RAZOR Wrestling Episode #3

The elaborate and impressive intro for RAZOR Wrestling plays and when it transitions into a shot of Bobby Shitake Arena, “Ballroom Blitz” by Sweet immediately kicks up. The audience loses their shit – they know who is coming out and they aren’t happy about it.

DICK DELAURIER: Las Vegas is giving a warm welcome to “Sour Power” PJ Lemon.

FIONA METZ: They hate her because they ain’t her.

PJ Lemon skips out onto the stage and the boos increase considerably. She stands, pouting, with her hands on her hips. Lemon sticks out her tongue and continues skipping down to the ring.

DICK DELAURIER: As hated as PJ Lemon has become, she might be the biggest star that RAZOR Wrestling has made so far.

FIONA METZ: Of course she is! People are paying money for tickets to boo her!

Lemon is in the ring and she produces her pink microphone with the lemon wind muff. The audience keeps booing but she starts talking anyway. This woman doesn’t give a fuck!

PJ LEMON: Gotta say Las Vegas, I don’t give a fuck. You cunts can boo me all you bloody well want to but I’m here and I’m gonna keep doing my thing so you should just shut the fuck up and enjoy it.

They don’t. They don’t enjoy it. Lemon saunters around the ring, soaking in the hatred that is being directed at her.

PJ LEMON: Let’s talk about tonight, shall we? That cunt of a General Manager, Hank Malone, he’s decided to put me in a Las Vegas Street Fight tonight against Zilpah Okelo. Boy do I have egg on my face. I thought for sure that he was gonna pick the dancing queen Hope Freya to come after me but he really swerved me. Smart cunt, that Malone.

There is a pop for both Zilpah Okelo and Hope Freya.

PJ LEMON: I went to beat on Freya because I was sure it was her but here we are. I’m facing a chick who showed that she can get brutal. Okelo put a hurting on Sergei Ivanov last week and I’ve gotta say – I was impressed. She–

Lemon doesn’t get to finish her thought because “Sound The Horns” by Wu-Tang Clan kicks up. Vegas pops as “Sweet Talker” Zilpah Okelo stomps out onto the stage with a microphone in hand.

ZILPAH OKELO: Y’know bitch, we ain’t gotta wait until the main event. These people, they are tired of you talkin’. I’m tired of you talkin’. So let’s get you to stop talkin’. Let’s fuckin’ fight, right now.

Okelo drops the microphone and starts stomping down the ramp but Nick Brave and a large squad of Brave Security spill out from either side of the ramp and get in the way. Okelo is pissed but Lemon is laughing her ass off. The hoard stands between Okelo and the ring.

PJ LEMON: Looks like you’re gonna have to wait, princess. But don’t worry. Don’t you worry one little bit. Our match is going to be everything you want and more. The more is gonna be you laying in the ring like a bloody corpse at the end, but you’re gonna get a fight. Gotta say.

Lemon drops the mic and stands with her arms outstretched. Brave Security ushers Okelo back up the ramp and through the curtain. Lemon leaves ringside through the crowd – just to be safe.

The first match of the evening sees Craneo make her entrance, accompanied by Calavera. Craneo’s opponent, Jahkay “Kano” Miller is already in the ring – so that doesn’t bode well for him. Craneo doesn’t even acknowledge Kano as she steps into the ring. How rude.

DICK DELAURIER: It looks like Craneo is taking the debuting Jahkay Miller very lightly.

FIONA METZ: The guy didn’t even get an entrance. He sure as shit is not winning.

The bell sounds and before it has stopped ringing out, Kano has darted across the ring and caught Craneo right in the chin with a leaping bicycle knee! Las Vegas pops big as Craneo crumbles to the canvas and Kano makes the first cover of the contest.

1..

2..!

DICK DELAURIER: Kano almost puts Craneo away in the opening minute of this contest!

FIONA METZ: Yeah but that’s it for him. Craneo is gonna body this clown.

Craneo just kicks out. Kano is quickly back up to his feet, he has put some distance between himself and Craneo. The luchadora stands but Kano catches her with a low dropkick to the left knee and then cracks her in the side of the head with an enziguiri! Calavera is beside herself ringside as Kano makes yet another cover.

FIONA METZ: Oh what the fuck!

1..

2..!

DICK DELAURIER: Kano has come to Las Vegas with something to prove and Sin City is loving him for it!

FIONA METZ: They are going to be really disappointed by the end of this. Like most people are when they leave Las Vegas.

DICK DELAURIER: Because they don’t want to leave?

FIONA METZ: Because they are leaving broke. Kano is gonna leave here broken.

DICK DELAURIER: Thanks for that, Billie Eilish.

"La Muñeca Diabólica" kicks out again right before referee Vivian Rosser gets to three. Vegas is on its feet as the newcomer is taking the fight right to Craneo. Calavera tries to motivate Craneo from ringside as Kano peels the latter off the canvas and shoots her into the ropes with a hard Irish whip.

DICK DELAURIER: Jahkay Miller has been dominating this contest. Who saw this coming?

FIONA METZ: No one! He didn’t even get an entrance! This is all wrong. The Big Book Of Wrestling Tropes didn’t prepare me for this.

Craneo rebounds off the ropes and Kano leapfrogs over her. Kano spins around just in time to see Craneo flying through the air via a springboard and she catches Kano with her patented DDT! Kano is spiked head first into the canvas. Craneo scowls at the audience in Bobby Shitake Arena before she takes off and hits Kano with Cerebro Rojo (Springboard Moonsault)! Craneo covers and Rosser is there to make the count.

1..

2..!

FIONA METZ: Count faster Rosser! You are not using an equal cadence!

DICK DELAURIER: I assure you that she is.

Kano kicks out and Vegas pops again. They seem to like this kid. Craneo waits for Kano to stand and when he does Craneo goes for a pump kick. Kano catches her foot, wags a scolding finger in her face, and then puts her down with a snap dragon screw! Craneo got right back up but walked into a cutter from Kano!

Craneo rolls to the outside to catch her breath but Kano isn’t having any of that shit. Kano hits a baseball slide that sends Craneo hard into the barricade. Calavera tries to get in Kano’s face as he sits on the apron but Rosser tells her to back up or risk getting ejected. Kano waves goodbye and the crowd pops yet again! Calavera backs away but pulls out her cellphone and starts texting. A little unprofessional but whatever.

DICK DELAURIER: Is she…texting?

FIONA METZ: Craneo and Calavera are very popular on social media and that shit don’t sleep.

Craneo has slipped back into the ring behind Kano, she tries to grab him but he blasts her with a shot to the side of the head. Craneo staggers to the middle of the ring and Kano climbs to the top rope. Craneo lunges forward and leaps up, hitting Kano with a dropkick to the small of the back, causing him to straddle the top rope.

FIONA METZ: Farewell testicals, we hardly knew Ye!

Calavera finishes texting and gives Craneo a thumbs up. Craneo nods, slips under Kano, and then plants him in the middle of the ring with Ponderosa Bomba (Sit-Out Powerbomb)! Kano is laid out and Craneo makes the cover.

1..

2..

..!

DICK DELAURIER: Kano kicks out! Craneo can’t believe it!

FIONA METZ: Time for his fiery babyface comeback…

DICK DELAURIER: Big Book Of Wrestling Tropes?

FIONA METZ: Yeah. For whatever that piece of shit is worth.

Kano kicks out! Las Vegas is ecstatic as Kano quickly gets back to his feet. Craneo looks for a running big boot but Kano ducks behind her, collects her arm and blasts her with Eat Shit (Ripcord Elbow)! Craneo drops to her knees and Kano takes off to hit the ropes. He returns and hits her in the face with Daybreaker (Shining Wizard)! Craneo is flattened and Kano covers.

1..

2..

..3!

BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here is your winner, Jahkay “Kano” Miller!

"Trophies Of Violence" By While She Sleeps hits and Jahkay Miller gets his arm raised by Vivian Rosser! Kano celebrates and Vegas chants his name. When the chats abruptly stop, Miller’s attention is drawn to the apron where Calavera is standing.

FIONA METZ: Gran Mama wants to get her some!

DICK DELAURIER: Grandmother?

FIONA METZ: It means Big Momma in Spanish, Dick. Come on.

Kano invites Calavera to get into the ring but this distraction left him wide open to be attacked. Calavera holds up her phone and points at it just as Kano is clubbed from behind! He drops to the mat and standing above him is…

DICK DELAURIER: That’s Araña Oscura! Calavera called in reinforcements!

FIONA METZ: That was a quick jaunt from Mexico.

DICK DELAURIER: I have to imagine that Oscura was already in the building.

Calavera gets into the ring. The trio of Craneo, Calavera, and Oscura start stomping away on Kano and Vegas boos the actions of the luchadors to shit. The three of them peel Kano off the mat and Calavera lifts him up for a powerbomb. With Craneo and Oscura on either side, Calavera drills Miller into the mat with a triple powerbomb! The three stand tall as we go to a commercial.

The scene opens in the backstage area, where resident interviewer, Brick Kind, stands in front of a RAZOR Wrestling logo'd backdrop, with a microphone in hand and a grin stretching across his mouth.

BRICK KIND: Ladies and Gentlemen, it is an honor to introduce to you RAZOR Wrestling newest acquisition, Your Hero, and Mine, Mark Storm!

A pop from the main arena reverberates through the backstage corridors, as the camera pans to Your Hero and Mine, Mark Storm.

BRICK KIND: It's a pleasure to have you with us, Storm!

MARK STORM: The pleasure is all mine, Brick.

BRICK KIND: Now Mark, you're one of the biggest names in professional wrestling, with an illustrious list of accomplishments from all over the globe. And now you're here, in Las Vegas, Nevada - ready to take Razor Wrestling by a storm! What's your motivation behind joining RAZOR? What do you hope to accomplish whilst being here?

Storm runs his fingers through his hair, licking his dry lips before opening them.

MARK STORM: Like you just said Brick, I've been everywhere, accomplished things that most people only dream of accomplishing. And I'm very grateful for that. But as grateful as I am, I still have this itch to do more. I still have this desire to show the world I am the best wrestler in the world, doesn't matter where, every-time I step into that four sided ring, I show out. That's what you get with Your Hero, and Mine.

He allows his signature smirk to cement over his lip, before continuing.

MARK STORM: RAZOR Wrestling is a new promotion and I'm here to put this place on the map. It's as simple as that, Brick. New competition, new opponents, new goals to go after, that's what this is all about. I'm here to entertain the fans, I'm here to motivate all the guys and gals at the back. I'm here to win titles but most importantly, I'm here to be the best. The Razor Wrestling World Championship, that's what's gonna differentiate the best from the side characters... and make no mistake about it, Brick - I ain't no side character, no, I'm the protagonist, YOUR Hero and MINE, ready to take RAZOR Wrestling by a storm!

The scene gradually fades out.

Both competitors are in the ring and before referee Wes Eastman starts the contest, we get a reminder of what “The Mystic Tsar” Sergei Ivanov went through last week in his match against “Sweet Talker” Zilpah Okelo.

Ivanov welcomes a shot with the steel chair. Okelo doesn’t hesitate, she smacks Ivanov in the face with it! Ivanov is staggered a bit but he stays on his feet. Ivanov says, “Snova.”, which means “Again” for those of you who do not speak Russian.

After the briefest of consideration, Okelo blasts Ivanov in the head with the chair again. A fine mist of blood is sent into the air from Ivanov’s head but he does not leave his feet. Okelo drops the chair and smokes Ivanov with a superkick.

The final shot is of Ivanov laying on the mat, covered in his own blood.

We get a one shot of Sergei Ivanov and his bandaged forehead. Across the ring is Murder Ninja, who is hopping back and forth on his toes, ready for this match to start. Eastman calls for the bell and Ninja propels himself toward Ivanov. Ivanov moves out of the way and sends Ninja chest first into the corner. Ninja staggers backward right into a quick back suplex from “The Mystic Tsar”.

DICK DELAURIER: Welcome to RAZOR Wrestling!

FIONA METZ: Murder Ninja is quite the name. No mixed messages there.

Ninja rolls backward off of the suplex and gets back to his feet. Ivanov looks to clobber him with a lariat but Ninja rolls forward, turns and cracks Ivanov with an enziguiri! Ivanov just absorbs it. Ninja smiles, takes off for the ropes, hits a second rope springboard and comes flying through the air to blast Ivanov with a thrust kick! The Russian still doesn’t go down.

DICK DELAURIER: What is Sergei Ivanov made of?

FIONA METZ: Russia.

Ivanov roars but Ninja isn’t scared, he takes off for the ropes again. Ninja tries to hit another springboard maneuver but Ivanov catches him and plants him into the canvas with a massive spinebuster. Absolutely bodied. Ivanov gets to his feet and points at Ninja, who is lying prone on the canvas.

SERGEI IVANOV: Eto vse, chto u tebya yest' dlya menya?

FIONA METZ: What does that mean?

DICK DELAURIER: I thought you were the multilingual person in this booth?

FIONA METZ: That was a rhetorical question! Of course I know what it means.

The audience boos Ivanov’s lack of respect for his opponent. If there is one thing that Vegas is known for, it’s respect. Ninja is up on all fours when Ivanov stomps on his left hand. Ninja lets out a scream and Ivanov knees him in the face. Ninja is on his back again and Ivanov does not look pleased at all.

DICK DELAURIER: Ivanov is not happy with the level of competition he has been offered here tonight.

FIONA METZ: You’re saying that a guy calling himself Murder Ninja isn’t a top shelf competitor?

DICK DELAURIER: Don’t let the name fool you, I’ve seen some tape and he should not be underestimated.

FIONA METZ: Ah, like a Juggalo with scissors.

Ninja starts getting to his feet again and Ivanov grabs him by the back of the head. Ninja breaks Ivanov’s grip and blasts him with a heavy forearm shot that staggers the Russian! Ivanov checks his mouth for blood and…yep…he’s bleeding again. Ivanov smiles, his teeth stained with his own blood. Ninja smiles back and hits Ivanov with a quick spinning heel kick that sends Ivanov careening into the nearest corner.

FIONA METZ: Christ! Maybe he is a ninja!

The audience is behind Ninja as he charges into the corner and blasts Ivanov with a running shotgun dropkick! Ivanov is stunned! Ninja quickly darts to the opposing corner and then charges in again, this time hitting Ivanov with a running high double knee! Ivanov is pancaked into the corner and then he falls flat on his face. Ninja makes a cover.

1..

2..!

Ivanov powers out and Eastman holds up two fingers. We know dude. Ninja tries to haul Ivanov up to his feet but “The Mystic Tsar” grabs him by the throat! Ninja looks terrified as Ivanov pulls him in and roars in his face. Ivanov lifts Ninja up for a chokeslam but while in the air, Ninja knees Ivanov in the face!

DICK DELAURIER: What a counter from Murder Ninja!

With his opponent’s grip broken, Ninja lands safely on the mat. Ninja quickly springs off of the second rope, flies through the air, and catches Ivanov with a cutter! Ivanov is laid out and Ninja quickly ascends to the top rope! The audience gets their smartphones ready and Ninja smiles at them before he leaps off the top rope and comes crashing down on Ivanov with Im-possible (630 Senton)! Ninja makes the cover.

1..

2..

..3!

BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here is your winner, Murder Ninja!

"Suffa" by (hed) PE hits and Wes Eastman raises Murder Ninja’s hand! Sergei Ivanov sits up and stares at Ninja. The audience’s cheers turn to roars of warning as Ivanov gets to his feet. Ninja turns around, ready to fight again but Ivanov simply pats the newcomer on the back and then raises his hand. Ninja doesn’t really know how to take this but doesn’t question it.

The shot switches to a monitor backstage and pulls back to show “Maître Artiste” Pascal Gaudin and Sabine Moreau watching what has just transpired in the ring. Gaudin has a disgusted look on his face, as does Moreau. I mean, more disgusted than usual. They both always look to be in some state of revulsion.

PASCAL GAUDIN: I knew that coming to this company would have us sharing a locker room with insectes but this is just absurd. Murder Ninja? What kind of débile nom is this?

SABINE MOREAU: You forget, my sweet, we are in Las Vegas. This disgusting city is full of dégénère. That is why someone as ridiculous as Murder Ninja is being championed by the audience. They are of low intelligence and simple pleasures.

PASCAL GAUDIN: This is why they love someone like Hope Freya. She used an illegal hold to defeat me last week. Her victory should not be official. This whole place is against us, my love.

SABINE MOREAU: I had that feeling too. That is why I asked some new friends to come speak with you. Here they are now.

The camera pans left to show the trio of Craneo, Calavera, and Araña Oscura approaching. The trio are clearly still celebrating their beatdown of Zahkay Miller from earlier in the evening.

SABINE MOREAU: Thank you for joining us, ladies. My love and I were just speaking about some of the new “talent” that has started infesting RAZOR Wrestling. We do not like it. From your actions earlier in the evening, you do not like it either.

CRANEO: We don’t like it. That is why we brought our friend Araña Oscura to Las Vegas. We are not idiotas. We know that new signings are coming and that they want our spots. We are not going to let that happen. The three of us are Destructoras, and we are going to make sure that the new talent in this company gets a very warm welcome.

PASCAL GAUDIN: I quite like the sound of that. We originals need to stick together so we are not ousted from the company that we have put on the map. Of course, we would never presume to join your…Destructoras...but we could establish a working relationship of sorts.

Craneo takes a moment to consider the proposition. Calavera whispers something in her left ear and then Oscura whispers something in her right ear. Secrets do make friends, it seems. Craneo smiles.

CRANEO: That we could. There is much that we could do to help each other.

SABINE MOREAU: Should we take this conversation away from–

Moreau looks directly into the camera lens.

SABINE MOREAU: –prying eyes?

All three Destructoras nod. The five of them walk out of frame and we will hear no more of this conversation. I don’t think anyone should be worried though. They seem like they have the best intentions. Right?



Deep in the bowels (ew) of Bobby Shitake Arena the shot lands on the door of “The General” Hank Malone’s office. And it is…ajar. The camera moves into the arena and Malone is seated at his desk with his eyes closed, rubbing his temples. A production assistant stands beside him cradling a clipboard.

HANK MALONE: Tell me one more goddamn time.

SOPHIE WHIMM: He’s…not here.

HANK MALONE: Where is he?

SOPHIE WHIMM: …not here.

Malone looks up at Sophie with a “well fucking obviously” look on his face.

HANK MALONE: Yeah I gathered that, sweetheart. But no one knows where the big bastard is? No one has seen Ax Rockwell today, at all?

SOPHIE WHIMM: No sir. We’ve looked everywhere. I even went to his favorite local spots and no one has seen him.

HANK MALONE: Well we’re all kinds of fucked now, ain’t we? I’m sure Pascal Gaudin ain’t gonna be mad that he’s gonna get a forfeit victory but that’s one less match on the show and I ain’t got no bodies to replace Rockwell on such short notice. Unless you want to go out there and fight him?

SOPHIE WHIMM: No thank you sir, I would not want to embarrass him.

HANK MALONE: Course. You’re a real terror. I guess I’m just gonna have to give Gaudin the forfeit victory.

There is a knock at the door and the camera spins around to show brand new RAZOR Wrestling signee Jack McGrath darkening the doorway.

JACK MCGRATH: Don’t be so sure about that, General.

HANK MALONE: You’re good to go, kid?

JACK MCGRATH: I didn't travel 40 hours on a Greyhound bus to not compete. I'm ready to fuck shit up, and put on a show for these people.

HANK MALONE: Well alright then. Get to gorilla, you’re up next.

McGrath salutes Malone and takes off down the hall.

"Symphony No. 5" by Ludwig van Beethoven hits. Vegas boos, as they usually do when “Maître Artiste” Pascal Gaudin makes his entrance, with Sabine Moreau at his side. The two make their way down the ramp and once Gaudin is in the ring, he demands that referee Kate McHale count out Ax Rockwell. Guess he didn’t hear the news.

DICK DELAURIER: I don't think that Pascal Gaudin knows that he has a new opponent.

FIONA METZ: Kind of bullshit if you ask me. Gaudin had no time to prepare.

DICK DELAURIER: Jack McGrath just got off a forty hour bus ride.

FIONA METZ: Ew.

"Juggernaut" by Cave In cues up and the newcomer, Jack McGrath walks out onto the stage. The audience cheers for him – mainly because he isn’t Pascal Gaudin. We get a shot of Gaudin in the ring and the Frenchman is furious. McGrath hits the ring and McHale calls for the opening bell.

FIONA METZ: I have a feeling that Gaudin is going to have some words for Hank Malone.

DICK DELAURIER: I doubt that he cares.

FIONA METZ: And I will say that Ax Rockwell is a massive pussy for not showing up here tonight.

McGrath rushes Gaudin but Gaudin sticks half of his body through the ropes and McHale stands between the two competitors. McHale backs McGrath up and Gaudin reaches over her shoulder to poke McGrath in the eye. McGrath staggers to the middle of the ring and Gaudin moves McHale to the side before he charges across the ring and hits a jumping knee to McGrath’s spine that sends the latter into the corner chest first.

FIONA METZ: Did this kid even get a chance to warm up?

DICK DELAURIER: You know that he didn't.

FIONA METZ: Foolish!

Gaudin puts McGrath on his back with a leg sweep and then mounts him. Gaudin lays into McGrath with some mounted strikes before transitioning into an arm bar. McGrath fights as best he can and grabs the bottom rope. McHale forces Gaudin to break the hold. Gaudin stands and stomps on McGrath’s left arm, which causes the newcomer to let out in pain.

FIONA METZ: What was McGrath thinking? Gaudin is going to pick him apart.

DICK DELAURIER: He wants to prove himself. I find it inspiring.

FIONA METZ: Yeah but this isn't the 1993 film classic Rudy.

Moreau applauds from ringside as Gaudin takes a bow. Vegas collectively calls him a piece of shit in their own special way. McGrath gets up off the mat but Gaudin blasts him with a dropkick that sends him back into the ropes. McGrath catches himself and Gaudin rushes in on him but McGrath hip tosses him over the top rope to the floor! Gaudin lands in a heap and McGrath has earned a reprieve.

DICK DELAURIER: Big opening for McGrath here.

“Maître Artiste” gets up with some help from the ring apron but McGrath is there! McGrath kicks Gaudin in the face and then leaps off the apron and hits Gaudin with a tornado ddt onto the floor! Moreau screams in horror. McGrath gets Gaudin up and rolls him into the ring. McGrath scrambles into a cover and McHale makes the count.

1..

2..!

FIONA METZ: Not today Greyhound Jockey.

DICK DELAURIER: Greyhounds don't have jockeys...

FIONA METZ: The bus company, you fool!

Gaudin kicks out to the joy of no one but Moreau. Gaudin scrambles back up to his feet but McGrath hits him with a knife edge chop that rings throughout the arena. SMACK! Gaudin stumbles around, clutching his chest and then walks right into a brutal lariat from McGrath. Gaudin is turned inside out and McGrath falls into another cover.

1..

2..!

FIONA METZ: Okay maybe there is something to this kid.

Vegas groans as Gaudin kicks out again. The Frenchman is quickly up to his feet but he is rattled. He walks right into McGrath’s clutches and gets laid out with a powerslam. McGrath hits three successive first drops to Gaudin’s forehead and covers “The Rembrandt of The Ring” for a third time. This time Vegas counts along because they know that three fist drops means that this dude is done.

DICK DELAURIER: This could be Jack McGrath's moment!

1..

2..

..!

BOOOOO! Gaudin kicks out for a third time. The Frenchman grabs the bottom rope and McGrath grabs him by the left boot. Gaudin kicks back with his right leg and catches McGrath in the midsection. Gaudin stands and rushes McGrath – only to get BLASTED with a roaring elbow! Gaudin sits up immediately out of instinct but he is in La La Land. McGrath hits the ropes and comes back with the Union Made (Lariat to a seated opponent). Gaudin is down again but McGrath doesn’t cover – he plays to the crowd!

FIONA METZ: What are you doing, you stupid dick!

DICK DELAURIER: Please do not use that word as an insult.

FIONA METZ: I'm legitimately sorry.

The audience cheers for McGrath but Moreau is up on the apron. Referee McHale tells Moreau to get off the apron and at this moment Gaudin gets up to a knee and hits McGrath with a low blow! BOOOOO! Gaudin rolls McGrath up and McHale drops into the count.

1…

Gaudin puts his feet on the middle rope for added leverage, McHale doesn’t see it!

2..

..3!

BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here is your winner, “Maître Artiste” Pascal Gaudin!

"Symphony No. 5" by Ludwig van Beethoven hits again. Vegas hates it. Kate McHale raises Pascal Gaudin’s hand in victory. Sabine Moreau joins Gaudin in the ring and the two embrace. They share a kiss and then Moreau gestures to the entrance ramp. "Los Intocables" by Control Machete cues up–

DICK DELAURIER: Oh no.

FIONA METZ: They’re baaaaaack.

Destructoras are here. Craneo, Calavera, and Araña Oscura sprint down the ramp and enter the ring. The trio surround poor Jack McGrath and his immediate future looks very grim indeed. McGrath gets to his feet as Pascal Gaudin and Sabine Moreau watch from a corner, smiling like the assholes that they are.

Before anything can happen, the crowd explodes in cheers! Zahkay “Kano” Miller runs down the ramp and slides into the ring to stand with McGrath! All three Destructoras just laugh because the odds are still on their side.

DICK DELAURIER: A noble gesture from Zahkay Miller but they are still outnumbered!

FIONA METZ: Yeah it’s not like help is just going to fall from the – oh for fucks sake.

The crowd pops again because help literally does fall from the sky! Murder Ninja is repelling down from the rafters! Murder Ninja lands in the middle of the ring, unhooks himself, and smiles.

FIONA METZ: You have got to be kidding me.

And it’s on! Gaudin and Moreau scramble out of the ring as the other six start brawling. They all pair off and it’s war in the middle of the ring. Las Vegas is losing it as chaos reigns right before their eyes. Nick Brave and Brave Security flood the ring in no time but it’s not an easy task for the team. The brawl spills to the outside and security can’t contain it. We cut to commercials because what a perfect time it is for that.





The crowd is ready because it’s time for the main event. “Ballroom Blitz” by Sweet cues up and out walks “Sour Power” PJ Lemon to an extremely negative reaction. Under her arm, Lemon is carrying a custom pink and yellow football helmet. Instead of a team’s logo, it has a picture of a lemon. Where does she get these ridiculous toys? Lemon prances down to the ring as if the crowd is cheering for her. They aren’t, of course.

FIONA METZ: PJ Lemon is a genius. Zilpah Okelo likes to use chairs, so Lemon brought a helmet. God, I love this woman.

DICK DELAURIER: Is it really going to help, though?

FIONA METZ: Who cares?

"Sound The Horns" by Wu-Tang Clan hits and the fans lose their minds. “Sweet Talker” Zilpah Okelo comes out onto the stage and she is armed with a steel chair. We cut to Lemon in the ring and Lemon is tapping her temple with a smirk.

FIONA METZ: See? Genius.

Okelo enters the ring and referee Diego Leach goes over the rules. Lemon flips him off and Okelo tells him to “ring the fuckin’ bell”. Nice language. Leach shrugs and calls for the bell. Lemon puts on the helmet and Okelo approaches her, armed with the chair. Lemon taps the helmet and tells Okelo to “Go ahead, cunt.”

DICK DELAURIER: She’s actually serious.

FIONA METZ: Deadly.

“Sweet Talker” is trepidation but only for a moment. Lemon taps the helmet again. Okelo winds up and blasts Lemon. Wouldn’t you know it, the helmet, it did nothing! Lemon is staggered and she drops to a knee. She’s rocked. Okelo winds up again but Lemon darts forward and head butts Okelo in the midsection! Okelo has the wind knocked over her and is doubled over. Lemon is on one knee. She stands and throws her head back and catches Okelo under the chin with the back of the helmet!

FIONA METZ: I hope Okelo didn’t value her tongue.

DICK DELAURIER: She might not be a Sweet Talker anymore.

FIONA METZ: Nice tag.

Okelo is rocked now and is bleeding from the mouth. She has also dropped the chair! Lemon darts forward and battering rams Okelo in the midsection again. Lemon quickly hits Okelo with a snap suplex. Vegas hates that Lemon’s little plan is working. Lemon curtsies and then climbs to the top rope. Lemon stands on the top rope for a moment, surveying the crowd through the helmet’s visor.

DICK DELAURIER: This is one of the most absurd things I’ve ever seen.

FIONA METZ: RAZOR Wrestling baby! This ain’t SWF!

Lemon salutes the crowd in mocking fashion and leaps from the top rope, looking for a flying headbutt! At the last second Okelo grabs the chair and holds it in the way! Lemon’s head smashes into the chair. Okelo lays the chair on the canvas, rips the helmet off of Lemon’s head, and then hits her with a bulldog onto the chair! Lemon’s face is driven into the steel and she immediately rolls out of the ring.

FIONA METZ: I wish I was as smart as this goddess.

DICK DELAURIER: Maybe one day.

FIONA METZ: Doubt it. I love drugs too much. Cocaine especially.

Okelo follows Lemon to the outside after a brief moment to compose herself. On the outside, Lemon is nowhere to be found. She reappears on the other side of the ring, having crawled under the apron. Okelo sprints around the ring to meet her opponent but Lemon meets her with a fire extinguisher! Lemon empties it into Okelo’s face. Okelo is temporarily blinded! Lemon cackles and then blasts Okelo in the side of the head with it!

DICK DELAURIER: PJ Lemon is so incredibly dangerous.

“Sweet Talker” is down, her face covered in the white contents of the fire extinguisher. (Don’t be gross.) Lemon slowly approaches Okelo, still cackling. Lemon tries to peel her off the floor but Okelo shoves her away. Lemon is angry now, she darts forward and spears Okelo hard into the front of the announce table.

DICK DELAURIER: My La Croix!

FIONA METZ: I never want to hear you say something like that again.

DICK DELAURIER: I just opened it!

Forgoing the usual “clear the announce table of shit”, Lemon hauls Okelo up onto the announce table and the two are standing. Lemon slaps Okelo in the face and that was not a great move because it apparently woke Okelo up. Okelo catches Lemon with a throat thrust and then pulls her into a Samoan drop! The announce table explodes (figuratively) and the two competitors lay in the rubble. The audience loves it!

FIONA METZ: Well now what the fuck are we gonna do? We can’t see shit!

DICK DELAURIER: The ring is right in front of us.

FIONA METZ: They aren’t in the ring, Dick.

DICK DELAURIER: Were you using my name or calling me one.

FIONA METZ: I told you I wouldn’t use it that way anymore.

DICK DELAURIER: Appreciate you.

Las Vegas is cheering for “Sweet Talker” but Okelo doesn’t have time to bask in it. She wants to hurt Lemon some more. Okelo drags Lemon back to the ring but Lemon is also dragging something – a monitor! Okelo gets into the ring and then reaches through the ropes in an attempt to drag Lemon into the ring. Lemon swings wildly and the monitor connects with the side of Okelo’s head! The screen shatters and Okelo falls back into the ring. Lemon flashes a creepy smile while taking a second to recover.

DICK DELAURIER: I truly don’t think we have the money to replace that.

FIONA METZ: Old Lady Bones is gonna be pissed!

In the ring now, Lemon has a shard of glass from the screen in her hand. Leach looks concerned and that is warranted because before he knows it Lemon has Okelo mounted and is trying to drive the shard of glass into Okelo’s eye! and is trying to drive it into Okelo’s eye! The audience can’t believe what they are seeing and Leach tries to reason with Lemon as Okelo holds onto Lemon’s wrist, trying her best to prevent a pirate situation for herself.

DICK DELAURIER: I can’t believe what I’m seeing!

FIONA METZ: There is a joke about Okelo not being able to see but I just can’t find it.

DICK DELAURIER: Probably for the best.

The glass is an inch away from Okelo’s eye when Okelo bucks Lemon off, sending her across the ring. Leach breathes a sigh of relief but Lemon charges back and looks for the Applause Break (Leaping Superkick) but Okelo catches her out of the air and quickly plants her with Run The Fools (Running Powerbomb)! Lemon is slammed into the canvas and Okelo covers. Leach drops into the count.

1..

2..

..!

Lemon doesn’t kick out. She stabs Okelo in the arm with the glass! Okelo breaks her own pin and starts cursing a blue streak. Lemon stands and is cackling yet again. Must have been raised by hyenas. Lemon licks Okelo’s blood off the shard of glass and then tries to go after Okelo with it again! Leach gets in the way and says that it’s too much! Lemon stops in her tracks and seemingly agrees with Leach.

DICK DELAURIER: Finally! Some rational behavior out of PJ Lemon.

Lemon nods in agreement and then floors Leach with an Applause Break (Leaping Superkick)!

FIONA METZ: Haha! Wrong!

The crowd does not like this at all but they do like when Okelo smokes Lemon with a superkick! “Sour Power” drops and Okelo quickly gets her up and then plants her with World War Z (Riptide)! Las Vegas erupts as Okelo covers. But there is just one problem–

FIONA METZ: Nope.

(1)..

FIONA METZ: Dumb.

(2)..

FIONA METZ: Not gonna count.

..(3)!

FIONA METZ: Doesn’t matter.

– there is no referee. Visual pins don’t mean shit! Okelo loses her shit and tries to revive Leach. It’s kind of working but it takes some time. Enough time for Lemon to recover and surprise Okelo with the Lemon Drop (Backstabber)! Okelo is hurt but she tries to get back up, only for Lemon to pick up the chair and deliver a disgusting chair shot to Okelo’s head.

DICK DELAURIER: Good LORD!

Leach is starting to stir and Okelo is down. But Lemon is not satisfied. “Sour Power” retrieves the piece of glass and threads it into the front of her knee pad. Uh-oh. Okelo is up to her knees and Lemon hits her with Sour Creamed (Springboard Shining Wizard) sending the glass into Okelo’s face! The crowd gasps and Lemon covers, smiling like the weird freak that she is. Leach, in his weakened state, is able to make the count.

1..

2..

..3!

BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here is your winner, “Sour Power” PJ Lemon!

Dr. Kelly Costa and her medical team immediately hit the ring as “Ballroom Blitz” by Sweet cues up. Referee Diego Leach finds the strength to raise PJ Lemon’s hand but the celebration doesn’t last because–

FIONA METZ: Oh fuck off with this.

“Only Shallow” by My Blood Valentine hits and “Dreamweaver” Hope Freya saunters down the ramp. Lemon is incensed – this is her moment! Costa and her team check on Okelo as Freya reaches the ring and enters.

DICK DELAURIER: Oh my. What is going to happen here?

FIONA METZ: Art School is gonna express her feelings? Who fucking cares? She is ruining Lemon’s celebration!

Freya and Lemon come face to face. Freya says something that we can’t hear but it earns a laugh from Lemon. Freya is not impressed. Lemon covers her mouth, still laughing. Freya keeps talking until–

FIONA METZ: There it is! She wasn’t stifling her laughter, she was loading the chamber!

Lemon spits a fine mist of lemon juice into Freya’s eyes! Freya is blinded! Lemon slips out of the ring, laughing. Las Vegas boos her but Lemon doesn’t care. She has won two battles here tonight and she is leaving a fucking highway of destruction in her wake. Freya frantically tries to clear her eyes of the acidic juice but it doesn’t seem to be working. Lemon raises her arms in triumph as our show draws to a close. That’s it, that’s all folks!