIONA METZ: I really want to know what plant this little freak is from. Maybe a forest moon?

DICK DELAURIER: I have no idea.

Miles Watson starts the contest for S2K against Pedro Gonzales of Los Rebeldes. The two lock up and Watson forces Gonzales into the nearest corner but Gonzales throws up his hands and referee Wes Eastman intervenes. Gonzales demands that Eastman back Watson away. Once there is a clean break Watson tries to advance again but this time Gonzales pokes his upper body through the ropes and Eastman is forced yet again to intervene.

FIONA METZ: There is something about Pedro Gonzales that makes me want to get all kinds of naked.

DICK DELAURIER: I’d rather you didn’t.

FIONA METZ: Liar.

Pedro Gonzales takes his time bringing his top half back into the ring. Miles Watson starts to get impatient and steps towards his opponent. Once Watson is close enough Gonzales delivers a toe kick to Watson’s midsection and then applies a side headlock of his own. Chicanery! Gonzales transitions into a hammerlock but Watson ducks backward and applies one of his own! What technical prowess. Gonzales reaches back with his right hand and attempts a snapmare but Watson plants his feet and launches Gonzales backward with a German suplex! But it was all for naught as Gonzales does a full rotation and lands on his feet.

FIONA METZ: If you aren’t impressed by that then you aren’t breathing.

DICK DELAURIER: He is a gifted athlete!

There are pockets of fans that applaud Pedro Gonzales’ agility but Miles Watson isn’t impressed. Watson goes for a collar and elbow tie up but Gonzales is far quicker. He hits a basement dropkick to Watson’s left knee and with Watson doubled over Gonzales is quick to apply a front hammerlock and he drives Watson’s head into the canvas with a Devil Lock DDT! Gonzales kips up from the canvas and takes a bow. Persona Non Grata stands stoically on the apron until Gonzales approaches him and makes the first tag of the contest.

FIONA METZ: Here comes the heavy artillery.

DICK DELAURIER: The mute monster is entering the ring and that is very bad news for Strike 2 Kill.

Mestizo starts hopping up and down on the ring steps as Pedro Gonzales feeds Miles Watson to Persona Non Grata. Gonzales ascends to the top rope as PNG lifts Watson up for a powerbomb. With his back to PNG and Watson, Gonzales takes Watson’s head in a cutter from the top rope but does a backflip! Los Rebeldes hit a powerbomb/shiranui combination that shakes the ring! Gonzales stands guard as PNG lays his massive frame over Watson with a cover.

1..

2..

..!

Miles Watson is able to kick out and that gets a small “Yes.” from Gregory Murphy at ringside. Mestizo hears this and turns his attention back to S2K’s manager. Gonzales takes his place on the apron and Persona Non Grata mounts Watson and starts starching him with rights and lefts. Watson tries to cover up, tries to wriggle free, tries just about everything but he is getting pummeled. PNG grows tired of the onslaught and yanks Watson up to his feet. PNG attempts an Irish whip but Watson spins around him and hits a thigh kick! PNG barely registers it. Watson hits PNG with a discus lariat to the back of the head and PNG staggers forward, catching himself on the ropes. Liam Richardson reaches out and Watson does a heroic dive to make the tag to his partner.

DICK DELAURIER: You do not want Strike 2 Kill to start cultivating momentum.

FIONA METZ: Why not? They don’t share?

DICK DELAURIER: That makes no sense at all.

FIONA METZ: It’s the matcha baby!

Strike 2 Kill stand side by side as Persona Non Grata turns to face them. They are wicked fast and they blast him with stereo superkicks! PNG merely stumbles and is still on his feet. Liam Richardson and Miles Watson share a look, shrug, and then fire off another pair of superkicks. PNG falls backward and catches himself on the top rope. Watson charges and hits a discus lariat that takes PNG over the top rope to the floor but PNG lands on his feet! He is only standing for a millisecond before Richardson nails him with a baseball slide from the ring.

DICK DELAURIER: Hit and run seems to be the order of the day for Strike 2 Kill.

FIONA METZ: Fuck I’ve done so many of those. Probably ruined a lot of lives.

DICK DELAURIER: Your laundry list of crimes never ceases to amaze me.

FIONA METZ: Aw thanks.

The chaos that has started prompts Pedro Gonzales to enter the fray. Miles Watson is right there to meet him and the two start exchanging strikes. Liam Richardson is on the apron and he catches Person Non Grata, who is on the floor, with a mule kick to the chin. Richardson runs the length of the apron, pivots, charges in the other direction and leaps off of the apron with a shooting star press that takes the standing PNG down to the floor. Mestizo, enraged, charges toward Richardson but to everyone’s surprise Gregory Murphy stands in the path of the ornery Ewok!

FIONA METZ: Well here’s a bonehead idea.

Mestizo tries to go left, Gregory Murphy blocks his path. Mestizo tries to go right, Murphy is there again. Frustrated, Mestizo starts jumping up and down on the spot. His plans have been foiled by a man in an off-the-rack suit! Liam Richardson stalks Persona Non Grata and when he makes his move PNG is ready – he turns Richardson inside out with a lariat. In the ring Pedro Gonzales has taken Miles Watson out of the equation temporarily with a capture suplex! It’s all out chaos and Wes Eastman is doing his best, trying to keep his eyes on everything.

DICK DELAURIER: As predicted, this match is breaking down.

FIONA METZ: I love chaos. Almost as much as I love running stop signs.

DICK DELAURIER: You should not be allowed to drive.

FIONA METZ: Legally I’m not.

Pedro Gonzales lifts Miles Watson up onto the top turnbuckle as Wes Eastman tries to get both of them to exit the ring as they are not the legal competitors. On the outside Liam Richardson gets up to his feet but he is hit by a cannonball – Persona Non Grata had launched Mestizo at him like a little furry projectile! Mestizo’s feet connected with Richardson’s face like a battering ram and Richardson was knocked loopy. Gregory Murphy tried to get Eastman’s attention to no avail. PNG rolls Richardson back into the ring and sets his sights on Watson.

FIONA METZ: Fastball special! Hell yeah!

Liam Richardson is laying on the mat, just shit-rocked. Persona Non Grata enters the ring and gets in position. Pedro Gonzales has Miles Watson on the top rope! Gonzales looks back to PNG and then takes Watson off the top turnbuckle with a frankensteiner! Watson does a full front flip and is caught by PNG! PNG hoists him up high for an elevated powerbomb but Watson shifts his weight, lurches forward, and hits an incredible code red! PNG is down. Watson gets back to his feet and nails Gonzales with a discus lariat that sends him over the top rope to the floor.

DICK DELAURIER: What incredible athleticism from Miles Watson!

FIONA METZ: I don’t think he meant to do that.

DICK DELAURIER: I would disagree.

Gregory Murphy cheers his charges on as Miles Watson helps Liam Richardson up to his feet. Persona Non Grata is up to his knees when both members of S2K approach him. Watson tags PNG with a superkick but PNG does not go down. S2K each take hold of one of PNG’s arms and then they call out to Vegas. The crowd is hyped! Yay! S2K call out “Shoot to kill!” and then deliver Shoot 2 Kill! (BTE Trigger) and that finally puts PNG down. Richardson makes the cover and Watson stands sentry, ready to prevent Pedro Gonzales from intervening.

1..

2..

..!

Person Non Grata’s shoulder shoots off of the canvas at the very last moment. Miles Watson returns to the apron just as Mestizo gets up on the apron and Wes Eastman spots him. Due to the distraction, Eastman doesn’t notice two figures slide into the ring! It’s PJ Lemon and Carmine Dante! Lemon blasts Watson with a leaping knee strike that takes him off of the apron. Dante takes hold of Liam Richardson, lifts him up with a flapjack, and brings him down into a stunner from Lemon! Both Lemon and Dante slide out of the ring as PNG makes the cover. Miles Watson tries to drag himself into the ring but Dante, out of sight of Eastman, holds onto his leg like grim death. Mestizo drops off of the apron and Eastman turns around. He immediately drops down to the make the count.

1..

2..

..3!

BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here are your winners, advancing to the Semi-Finals of the Riggs & Murtaugh Tag Team Classic, Pedro Gonzales & Persona Non Grata, Los Rebeldes del Bien!

No music hits because PJ Lemon and Carmine Dante are back in the ring, having brung Miles Watson with them. Lemon nails Watson with Sour Creamed (Springboard Shining Wizard) and all Gregory Murphy can do is watch from ringside. Lemon, Dante, Gonzales, PNG, and Mestizo all surround Strike 2 Kill when…
...Your Hero, and Mine, Mark Storm, suddenly emerges from the back! The crowd pops as Storm charges towards the ring with a baseball bat in hand, sliding in as the five attackers make their escape, rolling themselves out. Storm checks on Strike 2 Kill by the corner of the ring, running his fingers through his hair as he soaks in the electric atmosphere. He motions towards one of the crew members on the outside, asking for a microphone.

MARK STORM: Oh c'mon now guys.

Storm's signature smirk plasters over his lips.

MARK STORM: Hey PJ, what's up with the escape plan? I'm just tryna talk.

He holds up his bat for a moment, chuckling before tossing it aside and walking towards the ropes.

MARK STORM: You and Carmine Dante are in cahoots now and that's all good. My problem lies with Dante getting involved in business that doesn't concern him, not just against me, but against my boys too - that's very low, PJ, but that's expected when it comes to you.

He shakes his head sideways in dismay, licking his dry lips.

MARK STORM: You see PJ Lemon, you say you've got me all figured out when, in reality, you've only further exposed yourself for who you truly are. A gutless coward of a bitch, who doesn't know the meaning of honor. You don't know the meaning of respect, or dignity, you disregard all of that, and yeah sure, I gave you props on it before, but it's now becoming my problem, and that's bad business for you.

His smirk returns to his lips.

MARK STORM: A lot of people told me to stay home and recover after the beating you put me through a fortnight ago but I said no, I’m going back to work. I can’t let PJ Lemon get away with this shit - not on my watch! You think you're playing smart right now, but I can play smarter. You wanna play hard? Wanna play dirty? That's all good with me, or you had to do was say so, and I would've been there, in the deep end, no doubt. So how about it? You and I? One more time.

Lemon and Dante have regrouped near the announce table. Lemon gives Dante a prodding elbow to the ribs and he retrieves a microphone from timekeeper Chuck Lock. Lemon sits on top of the announce table and Fiona Metz nearly has a horny heart attack.

PJ LEMON: One more time? Why oh why? I’ve got exactly nothin’ to gain from beatin’ you again, Stormy. Your own manager threw in the towel! I couldn’t have asked for anything better. So please, cunt, enlighten me. Why in the good lord fuck would I defend bullion against you – again?

Lemon crosses her arms and awaits Storm’s response.

MARK STORM: Because you’re a fighting champion, aren’t you, PJ? If you’re as good as you say you are, you shouldn’t even be sweating! And yeah, you’re right PJ, Murphy threw the towel in and I’ve had my words with him and he knows that he fucked up. As did Carmine Dante when he came running to your aid, but I’m saying to hell with them, this is about you and I!

Storm clenches his fist as he pauses, his eyes fixated on Lemon.

MARK STORM: Sour Power PJ Lemon and Your Hero, and Mine, in an Oblivion Cage match! No distractions, no managers to throw the towel in or towel boys to do your dirty work, just you and me in an enclosed cage filled with weapons to the brim, exploding walls and the promise of chaos at the door. For the RAZOR Wrestling World Championship, one more time, I know these people wanna see it!

Storm points his camera towards the audience and they roar back at him.

MARK STORM: I know that you don’t wanna see it, PJ, because you’re scared shitless. Just admit it.

Lemon strokes her chin. Dante whispers something in her ear and she gives him a dismissive wave. Her eyes widened.

PJ LEMON: Alright, cunt. You want to go to hell with Top Titty? Then let me show you the fuckin’ way. In two weeks at Superunknown I’ll enter your little Oblivion Cage. Just know that you won’t be leavin’ with all of your extremities intact. Gotta say.

Sour Power stands up on the announce table and holds the World Championship high in the air and we go to a commercial break.



The scene cuts to the locker room of “The Spanish Ace” Adam García. A rowdy audience started to whistle and boo so loudly that it could even be heard by the microphones backstage. In reaction, García looks up, giving his usual sly smile to the camera.

ADAM GARCÍA: Nevada, as usual, the feeling is mutual. However, your attempts to discomfort me are nothing more than futile, which instead of weakening me, just end up fueling me with hatred , giving me more strength to destroy the poor bastard who shall face me on tonight's main event.

The volume of the crowd began to descend. As seconds went by, no more noise could be heard other than Adam’s scoff.

ADAM GARCÍA: Alright, now that the kids are quiet, let your future champ speak, ‘kay?.

He pauses, his smile drops, as he gives a serious look to the camera.

ADAM GARCÍA: Tonight gold will be covered in blood, as it’s raised to the air. The GRBG title will be held by none other than me, the “Spanish Ace”, the “Number One”, Adam García, while Duffy remains laid in a stretcher in his course to the nearest hospital.

ADAM GARCÍA: My theme song will be heard across the arena once again, as I proclaim the start to a new era. With my speech finished, I guess I should be wishing luck to my next opponent right?. Well either Ollie or Ace Sky, I wish you luck. Wish Ace wins though, an Ace vs Ace match sounds interesting.

The next match was set to determine the challenger for the GRBG Championship at Superunknown. Ollie Maverick was out first as "2econd 2ight 2eer” by Will Wood plays. His attendant Leslie Lillyhammer trails him to the ring with a cat carrier in hand, which of course houses Rocky Trashington. Maverick reaches the ring and Lillyhammer sets Rocky’s box down atop the announce table.

FIONA METZ:: We are being joined by world class entrepreneur Rocky Trashington!

DICK DELAURIER:: Is he not a raccoon?

FIONA METZ:: Are we not men? We are DEVO!

DICK DELAURIER:: Good Lord.

Ace Sky is out next but Ollie Maverick has left the ring! Maverick meets Sky on the ramp and holds out his hand. Sky hesitates but ultimately accepts the sportsmanly gesture. Maverick puts his arm around Sky’s shoulder and guides him to the ring. Sky looks extremely confused. He looks as confused as we, the viewing audience, feel.

DICK DELAURIER:: We have a colorful cast of characters here in RAZOR. Ollie Maverick may just be the most…obtuse.

FIONA METZ:: Looks pretty fit to me.

DICK DELAURIER:: I said obtuse. Not obese.

FIONA METZ:: Same shit, really.

Ollie Maverick walks up the ring steps and sits on the middle rope. He gestures to Sky to “hop in”. With hesitation Sky does just that. Maverick follows him through the ropes and they both stand before referee Kate McHale. McHale is perplexed but she calls for the bell. Maverick claps his hands together and says, “Break!”.

DICK DELAURIER:: What exactly is Ollie Maverick trying to accomplish here?

FIONA METZ:: Friendship. The most valuable trophy of them all.

Ace Sky walks over to a corner and hops from foot to foot, getting himself psyched up. Ollie Maverick is in the opposing corner and he calls out “You ready?”. Sky gives a nod and then takes off with incredible speed. Sky charges at Maverick and drills him with a shotgun dropkick. Maverick crashes into the corner and then rolls out onto the apron. Sky tries to advance on him but Maverick holds up a hand and says, “Wait!”.

DICK DELAURIER:: Why is Ace Sky listening to this?

FIONA METZ:: Sportsmanship! Ace Sky wants to win the right way.

DICK DELAURIER:: That is one way to look at it. Or he is just very confused.

FIONA METZ:: Aren’t we all?

For whatever reason, Ace Sky doesn’t attack. Ollie Maverick is clutching his chest and he calls Kate McHale over. McHale sighs and approaches him. Maverick starts speaking and all we can hear him say is “Did he not know that I wasn’t ready?”. McHale instrucks Maverick to get back in the ring or forfeit the contest. Maverick sighs and makes his way through the ropes. McHale checks on him one more time and then calls for the two competitors to engage.

DICK DELAURIER:: If these two aren’t careful a wrestling match might occur.

The Space Shaman approaches Ollie Maverick again but this time Maverick is ready and he catches Sky with a throat thrust. Sky staggers back to the center of the ring, struggling to breathe. Maverick catches Sky in the back with a spinning crescent kick and Sky staggers towards the ropes, catching himself. Maverick rushes him but Sky catches him with a hook kick to the jaw and then puts him on the canvas with a springboard crossbody. Maverick is down and Sky holds him there with a cover.

1..

2..!

Ollie Maverick kicks out! Ace Sky tries to keep him grounded with a side headlock but Maverick fights up, breaks free, and catches Sky with a leaping knee to the chin. Sky is rocked and Maverick puts him on the canvas with a head scissor takedown. Sky rallies back and hits Maverick with a dropsault. Sky kips back up and hits a standing moonsault press, crashing down across Maverick’s abdomen. He makes a cover and Kate McHale drops to her belly to make the count.

DICK DELAURIER:: Ace Sky keeping the pressure on!

1..

2..!

FIONA METZ:: Not enough pressure I guess! Perhaps he should try another type? Peer pressure maybe?

DICK DELAURIER:: I don’t—

FIONA METZ:: You shouldn’t.

The Manic Marvel kicks out again but Ace Sky keeps him on the canvas with a front face lock…but only momentarily. Ollie Maverick fights up to his feet again and plants his feet. He drives Sky backward into a corner, breaks free, and blasts Sky in the side of the head with a gamengiri! Sky is in a daze when Maverick kicks him in the midsection and drives Sky’s head into the canvas with a snap DDT. Maverick gets to his feet and can be heard telling Sky “We could have been pals.” before he gives him a stomp to the back of the neck.

DICK DELAURIER:: I think we are about to see that “other side” of Ollie Maverick.

FIONA METZ:: We’ve barely seen this side! This guy is an anonymous blob of pixels. Well, his face is at least. I kind of want to be that.

DICK DELAURIER:: I would prefer if you were silent.

FIONA METZ:: Hogwash!

Ollie Maverick peels Ace Sky off of the canvas and delivers a ruthless combination of kicks that would make Chuck Norris sweat. Sky is on rollerskates when Maverick shoots him into the corner and follows that up with a running single leg dropkick. Sky falls to a seated position and Maverick’s eyes go wide. He has an idea. Maverick paces across the ring and then charges toward Sky and hits him with the Face Loosener (Running Face Wash)! Sky is on dream street when Maverick yanks him away from the ropes by the boot and then dives into a cover.

1..

2..

..!

Ollie Maverick doesn’t seem deterred in the least. He’s smiling? Hard to tell what with his face being pixelated. What incredible technology, honestly. Ace Sky starts to stir as Maverick spills through the ropes onto the apron. Sky is nearly up to his feet and Maverick readies himself. Once Sky is fully upright, Maverick shoots into the ring and plants Sky with Face Eraser (Springboard Sitout Facebuster)! Sky is a lifeless heap as Maverick rolls him over, makes the cover, and hooks the leg. Kate McHale makes her count.

1..

2..

..3!

BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here is your winner and Number One Contender to the GRBG Championship, “The Manic Marvel” Ollie Maverick!

"2econd 2ight 2eer” by Will Wood starts playing as Ollie Maverick joins Leslie Lillyhammer and Rocky Trashington on the outside. Lillyhammer picks up Rocky’s cat carrier as Maverick can be heard saying, “I’m not sure that guy wanted to be my pal.” and the trio make their way up the ramp. Maverick stops at the top of the ramp and then takes off back to the ring in an instant.

Ollie Maverick slides into the ring and starts beating the absolute shit out of Ace Sky with a flurry of punches. BRAVE Security arrives to break it up but Maverick is incensed! It takes some doing but BRAVE Security are able to break it up. We cut to a commercial break.



In Dr. Kelly Costa’s medical room Aroa Ramma paces back and forth angrily. Jahkay is sitting on the table having his ribs retaped by the good doctor. He was thrown off of the stage two weeks ago, if you remember.

AROA RAMMA: Y'all really wanna try us huh? You really think doing this to him will make things better for y'all, It will never be, we will hit harder and harder till y'all beg for us to stop. We may be flashy as hell but that doesn't mean we aren’t dangerous. This man is my lover, he is my hubby, and he is my everything. Hurt him and I'll hurt you. He knows what i can do when I’m this emotional he knows that I wi-

Jahkay stops him and he speaks.

JAHKAY MILLER: Y’all movafuckas think you can take me out that easy? Now look at what you done. Aroa emotional and angry. I look calm but deep inside I'm ready to kill. But i can wait, cause we next and i'm not gonna say no more. Aroa, let’s go.

Aroa and Jahay go to walk out but Jahkay stops. He turns to one of the trainers and slams his head into the wall. He kicks the trainer while he’s down. Dr. Costa just shakes her head. Jahkay turns to Aroa and then walks off towards the gorilla position. Aroa stares at the doctor for a moment and walks away.

It’s time for our second quarter final match in the Riggs & Murtaugh Tag Team Classic. “Spitfire” Harvey Francis is out onto the stage first to the tune of "Mimi's Delivery Service" by Good Kid. He stops at the top of the ramp and waits for his “partner” “Senior Salesman” Bob Regan. The music fades out and we wait. And we wait. And we wait. The hell is taking so long?

DICK DELAURIER: I apologize, wrestling fans. It seems that we are having some technical difficulties…

FIONA METZ: No we aren’t…

A mass of humanity flies through the curtain! Both members of Insane Fortune, Jahkay “Kano” Miller and Aroa Ramma have speared Bob Regan out onto the stage. Payback for what Regan did to Kano a few weeks ago. Harvey Francis sighs and goes to help out his partner but Ramma cuts Francis off and introduces his face to the steel frame of the tron! Francis drops to a knee and Ramma cracks him in the side of the head with an enziguiri!

FIONA METZ: Guess we’re finally seeing the “insane” part of this duo.

DICK DELAURIER: I do not blame them for wanting revenge against Bob Regan but there is a lot on the line in this contest. I do not know if this is the best strategy for them.

FIONA METZ: Seems to be working so far!

Aroa Ramma and Jahkay Miller have Bob Regan on his back at the top of the ramp and both members of Insane Fortune are fucking mauling the salesman. Ramma is calling the shots and he tells Kano to stand Regan up. He does. Ramma and Miller both take Regan by the back of the head, with Ramma pointing to the side of the stage. Turnabout and all that. Insane Fortune prepare to send Regan sailing off of the stage–

DICK DELAURIER: Don’t do this! You won’t feel better.

FIONA METZ: I would, for sure.

–but Harvey Francis is back up to his feet! Francis nails Jahkay Miller in the back of the head with a superkick and then plants Aroa Ramma with a leaping cutter onto the steel grating of the stage. Francis tries to check on Bob Regan but in true Terminator fashion, Regan sidesteps his partner and has his eyes locked on Kano. Regan stands Kano up and launches him down the ramp with a beale so powerful that Kano lands with a THUD halfway down the ramp and keeps rolling until he reaches the bottom. Regan continues down the ramp, at a slow pace, looking to continue Kano’s punishment.

FIONA METZ: How did Bob Regan pass a physical? Guy is like 90.

DICK DELAURIER: Hardly. He and I are very close in age.

FIONA METZ: So “signed copy of the bible” old.

Spitfire looks to follow his partner but Aroa Ramma catches Francis with a chop block! Francis spins around but Ramma leaps and puts him head first into the steel ramp with a tornado DDT that gets some gasps from Vegas. And from me! Ramma takes a second to recover and then takes off after Bob Regan in the hopes of saving Jahkay Miller from any further brutalisation. Now that is a good partner!

DICK DELAURIER: Zach Ebra needs to get this match in the ring. This is a tournament quarter final!

FIONA METZ: Insane Fortune are blinded by love!

Bob Regan has reached the bottom of the ramp and there in the ring referee Zach Ebra is begging all of the competitors to bring it inside the ropes so we can officially start this match. Fat chance, nerd! Regan grabs Jahkay Miller by the head but Miller pops up and hits Regan with a jawbreaker. Regan stumbles backward right into Aroa Ramma’s clutches. Ramma uses Regan’s own momentum against him and takes him over with a German suplex! The back of Regan’s head smacks against the steel of the entrance ramp and his eyes are glazed over! Insane Fortune both stand over him, ready to deal out some more of that sweet, sweet vengeance.

DICK DELAURIER: Bob Regan might be very hurt. That was bone on steel.

FIONA METZ: I love it when you talk dirty.

DICK DELAURIER: Bone on steel?

FIONA METZ: I prefer a pillow top but any port in a storm.

Before Insane Fortune can get their hands on Bob Regan, Harvey Francis comes sprinting down the ramp! He is at top speed as he leaps over Regan’s prone body and takes both Jahkay Miller and Aroa Ramma down with a cross body! Vegas pops for Spitfire and it’s well deserved. Francis stands Kano up and tries to whip him into the steel steps but Kano reverses it! Ramma drops to all fours causing Francis to trip, go warp speed and face first into the ring steps!

FIONA METZ: Oooh that was mean. Insane Fortune, they know that we don’t get dental.

The camera zooms in on Harvey Francis, who has a busted lip and is bleeding. Aroa Ramma stands Francis up and sends him hard into the guardrail that stands adjacent to the announce table. Jahkay Miller joins his partner and they both lift Francis up and then drop him face first onto the announce table. Francis’ face leaves a bloody stain on the monitor cover but Insane Fortune aren’t finished. They haul Francis up and together they drive him through the announce table with a double powerbomb! Both Fiona Metz and Dick Delaurier flee the area!

FIONA METZ: You know what? I didn’t like that table anyway.

DICK DELAURIER: It appears that they have crushed your ice cream sandwich…

FIONA METZ: NO! It was almost perfectly melty! You pieces of shit!

Insane Fortune both look quite pleased with themselves. They turn to face the ring and there stands Bob Regan, favoring the back of his head. There is blood running down the back of his neck and it’s turning his shirt collar a deep crimson. Regan subtly gestures for both members of Insane Fortune to enter the ring. Zach Ebra tries to reason with the Senior Salesman but Regan is not hearing it. Aroa Ramma and Jahkay Miller both enter the ring and Regan politely but sternly asks for Ebra to call for the bell. Ebra reluctantly obliges him and this match has officially begun.

DICK DELAURIER: Looks like we are going to have to stand to call this match.

FIONA METZ: I stand when I piss.

DICK DELAURIER: We have that in common.

Jahkay Miller and Aroa Ramma rush Bob Regan at the same time and they avoid a double clothesline attempt from the brutal boomer. Regan turns around to face them with his dukes up but the Fortune boys hit him with a double dropkick. Regan is grounded and Ramma pounces on him, applying a front face lock. Zach Ebra forces Kano out onto the apron. We get a shot of Harvey Francis laying in the rubble of the announce desk and he has yet to stir. Regan is going this match alone.

DICK DELAURIER: You have to respect Bob Regan’s heart.

FIONA METZ: Yeah I mean it’s warranty is expired so…

The back of Bob Regan’s white button down shirt is soaked in blood from his head wound but he still wants to fight. Aroa Ramma fights to maintain his front face lock as Regan peppers his midsection with wild body strikes. Ramma forces Regan into the Insane Fortune corner and makes the tag to Jahkay Miller. Miller hops into the ring and the pair take Regan over with a double suplex. Regan stands right back up out of instinct but Insane Fortune crack his dome with a sandwich enziguri! Regan drops to the canvas and Kano flies into a cover.

1..

2..

..!

Somehow Bob Regan kicks out! We get another shot of the mess that was once the announce desk and Harvey Francis is slowly starting to sit up, but it’s taking all of the effort he can muster. In the ring Jahkay Miller has dragged Regan back over to the Insane Fortune corner. Kano makes the tag to Aroa Ramma and they stand Regan up. Regan tries to fight them off but he’s lost a good amount of blood. Plus he is probably concussed. Both members of Insane Fortune boot Regan in the midsection and they plant him with a double ddt! Ramma makes the cover this time and Kano keeps lookout for Spitfire.

1..

2..

..!

DICK DELAURIER: How is this possible?

FIONA METZ: Dad strength. It’s a thing. It’s why I like dating Dads.

DICK DELAURIER: Single dads, I would hope.

FIONA METZ: Any. Port. In. A. Storm.

The Senior Salesman kicks out again and Las Vegas can’t believe it. This old chunk of coal will not die! Three decades behind a desk can turn you into a hard son of a bitch, it seems. Not on has Bob Regan kicked out, but he is getting back up to his feet. Aroa Ramma calls out to Jahkay Miller. Miller drops down to all fours and Ramma sprints toward him. Ramma steps off of Kano’s back, catches Regan by the head, and drills him into the canvas with a tornado DDT! Regan is down again but he rolls under the bottom rope.

DICK DELAURIER: Excellent ring awareness from Bob Regan. He has to be almost finished. How much more punishment can he take?

FIONA METZ: He has a son who disappoints him regularly. This guy’s life is punishment.

The crowd is split! They love Insane Fortune but they also love Bob Regan’s fighting spirit. Speaking of fighting spirit – Harvey Francis is back up! Francis, his chin soaked in blood, is hobbling over to his corner. He pulls himself up onto the apron but Regan is on the apron – across the ring! Regan rolls back into the ring and tries to get to his corner but Aroa Ramma drops into the splits with a leg drop across the back of Regan’s head. Francis drops his head in frustration.

DICK DELAURIER: Harvey Francis wants to get into this match with every fibre of his being.

FIONA METZ: Now how the fuck do you know that?

DICK DELAURIER: I am good at reading people.

FIONA METZ: Read me.

DICK DELAURIER: I don’t read smut.

FIONA METZ: Oh you bitch!

Aroa Ramma drags Bob Regan back to the Insane Fortune corner and makes the tag to Jahkay Miller. Miller slips into the ring and together with Ramma, stands Regan up. But Regan is still alive! Regan cracks Ramma with a hard shot to the ribs and decks Kano with a right cross to the chin. Both members of Insane Fortune are dropped to a knee and Regan turns to Harvey Francis, who has his arm outstretched! Regan stumbles toward his corner and when he is almost there, Kano grabs him and spins him around – but Regan answers with one hell of a clothesline that turns Kano inside out!

FIONA METZ: Hoooooly shit!

Bob Regan, a bloody mess, makes the tag to Harvey Francis. The Bobby Shitake Arena is seemingly made of cheers as Spitfire hops over the top rope and goes to work. Francis cracks Aroa Ramma with a superkick and then catches Jahkay Miller with a Manhattan drop. Francis shoves Kano right into a spinebuster from Regan! Francis stands Ramma up and then sends him sailing over the top rope to the floor. Regan has Kano and he feeds him to Francis who plants Kano with the Devil's Cyclone (Hammerlock Suplex)! Francis makes a cover.

1..

2..

..!

Jahkay Miller barely kicks out. Harvey Francis gets up to his feet and stalks Kano. Kano gets to his feet, looking for Aroa Ramma, but what he finds is Bob Regan. Regan smashes Kano in the face with a headbutt and sends him right into the Fallen Lotus (Small Package Driver) from Spitfire. Ramma slides into the ring but Regan cold cocks him! Ramma is knocked out as Francis makes the cover on Kano.

1..

2..

..3!

BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here are your winners, advancing to the semi-finals of the Riggs & Murtaugh Tag Team Classic, Harvey Francis & Bob Regan!

"Mimi's Delivery Service" by Good Kid cues up and Zach Ebra raises the hands of the winners. Beaten and bloodied, Bob Regan and Harvey Francis are going to the semi-finals. Francis finds the energy to climb a turnbuckle and celebrate the victory. He tries to encourage Regan to do the same but the Senior Salesmen just gives the audience a respectful nod and then leaves the ring to seek medical attention.

In the bowels of the Bobby Shitake Arena we find the office of one Hank Malone, currently occupied by the Interim General Manager Sophie Whimm. Inside, Whimm sits cross legged on top of her desk. She is sporting a gigantic smile that is so sweet it could cause diabetes in those most at risk.

SOPHIE WHIMM: Hello friends! It’s me, (Interim) RAZOR Wrestling General Manager Sophie Whimm! Molly Bones and Hank Malone are still away in jolly old England and I bet they are having a killer time, so it’s up to me to book our first ever super show Superunknown! Good golly gosh, that’s a lot of pressure but I’m up to the task.

Whimm flashes a toothy grin and an obnoxious thumbs up.

SOPHIE WHIMM: I’m here to tell all of you shiny people that the main event is officially confirmed. PJ Lemon will defend her RAZOR Wrestling World Championship against Mark Storm in an Oblivion Cage! We only have two weeks to build it but our crew is going to get it done for all of you great fans.

Smash cut to the Key Grip Keith Tripp looking at the blueprints with wide eyed horror. Back to Sophie.

SOPHIE WHIMM: We’re also gonna have the semi-finals AND finals of the Riggs & Murtaugh Tag Team Classic. Will it be The Steel Rockers, Shinigami Foundation, Los Rebeldes del Bien, or Harvey Francis & Bob Regan that walk away with the gold? I don’t know but I know they are gonna have fun!

Another giant smile. If she is actually like this in real life she is going to die alone.

SOPHIE WHIMM: You can also look forward to seeing that dastardly “Gosuto Sutori” Reid Ashford take on our very own cyclops Jack McGrath in a Las Vegas Street Fight. Quite the gamble! Hehehe.

Whimm pantomimes rolling some dice. Unnecessary.

SOPHIE WHIMM: We’re also going to see “The Manic Marvel” Ollie Maverick challenge the winner of tonight’s main event for the GRBG Championship. What will the stipulation be, you ask? Well considering the popularity of–

A production assistant appears out of nowhere and timidly approaches Whimm. At first, Whimm acts like she doesn’t see the PA but can’t help it when said PA starts whispering in her ear.

SOPHIE WHIMM: Uh…sorry folks. This production assistant is new here and doesn’t–

Upon registering what the PA is saying all of the color drains from Whimm’s face.

SOPHIE WHIMM: Are you fucking kidding me!?

A cold sweat takes over the (Interim) General Manager and she scrambles to get off of the desk. She starts looking around for…nothing in particular and suddenly remembers that she is still on live television.

SOPHIE WHIMM: Uh…sorry about that folks. I have to go. We’ll see you next week on Shotgun and then in two weeks at Superunknown! Happy Graps!

Whimm darts out of frame leaving the PA standing there looking stupid. Leave the frame greenhorn! Fuck sakes.

The scene moves from the arena to a run down looking building in a shitty strip mall. We move in closer and see that this is Best Before Grocery. Must be time for the GRBG Championship Match! “Bastard” Brogan Duffy walks into frame and he has the GRBG Title slung over his shoulder. Referee Diego Leach is with him.

DICK DELAURIER: This should be something special, Fiona. A supermarket showdown. This is a first for me.

FIONA METZ: I’ve seen a few.

DICK DELAURIER: Really?

FIONA METZ: I grew up in England. Lots of stupid shit there.

Brogan Duffy approaches the automatic doors. He examines his surroundings as Diego Leach watches on. The automatic door opens and Leach nearly jumps out of his skin. Duffy is as cool as a cucumber— like the ones they sell here. Duffy takes one step forward but he can hear a sound…

Squeak.

FIONA METZ: Is this a fucking horror movie?

DICK DELAURIER: It feels a little bit like it…

The champion waits and the sound doesn’t come again so he takes another step forward. Nothing. Another step and—

Squeak.

FIONA METZ: What the fuck is that?

Squeak.
DICK DELAURIER: Some kind of…vermin? Maybe?

SqueakSqueakSqueakSqueakSqueak!

FIONA METZ: I’m Adam García and welcome to Jackass!

Adam García comes out of nowhere with a shopping cart! He rams it full speed into Duffy’s back and Duffy flies forward, dropping the title in the process. He nearly crashes into a pyramid of stacked bean cans but Duffy is able to stop his momentum before that happens. The champion gets to his feet, favoring his back, and García rams the shopping cart into his midsection.

FIONA METZ: I’ve had that happen. Unpleasant.

DICK DELAURIER: You were in a Supermarket Showdown?

FIONA METZ: No but I worked at Tesco and I was very rude.

Brogan Duffy has spilled over the front of the shopping cart and now he is inside! Adam García wheels him down an aisle then breaks into a full on sprint. He releases the handle and the shopping cart, with Duffy inside, smashes into the deli counter! Duffy flies out and lands in a bed of package meat!

FIONA METZ: Sure hope he isn’t vegan.

DICK DELAURIER: Somehow I doubt it.

The Spanish Ace is very pleased with himself. He takes his time approaching Brogan Duffy, telling Diego Leach to follow closely and have the championship ready. Leach does just that. García finally reaches Duffy but the champion leaps out of the meat display swinging a full honey ham! He bashes García in the side of the head with it and it sends the challenger reeling into the frozen food aisle.

DICK DELAURIER: I assume that hurt. It’s just a hunk of meat.

FIONA METZ: We’re all just hunks of meat.

DICK DELAURIER: Touché.

Bastard lines Adam García up and then tosses the ham like a football and it once again drills García in the side of the head. The Spanish Ace tries to hold himself up with the door handle of one of the fridges but Duffy runs and kicks his hand, smashing his fingers! García lets out in pain, releasing the handle. Duffy opens the fridge door and takes a moment to embrace the cold air. He lets out a dramatic exhale and then puts García’s head in the fridge! Diego Leach asks him not to do it but Duffy doesn’t give a fuck! He slams the door on García’s head! CRUNCH!. García falls backward onto the floor and Duffy makes the first cover of the contest.

FIONA METZ: Well he is surely dead.

1..

2..!

DICK DELAURIER: Not quite!

Adam García shoots his shoulder off of the seafoam green floor and Brogan Duffy immediately looks around for another weapon. He notices a wall of spices and gets an idea. After some searching, the champion finds what he is looking for and holds the package up for the camera to see.

DICK DELAURIER: Is that?

FIONA METZ: It is.

DICK DELAURIER: Chili powder.

Bastard rips open the spice pack and waits for Adam García to stand. When the challenger finally does get to his feet Brogan Duffy takes a handful of chili powder in and throws a cloud of it in García’s face! The dust settles and–

FIONA METZ: It’s not very effective…

DICK DELAURIER: What on Earth?

FIONA METZ: He’s fucking Spanish.

The Spanish Ace just smiles and then clobbers Brogan Duffy with a rolling lariat. Duffy stumbles back over to the deli counter and then finds himself at the seafood counter. García blasts him with a running V Trigger and Duffy is down again. Wanting to make a point, García vaults over the seafood counter and disappears for a few moments. When he returns he is very armed–

FIONA METZ: No, it can’t be. Please let that be real.

DICK DELAURIER: This company is fucking insane.

Adam García leaps over the counter and in his arms he has an entire swordfish. Brogan Duffy gets to his feet and García swings the swordfish in his direction! The sword part of the fish (I don’t know the fucking name and I’m not looking it up) slices across Duffy’s chest! He’s actually bleeding. Duffy staggers backward and García tries to throw the swordfish like a spear! Duffy barely moves out of the way in time and saves himself from being impaled.

FIONA METZ: I know a guy that died that way actually.

DICK DELAURIER: Is that right?

FIONA METZ: Swordfish had a vendetta. Those fuckers are relentless.

The Spanish Ace can feel the title within his grasp. He tries for another running V trigger but Brogan Duffy sidesteps him, grabs a 24 pack of bottled water and hucks it at the challenger! It smokes García in the side of the face and he falls over a railing into one of the checkout lanes. Duffy favors the slash across his chest, sees the blood, and is beyond pissed.

FIONA METZ: What do you do to a man who cut you with a swordfish? Like what is the punishment for that?

DICK DELAURIER: Not winning a title?

FIONA METZ: Yeah I guess that makes sense.

Bastard vaults over the railing and rams García’s head into the metal frame of the conveyor belt! Not once. Not twice. But thrice! Duffy gets an idea and he tries to scan García’s face. Apparently it’s not in the system. Duffy isn’t going to give up so easily. Duffy grabs a microphone and his voice rings out through the store’s PA system.

BROGAN DUFFY: Price check on a jackass!

??: Copy that!

FIONA METZ: Is someone working there right now?

Duffy shrugs and then bounces García’s face off of the steel again! The champion then forces García’s face onto the black rubber belt itself. Duffy goes to press the “ON” button but García hits him with a sharp elbow to the midsection. García whips Duffy away from the checkout aisle and Duffy nearly hits the pyramid of beans – again! Duffy stops short but García comes out of nowhere and blasts him with a running V trigger that sends Duffy right into the pyramid of beans. They all come crashing down on him. García digs through the pile of botulism and covers Duffy.

1..

2..

..!

Someone broke up the fall! It’s Ollie Maverick! Ollie Maverick has arrived and he’s holding…a pack of donkey meat? Adam García gets to his feet and is irate!

OLLIE MAVERICK: So it says donkey meat is $6.99 a pound but that seems pretty expensive to me…

Adam García is all rage. He goes to hit Maverick but he is pushed out of the way by someone else! It’s Ace Sky! Sky goes after Maverick but García grabs Sky and shoves him out of the way. Sky catches García with a hook kick to the jaw that sends García reeling backward into the Irish Goodbye (Package Piledriver) from Brogan Duffy onto the pile of bean cans! García is out. Sky and Maverick start brawling as Duffy covers García.

1..

2..

..3!

BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here is your winner and STILL RAZOR Wrestling GRBG Champion, “Bastard” Brogan Duffy!

Diego Leach hands the title to Brogan Duffy and we see that Ollie Maverick has shoved Ace Sky into a refrigerator and used a broom in the handle to lock him in. Maverick notices Duffy and walks right over to him. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a piece of card.

OLLIE MAVERICK: Hey pal! Congrats! This is for you! See you in two weeks.

Maverick goes to leave the frame but then stops.

OLLIE MAVERICK: And I’m keeping the donkey meat.

Duffy’s next challenger walks out of the store and the camera closes in on Duffy reading the card that he was handed.

BROGAN DUFFY: (reading) This card is worth free admission for one adult to…Trash Land?

The champion rolls his eyes and slings the title over his shoulder. He walks out of the store, leaving Ace Sky locked in a fridge and Adam García laying among a pile of bean cans.


Molly Bones stands in the doorway of her house in Bowdon. The interior is dark and despite it being a sunny day in England (what are the chances?) all of the curtains are drawn and there is no natural light seeping in. She takes a few steps forward into the foyer and cranes her neck to see down the dark hallway that leads to the dining room.

MOLLY BONES: Razor? Bobby?

Silence. She takes a few more steps forward and then looks over backward over her shoulder in the brief hope that maybe Mauler Metz had followed her in. She’d give anything not to be alone right now but every impulse in her body told her that she had to move forward.

MOLLY BONES: I now understand most characters in horror films.

Before she knows it, Bones is down the hallway and peering into the dining room table. Despite being here to find someone, some people, she was surprised to see someone sitting at the head of the dining room table with their back to her.

MOLLY BONES: Razor? Bobby?

She reaches to her left, keeping her eyes on the figure seated in front of her. It takes a few seconds but her fingers find the light switch. She takes a step forward and that’s when she notices it. Because she stepped on it. A kitchen knife, in a puddle of blood.

MOLLY BONES: Oh God.

Against her better judgement Bones moves to the side of the table and her eyes grow wide with horror. The person in the chair is covered in blood. The person in the chair is someone she knows. The person in the chair is dead.

MOLLY BONES: Henry…Hank...

The dining room lights up blue and red with the cherries from police cars that have arrived. Bones stares at her friend and she can’t bring herself to move. She doesn’t even react when they call out to her.

“KEEP YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM!”