RAZOR Wrestling Episode #1

Welcome to the first ever offering from RAZOR Wrestling. Welcome to the desert! The heat! The sweat! The hallucinations! We couldn’t have a better place to have the first RAZOR Wrestling show because we can't afford to tour and RAZOR President Molly Bones owns the arena! But that is beside the point because RAZOR Wrestling is here! What does that mean? You're about to find out!

We go to the commentary table and play-by-play man (and all around sweetheart) Dick Delaurier is seated, ready to call the action. To his right is his broadcast colleague, the acerbic Fiona Metz.

DICK DELAURIER: Hello wrestling fans and we thank you for being with us here tonight! My name is Dick Delaurier and I am pleased as heck to be joined by the always controversial Fiona Metz.

FIONA METZ: Wish I could say the same, Dick. But you and I both know that I’m only here because I am teetering on the edge of bankruptcy after my slimeball ex-husband took me for everything that I’m worth!

DICK DELAURIER: I sympathize with your plight, Metz but tonight isn’t about you or I. Tonight is about the debut of RAZOR Wrestling!

FIONA METZ: I have no food in my fridge, Dick.

DICK DELAURIER: Plenty of food to go around in catering!

FIONA METZ: I’m vegan, Dick.

DICK DELAURIER: Folks, we aren't going to waste one more second of your time, we are going to get right into the action as Japanese sensation Masaru Shinja takes on the violent Luchadora, Craneo in our opening contest.

FIONA METZ: If I stop talking for an extended period of time, know that I have passed out.

DICK DELAURIER: Duly noted!



Masaru Shinja gets a great response on his entrance – likely because he’s the coolest motherfucker in the room at all times. His manager Oh Tadao, maybe not as cool, but still very respected. Craneo comes out flanked by Calavera and the fans just start booing them. No real reason, but probably because they look like jerks.

FIONA METZ: Why are they booing? Do they not like attractive women?

DICK DELAURIER: I can’t say for sure but it might be because both Craneo and Calavera have very bad reputations in Mexico.

FIONA METZ: Everyone has a bad reputation in Mexico. I’m not even allowed to go back there.

The match starts fast with the two competitors trading some cruiserweight offense. Shinja hits a dropkick early that sends Craneo to the floor. Shinja flashes that million dollar smile and the fans love it. Craneo and Calavera do not.

“Cooler Than Cool” goes for a suicide dive but Craneo moves out of the way and Shinja collides with the guard rail. An enziguiri and a snap suplex from Craneo puts her in control of the match. Craneo taunts the fans in Las Vegas and said fans respond with a storm of expletives.

DICK DELAURIER: Craneo should be focussed on getting Shinja back in the ring to end this match.

FIONA METZ: Don’t mansplain wrestling to her. She is a verified luchadora.

Both competitors are back in the ring when Shinja catches Craneo with a leaping leg lariat for a near fall. Shinja tries to shoot off the ropes but Calavera grabs his foot from the outside. This distraction allows Craneo to hit Shinja with a backstabber for a near fall of her own. Tadao just watches, he’s not going to get involved unless it’s absolutely necessary. The elderly can teach us so much.

Craneo hits the Poderosa Bomba (Sit-out Powerbomb) for another near fall and then calls out to Las Vegas…

CRANEO: Se acabó!

She sets Shinja up for ​​El Estigma (Crucifix Armbar) but Shinja counters it into Cool Down (Kneeling Reverse Piledriver)! Craneo staggers up to her feet only to be met with the deadly One Hit Wonder (Knockout Spinning Heel Kick)! Craneo crumbles to the mat and Shinja covers for the 1-2-3!

BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here is your winner, "Cooler Than Cool" Masaru Shinja!


RAZOR Interviewer Brick Kind enters the ring to speak with Masaru Shinja. Calavera also enters the ring to check on Craneo.

BRICK KIND: Congratulations Masaru on getting the first victory in RAZOR Wrestling history. How are you feeling?

While catching his breath and keeping one eye on Craneo and Calavera, Shinja responds.

MASARU SHINJA: I am very happy to be here in RAZOR Wrestling. I was told that this would be a shit place to work because Molly Bones is a bad person but my experience so far has been fine.

The Las Vegas crowd isn’t sure how to take that but after a moment of consideration they collectively applaud.

MASARU SHINJA: I think that some wrestlers here are bad people. I am not a bad person. I am cool and I want to do things the right way. Craneo did not do things the right way and that is why she is a loser tonight.

Craneo takes that comment personally. Both Craneo and Calavera advance on Shinja as Kind darts from the ring like a coward. Shinja doesn’t back down, he stands toe to toe with his pursuers. The crowd pops as Oh Tadao enters the ring.

FIONA METZ: Oh come on. This old guy is gonna turn to dust if Calavera hits him.

DICK DELAURIER: Tadao is a legend in Japan. Don’t underestimate him for a second.

Shinja and Tadao stand toe-to-toe with Craneo and Calavera. The Vegas fans want to see a fight but it doesn’t happen. Craneo and Calavera leave the ring but talk all kinds of shit as they head up the ramp.



Following the commercial for a questionable GRBG Original show, “The Fortunate Son” Ax Rockwell is backstage with Brick Kind. The Vegas fans pop for Ax, as he is a native of the desert.

BRICK KIND: Wrestling fans I am here with Ax Rockwell, the son of the man that RAZOR Wrestling is named after. Ax, you have been in the industry for over twenty years and have yet to have any significant success. Now you are in RAZOR Wrestling, a federation started by your step mother and named after your father – how are you dealing with the pressure?

AX ROCKWELL: Well let me tell you somethin’ Brick, I’ve been down every road that this industry has to offer. I’ve made some mistakes, I’ve wronged the wrong people, I’ve blown many opportunities – but that is all in the past.

Ax takes a beat to let his words resonate.

AX ROCKWELL: I am here in RAZOR Wrestling to finally take what I deserve. Tonight I am in the main event, not because of nepotism, the President of this company does not like me at all. No. I am in the main event because it makes sense. This federation is named after my father, of course I’m gonna be in the first main event. But that’s where the preferential treatment ends. It’s sink or swim for me tonight, I need to win. Nothing else is acceptable.

BRICK KIND: And how do you feel about your opponent PJ Lemon?

Ax chuckles.

AX ROCKWELL: I’ve heard stories about her. I know that she’s a bit of a wildcard and I am looking forward to the match. Clearly I have the physical advantages but I’m not underestimating her. She is here because she is talented. We’ll see just how talented she is.

BRICK KIND: Thanks for the time Ax.

AX ROCKWELL: Thank you. Vegas baby! Let’s do the fuckin’ thing.

Rockwell heads out of frame and Brick does that weird “stare off into the distance” before we transition to the arena feed.


“Dreamweaver” Hope Freya makes her entrance and gets a good response. Her flowing dance to the ring had the audience captivated. The complete opposite happens as “The Mystic Tsar” Sergei Invanov stomps to the ring. Freya isn’t intimidated – in fact, she looks disinterested.

DICK DELAURIER: Hope Freya is one of the most intriguing talents that has signed with RAZOR Wrestling. A former competitive dancer who has set her sights on professional wrestling because she sees it as an art form.

FIONA METZ: Honestly? Respect. It is an art form. But Sergei Ivanov is a brutal bear from Russia. Freya may want to head back to the dance studio after Ivanov is done with her.

Ivanov tries to truck Freya off the opening bell with a clothesline but Freya bends backwards with an impressive Matrix evasion. Ivanov rushes her again, looking for another clothesline but Freya cartwheels out of the way and then hits Ivanov with a dropkick to the knee.

The fans cheer for Freya as she hits the ropes and comes back with a hurricanranna to the kneeling Ivanov that sends The Mystic Tsar face first into the mat. Freya does a spin on the tip of her toes and then drops a knee onto the prone Ivanov’s head.

FIONA METZ: I am mesmerized by this chick.

DICK DELAURIER: I think we all are.

Freya takes a bow but Ivanov pops back up and grabs her in a sleeper hold. Ivanov only holds it for a few seconds before he sends Freya into the ropes and drops her with a body avalanche. Ivanov starts pacing around his downed opponent, telling her to stand. Freya does just that and Ivanov tries for a collar and elbow tie up but Freya surprises him with Wash Over (Capoeira Kick)!

DICK DELAURIER: What a shot from Dreamweaver!

FIONA METZ: That was the most graceful knockout shot I’ve ever seen.

The Mystic Tsar is dazed and Freya hits him with the elegant Dream Sequence (Springboard Spike Poisonrana)! Ivanov is laid out as Freya climbs to the top rope! The fans are on their feet as Freya leaps off of the top rope and lands a perfect Forever Midnight (Top Rope Front Flip Foot Stomp)! Freya covers and secures the 1-2-3!

BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here is your winner, "Dreamweaver" Hope Freya!

The referee raises Hope Freya’s hand. Dreamweaver curtsies for the fans and they pop, which is an insane thing to say. A wrestling crowd pops for a curtsy. 2023 baby. Ivanov is just starting to get to his feet as Freya leaves the ring. She ballet dances her way up the ramp as we head to a commercial break.


Following the commercial break, “Sour Power” PJ Lemon is backstage at the catering table. She acts as if the cameraman caught her by surprise but she asked for this interview time so that’s some bullshit.

PJ LEMON: Alright mate? Name’s PJ Lemon. Easy to remember, impossible to forget. Gotta say, I was excited to come to Vegas but this town sucks. Everyone here smells awful and looks to be generations of inbred. You probably don’t smell it because you are used to it but it’s quite terrible. I’ll be writing to the local government to get this sorted. Can’t stand it.

Lemon picks up a lime in disgust and hucks it over her shoulder. Off screen you can hear someone say, “What the fuck?”. Lemon chortles.

PJ LEMON: You know what else stinks? Ax Rockwell. Just because this cunt’s daddy was king shit in the 80s, Cockwell thinks that he’s the prince that was promised? Fuckin’ nope. Ya might be a big cunt, ya might have the pedigree, but I’m gonna embarrass you tonight my son. I’m half your size but twice as clever. When I’m finished with ya it’s gonna be real fuckin’ tough for ya to show yer face down on the strip. Get that resume touched up Ax Man because ya gonna be lookin’ for a new profession. Gotta say.

Third match of the evening is a real clash of styles. "Maître Artiste" Pascal Gaudin comes to the ring with the absolutely stunning Sabine Moreau trailing him. The fans clamber to get a hand shake but Gaudin does everything in his power to avoid being touched by the unwashed masses.

DICK DELAURIER: Pascal Gaudin calls himself the “Rembrandt Of The ring” which is new.

FIONA METZ: Kinda biting Hope Freya’s gimmick, isn’t he?

DICK DELAURIER: I imagine that will be a point of contention in the future.

FIONA METZ: Seed planted!

"Sweet Talker" Zilpah Okelo makes her entrance and has no problem embracing the fans. She is talking shit all the way down the ramp and we get a shot of Gaudin in the ring and he looks like he has just gotten a whiff of something awful smelling.

DICK DELAURIER: Zilpah Okelo is fired up. She hasn’t stopped talking since she arrived at Bobby Shitake Arena! Or so I’ve heard.

FIONA METZ: Maybe she should shut up and fight. I dunno, I’m just here for the paycheque.

DICK DELAURIER: We know.

The match starts with your standard collar and elbow lock up but Okelo puts Gaudin on the mat and then blasts him with a dropkick that sends him flying into a corner. Okelo paces around the ring yelling “He ain’t ready for this shit.” and Gaudin is absolutely beside himself. The match continues on like this, with Gaudin failing to get the upper hand at every turn. Okelo catches Gaudin with a superkick that sends him out onto the apron. Okelo feeds him through the ropes and plants him with Out To Dry (Rope Hung DDT) for a near fall.

DICK DELAURIER: Okelo with a brutal DDT! Gaudin has to be seeing stars after the impact of that move.

FIONA METZ: I’m sure he’s used to it. I’ve heard that the guy loves wine and opium.

DICK DELAURIER: Opium? Really?

FIONA METZ: This is just what I hear. No way to verify.

Sabine Moreau starts chirping at Okelo from ringside. Okelo smirks and sits on the middle rope, inviting Moreau to enter the ring and “get her some”. Gaudin blasts Okelo in the back of the head with a superkick of his own and then plants her with The Artiste Statement (Half And Half Suplex) for a near fall.

DICK DELAURIER: Pascal Gaudin finally gets into this contest.

FIONA METZ: He was biding his time. Waiting for inspiration.

DICK DELAURIER: By getting his ass kicked?

FIONA METZ: Inspiration through pain, it’s not unheard of.

Gaudin keeps Okelo grounded with some quick stomps and climbs to the top rope. Perched, Gaudin takes a bow and then leaps off the top rope looking for French Connection (A top-rope diving elbow drop) but Okelo moves out of the way at the last second. “Not today, motherfucker!” she says and the crowd pops. Okelo shows her strength, getting Gaudin up for a powerbomb. Okelo takes a few steps across the ring and plants him into the canvas with The Fools (Running Powerbomb)! She covers again.

1..

2..

..!

At the last second Moreau puts Gaudin’s foot on the bottom rope! The audience is livid! Okelo is livid! Okelo immediately slips through the ropes and chases after Moreau. It’s cat and mouse, running around the ring, until Gaudin comes flying out of the ring with a tope suicida! Okelo crashes into the guard rail and Gaudin slides her back into the ring. Gaudin climbs to the top rope and comes crashing down on Okelo with The Brushstroke (Froggy Bow)! He covers.

1..

2..

..3!

BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here is your winner, "Maître Artiste" Pascal Gaudin!

"Symphony No. 5" by Ludwig van Beethoven cues up. Gaudin gets his hand raised but can’t bare the referee touching him. Moreau enters the ring and raises Gaudin’s hand. He pulls her in close and gives her a kiss on the cheek as Vegas boos in a chorus. Gaudin takes a bow and leaves the ring with his paramour.




Backstage Brick Kind is standing with “Dreamweaver” Hope Freya. Kind is trying to start the interview but Freya keeps looking off into the distance and toward the ceiling, like she is following a particularly quick bird.

BRICK KIND: I’m here with Hope Freya who earlier tonight was successful in defeating Sergei Ivanov in her RAZOR Wrestling debut. Hope, how are you feeling about your big victory tonight?

HOPE FREYA: My feelings shift with the tides. When I was announced as victorious I was elated. But then I quickly became sad.

BRICK KIND: Sad? Why would you be sad?

HOPE FREYA: An unfortunate consequence of this vocation is that there will be a loser. I feel for Sergei because he tried very hard but he lost. He must be upset with himself and I am the reason for that. It brings me no joy.

A voice calls out from off screen. Freya isn’t fazed.

??: You know what does not bring me joy?

"Maître Artiste" Pascal Gaudin walks into the frame, accompanied by Sabine Moreau.

PASCAL GAUDIN: Listening to this absurdité. You are sad because you achieved victory? Ridiculous! Monsieur Kind you should not be interviewing someone with such little passion. You should be speaking with the Maître Artiste! J'étais vainqueur!

SABINE MOREAU: You consider wrestling an art form. Is that right petite dame? You are no artist. You have no concept of the sacrifice that it takes to be a real artist.

HOPE FREYA: You seem angry with me and for that I apologize. I am truly sorry that my performance tonight has made you and your friend feel so insecure. Those must be difficult emotions to process.

PASCAL GAUDIN: Me? Insecure!? Connerie! I will show you how insecure you’ve made me feel in two weeks when you and I face off in that ring. We will see who the real artist is on that canvas out there. Jusque-là, nous disons bonne journée!

Gaudin and Moreau stomp out of frame with their noses turned up. Freya is left wide-eyed, not blinking.

HOPE FREYA: I like them.

The main event is here. “Sour Power” PJ Lemon walks to the ring and she has a clothespin over her nose. The crowd showers her in jeers because they do not believe that they stink. I refuse to comment. Lemon enters the ring and sits on the top rope, waiting for her opponent.

DICK DELAURIER: Telling an entire city that they smell bad, an interesting way to introduce yourself from PJ Lemon.

FIONA METZ: I mean, she isn’t wrong.

“DOA” by Van Halen kicks up and “The Fortunate Son” Ax Rockwell comes to the ring and the crowd explodes. Rockwell is all piss and vinegar as he stomps to the ring. Just as he reaches ringside, Lemon dives over the top rope with a somersault plancha and takes him down!

FIONA METZ: Okay I love this bitch already.

DICK DELAURIER: What a way to kick off our first main event!

Lemon mounts Rockwell and hammers him with shots like a wild animal. Rockwell is caught completely off guard and the audience can’t believe it! Lemon takes the clothespin and starts trying to jam it into Rockwell’s eye!

FIONA METZ: This chick is out of her mind!

Rockwell shoves Lemon away and gets to his feet. Lemon, smiling like a Cheshire cat, invites Rockwell to come at her. Rockwell obliges but Lemon side steps him and sends him face first into the steel steps with a drop toe hold! Lemon walks up the steps and raises her hands in victory – despite the match having not even started yet.

DICK DELAURIER: She thinks that she’s won!

FIONA METZ: She’s a winner in my book!

“The Fortunate Son” is up to his feet and we can see that he is bleeding! Lemon leaps off of the steel steps and takes Rockwell down with a Lou Thesz Press. Lemon tries sticking her thumbs into Rockwell’s eyes but he is able to buck her off. Lemon slides into the ring and lays on her stomach. She rests her chin on hands, elbows on the canvas, and kicks her feet playfully.

Rockwell cautiously gets into the ring, wiping the blood from his face. Referee Diego Leach approaches Rockwell and asks if he wants to forfeit. Rockwell gives him a stern look and lightly pushes him to the side. Leach calls for the bell.

DICK DELAURIER: What heart from Ax Rockwell! A bloody mess, and he still wants to compete!

FIONA METZ: I mean she fucking embarrassed him. Gotta get your heat back, brother!

Lemon stands and gives Rockwell a “bring it on” gesture. Rockwell goes after her but Lemon rolls forward and hits Rockwell with a dropkick to the back of the knee. Rockwell is kneeling when Lemon jumps on his back and applies a sleeper hold. Rockwell stands but the hold is locked in perfectly. Rockwell has no choice but to drop his head and whip Lemon’s body hard onto the canvas.

The audience is popped as Rockwell finally catches a break. Lemon rolls onto her back and begs off, she wants no part of Rockwell. “The Fortunate Son” doesn’t advance immediately and Lemon darts forward, looking for a low blow. Rockwell snaps his legs shut, snatches Lemon up and plants her with a scoop powerslam and it gets a huge reaction.

FIONA METZ: Oh big man! She’s half your size!

“Sour Power” takes refuge in the corner but Rockwell charges in and smashes her with a running back elbow. Rockwell paces back to the center of the ring, the blood on his face drying, and a pissed expression. Rockwell charges in and flies through the air with a Sin City Splash (Stinger Splash) that sandwiches Lemon into the corner. She falls face first onto the canvas. Rockwell rolls her over and covers.

1..

2..

..!

DICK DELAURIER: PJ Lemon is still in this match!

FIONA METZ: She’s too slick for this old war horse.

Lemon gets her foot on the bottom rope! Las Vegas boos, heavily. Rockwell is undeterred, he yanks Lemon off the canvas and sets her up for a piledriver! The audience is ready to see it but Lemon drops to a knee, crawls through his legs, and leaps up to hit Rockwell with the Lemon Drop (Backstabber)! Lemon covers!

1..!

Rockwell kicks out at one and the roof comes off of Bobby Shitake Arena! Lemon can’t believe it and she lets out a frustrated scream. Lemon grabs the referee and shoves him to the ground. You might think that it killed him. Glass referees, a staple. Rockwell grabs Lemon from behind and goes for a Blue Thunder Bomb but Lemon digs her fingers into the cash on his head, drawing more blood, and forcing Rockwell to release her.

DICK DELAURIER: Is there any shortcut that Lemon won’t take?

FIONA METZ: I mean I doubt that she would try to like – murder him.

Lemon positions herself in front of Rockwell and waves “bye bye”. Before Rockwell can react, Lemon spits a fine mist of lemon juice into his eyes! It also probably didn’t feel great going into the cut on his head. Lemon quickly hits Rockwell with a chop block and then drills him with Sour Creamed (Springboard Shining Wizard)! Lemon covers and the referee has miraculously recovered!

1..

2..

..3!

Big Mouth Mindy: Here is your winner, “Sour Power” PJ Lemon!

The bell sounds and the arena is deflated. Diego Leach raises Lemon’s arm and she looks pleased as punch. Ax Rockwell is still down on the canvas and Lemon looks inspired. Lemon leaves the ring monetarily and searches under the apron. When she reappears, she is holding two objects.

DICK DELAURIER: She can’t be serious…

FIONA METZ: Okay, holy shit this is amazing! I was wrong! She does want to murder him!

Lemon enters the ring with a red gas can and a bright yellow Zippo lighter. Diego Leach tries to stop her but she palms the lighter and smashes Leach in the side of the head with a loaded fist. Lemon uncaps the gas can and starts pouring it all over Rockwell!

DICK DELAURIER: Why is no one coming to stop this?

FIONA METZ: Because this is going to be a moment! I love it! RAZOR Wrestling – you might fuckin’ die!

Lemon flicks open the Zippo and the crowd explodes (not literally). Lemon seems confused but the reason for their reaction becomes clear as “Cooler Than Cool” Masaru Shinja is sprinting to the ring! Shinja slides into the ring and Lemon swings the gas can at him but Shinja ducks under it and attempts to smash her with One Hit Wonder (Knockout Spinning Heel Kick)! Lemon barely gets out of the way and flees the ring.

FIONA METZ: Oh fuck you Masaru! I wanted to see a man fire!

DICK DELAURIER: Masaru did the right thing and that is very cool.

FIONA METZ: You’re a fuckin’ nerd.

Lemon scowls from the ramp as Shinja welcomes her to come back and fight. Lemon refuses but she mouths the words “You’re gonna regret this, cunt!”. The copywrite logo comes up and you know what that means – we’re outta here!