Hocus Pocus
Jun 2, 2023 17:43:32 GMT
Post by Murder Ninja on Jun 2, 2023 17:43:32 GMT
[last week on RAZOR Wrestling]
The hero of our story - the man called Murder Ninja - had an exciting adventure at RAZOR Wrestling last week. After an impressive victory over the thicc Sergei Ivanov, Murder Ninja found himself wandering the Bobby Shitake Arena, getting into all of the nooks and crannies he could find. The unnatural redhead explorer eventually found himself in the rafters, attached to a harness.
[ninja] “What could go wrong?”
He chuckled to himself, realizing nobody else was around. He looked down and saw the show still going on. From high above, the action-packed action in the ring looked unremarkable. Something was happening, and then a match was over, and then three more humans ran down the ramp. The Murder Ninja could only tell that the odds were not in someone’s favor, so he decided…
[ninja] “Eh… fuck it…”
He repelled down from the rafters and landed in the middle of the ring. He unhooked himself and smiled as the fans in attendance lost their heckin’ minds. Murder Ninja and two humans fought three humans who all had the same hair color. The hero of our story had no idea what was going on, but the fans were into it. Security hit the ring but couldn’t contain it. The show then cut to commercial but the chaos continued. With everyone rumbling on the outside of the ring, he narrowly escaped and slid back into the ring. The fans roared as he climbed the ropes in the corner.
[ninja] “What could go wrong? L O L “
Without hesitation, he soared off of the top and did some wicked flippy stuff, landing on the sea of bodies and crumbling most of ‘em to the floor. More security dorks eventually made their way out and the chaos was cleaned up in time for the main event.
[ninja] “Wait! This wasn’t the main event?!”
Fade to…
[last week on RAZOR Wrestling]
It turns out that spending every waking moment of childhood as the son of a legendary professional wrestler means that he can see things coming. Professionally, that is. At this moment, he wishes he could see things coming. He’s seated at Heart Attack Burger and it is jam freakin’ packed. He hasn’t seen anyone comin’ his way with a menu, though he probably doesn’t need one. He’s just going to order by pictures… because he’s hiiiiiiiiiiigh as a mothertrucker.
So high, in fact, that he doesn’t notice that his phone has been vibrating constantly for… an unknown amount of time. Vibrating and also…
🎵”Whores in this house
There's some whores in this house
There's some whores in this house
There's some whores in this house (hol' up)
I said certified freak, seven days a week
Wet ass pussy, make that pullout game weak, woo!”🎵
He finally puts two and two together… but gets nineteen point three somehow.
[ninja] “Ooohhh… four!”
What?
[ninja] “Heyyy! I know herrr!”
Oh. He pulls out his cell phone and props it up on an unreasonably tall glass of carbonated sugar water, then presses the screen. A video chat pops up with a pretty girl smiling back at him.
[ninja] “Heyyy, Joi! I know you! It’s meee! At Heart Attack Burger!”
[joi] “Ah, okay. I was wondering where you ran off to.”
[ninja] “Aww, babe. I left money on the dresser.”
[joi] “For the seventh time… I’m not a prostitute. I told you that when we met at Stu’s… and then five more times throughout the week. Are you okay?”
[ninja] “Mostly. Just really, really, really, really, really, really…”
He takes a breath.
[ninja] “... really hungry. And also…”
He crouches down, looking around skeptically.
[ninja] “... a liiiiiiiittle high.”
After a quick chuckle, he sits up in his chair.
[joi] “Weed is legal in Vegas but… sure. My boss got me a comp ticket for Sunday’s show and I was hoping to maybe… go backstage to hang out with you. I don’t do well with huge crowds… but I’d really love to be there to support you.”
[ninja] “Ooohhh I thank someone’s sweet on lil old maayyy!”
[joi] “Not if you’re going to be weird about it. Hah!”
[ninja] “But yeah, babe. I can sneak you in. Alls I got is a trios match with Jack and… Jack? No, that’s not right. Jake?”
[joi] “Jaykay.”
[ninja] “Sure! That’s the one! We’re fightin’ a group of witches. These reboots are goin’ too dark if you ask me. I don’t even recognize these Hocus Pocus characters. It’s going to be–”
He pauses, noticing a waiter walking by.
[ninja] “Excuse me!”
She stops and turns to him.
[ninja] “I was wondering if I could see a menu please. I’m hungry af.”
She looks confused.
[waiter] “You… already ate…”
He looks down at the table and notices the remnants of a feast that he somehow forgot existed.
[ninja] “Ooohhh! Right on! Thanks!”
The waiter walks away and the hero of our story looks back to his phone. He can’t think of a clever way to end the conversation. Fade to red.