RAZOR Wrestling Episode #4

Well shit, it’s Sunday already. We’re live (pal) from the Bobby Shitake Arena in Las Vegas, Nevada. The show begins with “When The Levee Breaks” by Led Zeppelin cuing up and “The General” Hank Malone struts to the ring. He gets a mixed reaction, probably because no one likes authority, but he’s a decent guy! The General gets in the ring and is handed a microphone by Big Mouth Mindy.

HANK MALONE: Welcome rasslin’ fans to Episode #4 of RAZOR Wrestling. Now I ain’t out here to waste time. We’ve been the talk of the industry these last few weeks and the brass has decided that it’s time we figure out just who–

Before Malone can get another word out, "Symphony No. 5" by Ludwig van Beethoven cues up. “Fuck this guy” is the sentiment I gather from the fans in Vegas. “Maître Artiste” Pascal Gaudin struts to the ring with Sabine Moreau on his arm. The duo enter the ring and Moreau collects a microphone for Gaudin. It takes a minute for the fans to shut up and when they do Gaudin speaks.

PASCAL GAUDIN: Monsieur Malone, je sais pourquoi vous êtes ici et je ne peux pas, en toute bonne conscience, vous permettre de faire cette annonce!

Malone is leaning on the ropes in the corner. He is not impressed. He slowly brings the microphone to his lips.

HANK MALONE: I don’t speak French there, Pascal. You gonna try that one more time?

Gaudin and Moreau snicker.

PASCAL GAUDIN: Of course you do not because you are an idiot. Do you know how I know that for certain? Because I know what you are out here to do. I know who it involves and it is perhaps the most idiotic decision you could make.

HANK MALONE: Is that right? Lemme ask ya, son – do you think it’s stupid because it ain’t involving you?

PASCAL GAUDIN: That is exactly why! You and Molly Bones are making a gigantesque mistake by not giving the Maître Artiste this opportunity. That’s why I am here, I am here to give you the opportunity to change your mind.

Malone cocks an eyebrow, intrigued.

HANK MALONE: I wanna thank you for that courtesy, Pascal. Give me a second to think about this.

The General strokes his chin and Gaudin looks quite pleased with himself. Moreau pats Gaudin on the back, convinced that he has changed Malone’s mind.

HANK MALONE: Yeah that ain’t gonna happen.

Gaudin starts freaking out. He’s upset! Beside himself! Enraged!

HANK MALONE: Listen, son. You’re a hell of a hand. Hell of a hand. But this opportunity, it just ain’t for you. Not right now. Learn yerself some new holds, keep trainin’. One day we’ll talk about getting you in–

Maître Artiste isn’t having it! Gaudin launches himself across the ring and he blasts Malone with a forearm shot to the face. The General goes down. Gaudin tries to continue his attack but Moreau backs him off. Gaudin composes himself, maybe realizing that he took things too far.

DICK DELAURIER: That is going to cost him some money.

FIONA METZ: Hanky is a tough old chunk of coal. He can take it.

Dr. Kelly Costa flies to the ring and tries to check on Malone but The General is not having it. He gets to his feet and starts laughing, wiping the blood away from his mouth.

HANK MALONE: That’s one way to get yer point across, kid. But I can’t let ya set such a bad precedent. So yer fuckin’ suspended for two weeks. Get the fuck out of my arena.

Gaudin tries to attack Malone again but Brave Security enters the ring and subdues him. Moreau pleads with her beau to calm down but Gaudin is dragged kicking and screaming from the ring. Dr. Costa demands that Malone exits the ring for medical evaluation and The General reluctantly agrees.

Referee Vivian Rosser waits in the ring and "Sirius" by The Alan Parsons Project kicks up. Pockets of the crowd cheer as “Infinite” Alex Kincaid makes his way to the ring with Alyssa Paige on his arm.

DICK DELAURIER: This will be the debut match for Alex Kincaid here in RAZOR Wrestling and would you look at the beauty on his arm.

FIONA METZ: Don’t be gross, Dick.

DICK DELAURIER: I am simply stating the obvious.

FIONA METZ: So am I. You’re being gross.

Kincaid enters the ring and begins warming up as “DOA” by Van Halen hits the speakers. The camera rushes to the curtain and then stands static waiting for Kincaid’s opponent. About thirty seconds go by and the crowd begins growing restless.

DICK DELAURIER: Ax Rockwell said that he would be here tonight.

FIONA METZ: And yet…he isn’t. Coward!

DICK DELAURIER: Don’t be so sure!

After some time “Fortunate Son” Ax Rockwell emerges from behind the curtain to a decent pop. Rockwell takes a moment to take in the adulation from the fans before he makes his way down to the ring. He reaches the bottom of the ramp and takes a deep breath before entering the ring.

FIONA METZ: I am truly shocked. I thought he was finished.

DICK DELAURIER: The company is named after his father. I had faith that he would find his way.

FIONA METZ: Yeah but is that the way to victory? We shall see! Dun, dun, duhhhhh!

The bell sounds and the two men come to the center of the ring. They share a nod of respect and then Kincaid immediately targets Rockwell’s left leg with some well placed kicks. Rockwell tries to put some distance between himself and Kincaid but the latter is much quicker on the uptake. Rockwell backs into the ropes and comes back at Kincaid looking for Vegas Vacation (Running Big Boot) but Kincaid picks Rockwell’s leg and applies Navarro Death Roll (Rolling inverted figure four leglock)!

FIONA METZ: It’s barely started and it’s gonna be over!

DICK DELAURIER: Poor Ax Rockwell can’t catch a break.

FIONA METZ: His leg might break! Oh who am I kidding, he’s gonna submit immediately.

Rosser is right in Rockwell’s face, looking for the verbal submission, but Rockwell screams now. “Fortunate Son” reaches out and is able to grab the bottom rope and Rosser forces Kincaid to break the hold. Kincaid breaks it immediately and is quickly back up to his feet. Rockwell is back up too and he is trying to shake some feeling back into his left leg. The two competitors share a smile and lock up!

FIONA METZ: Oh isn’t that special. Losers.

Rockwell breaks the hold and delivers a hard body shot. Kincaid takes a few steps back and hits a hard kick to Rockwell’s left leg. Rockwell fires back with another big body blow and that drives the wind out of Kincaid. Rockwell takes off for the ropes and on his return he goes for a heavy clothesline but Kincaid picks his leg and drops him into a knee bar!

DICK DELAURIER: This Alex Kincaid is relentless.

FIONA METZ: I mean he’s facing the biggest loser in the company. He probably knows that if he keeps it up with the submissions then Ax is just gonna quit.

Kincaid is wrenching back with all of his might, trying to do as much damage as possible to Rockwell’s leg but Rockwell makes it to the ropes yet again. Rockwell pulls himself up using the top rope and Kincaid rushes him. Rockwell drops his shoulder and launches Kincaid over the top rope! Kincaid lands on the apron but Rockwell explodes and hits him with a clothesline that turns Kincaid inside out! Kincaid lands with a thud on his stomach on the outside.

DICK DELAURIER: There is life in Ax Rockwell!

Paige makes her way over to Kincaid and tries to motivate him to get to his feet. It works! Kincaid is back up and he sees Rockwell sitting on the middle rope, inviting him into the ring. Kincaid laughs and accepts the invitation. Once back in the ring they lock up again but Rockwell shows some spirit and slams Kincaid into the canvas with a power slam! Rockwell covers and Rosser slides in to make the count.

1..

2..!

Kincaid is able to kick out and Paige applauds from ringside. Rockwell lets Kincaid get up and when the latter is on his feet he throws a wild punch but Rockwell sidesteps it and traps Kincaid in the dreaded sleeper hold! Kincaid flails around, trying to get free. When that doesn’t work Kincaid slips one hand behind Rockwell and plants him into the canvas with a back suplex! Kincaid immediately rolls forward in expert fashion and applies a single leg crab!

FIONA METZ: Just quit already, Ax. Your Dad is dead, he’s not gonna be impressed.

DICK DELAURIER: Jesus Christ.

FIONA METZ: Hey if you are allowed to state the obvious then so am I.

DICK DELAURIER: Don’t be gross.

FIONA METZ: Fuck yourself.

The fans cheer as Rockwell is able to break Kincaid’s grip with his free hand. Rockwell scrambles back up to his feet but Kincaid is locked and loaded! Rockwell moves to get Kincaid in his clutches but he eats The Big Fat Kill (Superkick)! Rockwell drops immediately and is knocked loopy! Kincaid makes his first cover of the contest.

1..

2..

..!

Kickout, to everyone’s surprise. Everyone except for Kincaid. Paige can be heard saying “Keep on him!” and Kincaid acknowledges her. Rockwell is back up to his feet when Kincaid hits a chop block! Rockwell drops to his back, holding his left knee in agony! Kincaid can smell the blood in the water. Kincaid drops a knee to Rockwell’s head and then points at “Fortunate Son’s” chest. “Right!” Kincaid yells before he leaps into the air! Kincaid screams “There!” as he delivers a giant leaping elbow. The crowd loves it and Kincaid covers again.

FIONA METZ: Oh this guy is a fucking goof.

DICK DELAURIER: I appreciate the showmanship! This is Vegas after all.

1..

2..

..!

Rockwell kicks out again and at least half of his hometown crowd is on his side. The other half remember that he no-showed last week. Consequences! Kincaid calls for the end and then invites Rockwell to get up to his feet. When Rockwell does Kincaid rushes at him but Rockwell hits him with a roaring elbow! Kincaid is rocked (no pun intended) and Rockwell kicks him in the gut and then drops him with a perfect piledriver! Kincaid’s eyes are glazed over as Rockwell dives into a cover.

FIONA METZ: Is the Forgotten Son gonna do it here?

DICK DELAURIER: Oh don’t call him that.

FIONA METZ: Why not? Oh yeah…right.

1..

2..

..!

Paige jumps for joy at ringside as Kincaid kicks out. But it may be all for not as Rockwell peels Kincaid off the mat and calls for the end. Rockwell shoots Kincaid into the ropes and on his return Kincaid slides through Ax’s legs. Kincaid kicks Rockwell in the back of the left knee and Rockwell is hobbled! Kincaid pulls him in and plants him with Infinite Crash (Fireman's Carry Michinoku Driver)! Kincaid scrambles into a cover and Rosser is there to make the count.

FIONA METZ: Another loss for the bastard son!

1..

2..

..!

DICK DELAURIER: Don’t be so sure!

Again Rockwell is able to kick out. Kincaid is not deterred. Kincaid puts some space between himself and Rockwell, gesturing for Rockwell to get up. When Rockwell does get to his feet Kincaid explodes from across the ring and hits a flying sit out lariat! Rockwell is floored and Kincaid immediately ascends to the top rope! Without hesitation Kincaid leaps off of the top rope and hits From On High! (Frog Splash)! Kincaid hooks the leg and Rosser makes the count.

1..

2..

..3!

BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here is your winner, "Infinite" Alex Kincaid!

"Sirius" by The Alan Parsons Project hits and Vivian Rosser raises Alex Kincaid’s hand. Alyssa Paige enters the ring to celebrate with Kincaid but he is preoccupied. Kincaid approaches his downed opponent and stands over him.

FIONA METZ: Oh what is this garbage?

DICK DELAURIER: I believe it’s called “sportsmanship”.

FIONA METZ: I believe it’s called “soft as baby shit”.

Kincaid extends his hand to Ax Rockwell. Rockwell is sitting on the mat dejected and doesn’t look primed to accept. Kincaid doesn’t relent and Rockwell takes Kincaid’s hand. The crowd pops for honor! Surprising for Vegas. Kincaid helps Rockwell up and they shake hands.

DICK DELAURIER: This is something that I love to see.

FIONA METZ: And THIS is something I love to see.

DICK DELAURIER: What are you – oh no…

With Alex Kincaid and Ax Rockwell distracted, three figures hit the ring! Destructoras have infiltrated the ring. Before Kincaid or Rockwell can do anything, they are attacked! Calavera clobbers Ax with a body avalanche as Craneo takes Kincaid down at the knee. Araña Oscura stalks Alyssa Paige and backs her into a corner as Oscura’s compatriots stomp away on Kincaid and Rockwell.

DICK DELAURIER: What is the meaning of this? These three have a match later!

FIONA METZ: They seem eager to show Vegas what they are all about.

DICK DELAURIER: They didn’t do that last week?

Craneo slips out of the ring and takes hold of a steel chair. Calavera keeps Rockwell down with a big running splash. Kincaid is up and darts over to Oscura in a vain attempt to protect Paige but Craneo slips into the ring behind him and cracks him in the back of the head with a chair, dropping him. Paige calls out for them to stop but Oscura grabs her by the chin.

ARAÑA OSCURA: Silencio ahora. Pronto terminará.

Rockwell is up on all fours but Craneo tosses the chair to Calavera and she smashes it over Rockwell’s back. Kincaid and Rockwell are down. Oscura turns her back to Paige in the corner and then leans up against her. Paige cowers in the corner, she can’t escape. Craneo takes a microphone and the crowd showers Destructoras with boos.

CRANEO: Este es un anuncio de servicio público. We are the daughters of Horado Basa, famed luchador. And while we do not share blood with him, he has shown us the correct path to the top of the professional wrestling world and we intend to walk it.

The fans boo. One can be heard screaming “FUCK BASA”!

CRANEO: Tonight we enter the first Trios Match in RAZOR Wrestling history and we will be victorious. This is our company, it does not belong to pendejos like Jahkay Miller, Jack McGrath, or Murder Ninja. Tonight Destructoras plant the flag of FLG and we show the world what we are made of. Our opponents are nothing. Nosotras somos todo.

Craneo spikes the microphone into the mat and gestures to her allies that it is time to go. Oscura gives Paige a kiss on the forehead and then follows her teammates out of the ring. Paige immediately moves to check on Kincaid as we cut to a commercial.


The scene opens with Mark Storm pacing around a section of the backstage area, running his fingers through his hair as the camera approaches him. He pauses, turning to the camera with his signature smirk plastering over his lips

MARK STORM: You wanna fight, Sergei? The gatekeeper of RAZOR Wrestling... THE MYSTIC TSAR!

Your Hero, and Mine, scoffs as he turns away from the camera in disgust.

MARK STORM: Understand this, the fight, this is all I know.

His blue eyes intensify as they pierce into the lens. He licks his dry lips, before opening them.

MARK STORM: Before I even became a professional wrestler I was fighting on the streets, trying to survive on the streets of New York. A kid from Brooklyn who was picked on and intimidated by others, until one day, that boy snapped and he never looked back. I had to become someone else, Sergei, something else.

Mark clenches his fist, nodding his head as he does.

MARK STORM: And what I became was my own protector, Your Hero, and Mine - my greatest strengths and weaknesses, I acknowledged and worked tirelessly on because this... is all I know.

He chuckles, almost manically, as he begins to pace again, his mind all over the place.

MARK STORM: The fight, the pain... the feeling of anguish, the feeling of failure... no, I don't expect this to be an easy bout, Sergei. Despite all your losses, you're still standing. And that in itself, it's admirable, because we all have to pay our dues in this sport. Through the losses, we learn and we grow and we become tougher for it. I've endured loss... I've lived it, don't you worry about that. I don't underestimate you, Sergei.

I'm just telling you, losing isn't an option. I don't intend to leave you standing. You wanna fight? I will bring you the fight and show you why I am the guy destined to be at the mountaintop of RAZOR Wrestling! The championships, the wins, the records, the acclaim - don't get it twisted, I still want it all, but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy the fight, no. The fight, that's what I live for. I challenge you to push me to my limits!

Mark points to the camera, directly addressing his opponent; 

MARK STORM: You say, death to all heroes... you say that RAZOR Wrestling isn't for Your Hero, or Mine. That 'Heroes exist to be torn down, to be sent into the fires of hell and forgotten' well... I've already died a thousand deaths, and I've come back stronger every time. Death, you can't use that on me, I don't fear death.. I've been there, in the depths of despair wondering if I'd ever come back... and each time, I did, like a phoenix from the ashes. Tonight, the hero ascends and you will fall.

The scene gradually fades out.

The fans were ready for more action as one of the newest RAZOR Wrestling signees made her first entrance. “Hell On Heels” by Pistol Annies plays as “Trailer Park Barbie” Daisy Duke comes out from behind the curtain trailed by her “BFF” Jamie Mayer. Duke ignores the fans and poses as Mayer takes pictures of her.

DICK DELAURIER: Daisy Duke makes her RAZOR Wrestling debut tonight. Metz, how do you feel about “Trailer Park Barbie”?

FIONA METZ: Listen to me when I say this – there is no one on the roster more suited to succeed in this company than Daisy Duke.

DICK DELAURIER: Why do you say that?

FIONA METZ: Because this place is fucking garbage and she is the Trailer Park Barbie. These people should love her but they won’t because she’s too real. She reminds them of what they are.

Duke enters the ring and is spoken to by referee Wes Eastman. Eastman’s words fall on deaf ears as Duke doesn’t even acknowledge him. "Money For Nothing" by Dire Straits hits and the arena takes on a peach lighting hue. “Prince Peach” Masaru Shinja comes through the curtain and he’s led by his Shiba Inu Bertrand on a leash. His manager Oh Tadao follows them and looks less than pleased.

FIONA METZ: He’s doing it. He’s bringing the dog to the ring.

DICK DELAURIER: Good thing we can’t afford pyro.

FIONA METZ: Or a stage elevator.

Shinja takes a leisurely stroll to the ring but Duke has no interest in waiting. “Trailer Park Barbie” slips through the ropes and runs up the ramp. Shinja sees her coming and hands Bertrand’s leash off to Tadao. Shinja ensures that Bertrand is safe and then turns to face Duke and is blasted with Slip And Slide (Soccer Slide Tackle). Bertrand barks and Duke barks back before grabbing Shinja to lead him back to the ring.

FIONA METZ: Daisy Duke is not a dog lover, it seems.

DICK DELAURIER: If that is true then she can’t be trusted.

FIONA METZ: What?

DICK DELAURIER: If you don’t like dogs then I don’t like you.

FIONA METZ: Damn, Dick. I thought we were supposed to be unbiased?

DICK DELAURIER: Who doesn’t like dogs?

Duke slides Shinja into the ring and follows behind him. Eastman asks Shinja if he is good to start and Shinja gives a nod. Shinja gets up to his knees and Duke annihilates him with a calf kick! Shinja gets up onto all fours and Duke jumps up to the top rope and then hits him with Delaware Destroyer (Guillotine Leg Drop)! Shinja is laid out and Duke covers.

FIONA METZ: Holy shit! This is gonna be the fastest win in RAZOR Wrestling thus far!

1..

2..

..3!

FIONA METZ: Holy shit! It is!

BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here is your winner, “Trailer Park Barbie” Daisy Duke!

“Hell On Heels” by Pistol Annies hits but Daisy Duke isn’t finished. She pounces on Shinja and starts hitting him with lefts and rights. Referee Wes Eastman tries to break it up but Duke refuses to let up. Shinja is able to roll out of the ring and Duke doesn’t pursue him.

DICK DELAURIER: Well if anyone was doubting Daisy Duke – they were wrong.

FIONA METZ: Complete annihilation! Looks like the Peach is rotten!

Duke stands and instructs Eastman to raise her hand – which he does. Jamie Mayer enters the ring and celebrates with Duke as Bertrand and Oh Tadao check on “Prince Peach”.


The RAZOR wrestling camera crews are frantically running down a hallway backstage, trying to catch up to some scene down the hallway. The viewers at home can hear it long before they every reach it. There's a frustrated, animal growl from one of the wrestlers and just as the camera can be brought up to bear a steel chairs goes whipping by and almost connects with the cameraman. Alex Kincaid looks anything but apologetic. After the attack earlier in the night, the Man they call Infinite can barely keep himself under control. He paces back and forth in front of the camera, but the words won't come. He whips around and slugs the wall behind him with another frustrated snarl before he twists back to the camera.

ALEX KINCAID: This was supposed to be DIFFERENT, don't you get it? I was supposed to be different! Destructoras, did you see what I said before the match? Did you hear what I said about getting the chance to fight Rockwell? I was smiling, I was happy, I was more excited for a wrestling match than I've been in months. Because this was it, this was me turning the corner. No more blood, no more guts, a fresh start to just go out there and be a wrestler and what do you do? What do you...WHAT DO YOU DO?

He explodes forward for a second, and the cameraman frantically rushes backward. Kincaid looks past the camera for a moment and his eyes narrow. He draws a sharp breath through his nose, trying desperately to compose himself before he crosses a line. He takes a second, nodding slowly and then looking back at the camera.

ALEX KINCAID: I just wanted to wrestle. Nothing has ever felt as right as being in the ring does. All you had to do was leave me alone, all you had to do was just let me go out there and do my thing. I could have been happy. I had to fight for that win. I had to earn it. That's the best kind. And then after, when I..when I'm in there with a man I respect and I shake his hand the rats crawl out from every corner of the ship. You attack us. You assault us. You go after this knee right here-

He points down at his left knee, with a heavy metal brace around it even now.

ALEX KINCAID: This knee that almost ended my career. And then you smack me in the back of the head with a chair. And maybe I can...maybe I could have forgiven that. Maybe. I know what the game is, I've been around. But you put your hands on my wife.

Kincaid stops. Dead. He glares into the camera. Were it possible to stare clean in through the wires in TV land and kill the trio of troublemakers he'd found himself in conflict with with a single glance he'd be coming awfully close. He clenches his jaw, then unclenches, his head lulls slightly to the side.

ALEX KINCAID: You put your hands on my wife.

The sentence is said a second time with just as much venom as the first, but with a side of disbelief. It's as though he can't believe that line has already been crossed.

ALEX KINCAID: You...You need to wrestle me next week. You have to. You want to attack Rockwell and I? Alright. Fine. Let's do this then. Make it happen. I say next week, you pick whatever two jackals you want and you get in there with Rockwell and I. I'm sure he wants the same kind of revenge I want. You listen to me and you listen well. When what happens next week, happens...when you meet the Kincaid that everyone else has already met. When you stand across the ring, and you look me in the eyes, and you start thinking "Oh...this is why everyone was worried about hiring this guy" I want you to remember that it was your own fault. I want you to remember I tried to be different. And all you did was make me stay the same.

He turns away from the camera and whips the door behind him open with such force it smacks into the wall behind it. He vanishes from view into the locker room. The cameraman makes the wise decision not to follow, as we are taken away to our next segment.

Intrepid RAZOR Wrestling Interviewer Brick Kind is in the parking lot of Bobby Shitake Arena. He is standing there frozen and it’s weird. Then a yellow VW Beetle pulls into the lot and comes to a stop. The driver doesn’t park it in a designated space because the driver is “Sour Power” PJ Lemon. She steps out of the car, slams the door shut, and approaches Kind.

PJ LEMON: Bricky were you just waiting out here for lil ol’ me?

BRICK KIND: When I don’t have scheduled interviews I have to just stand in the parking lot in case something happens.

PJ LEMON: You sure know how to flatter a girl.

Lemon notices that Kind appears nervous.

PJ LEMON: Bricky you’re shaking.

BRICK KIND: You make me nervous.

PJ LEMON: Why is that?

BRICK KIND: You’re scary.

PJ LEMON: Oh Bricky keep talking like that and I’m gonna marry you. This is Vegas after all. Well we’re both here, anything you want to ask me?

Lemon bats her eyelashes in obnoxious fashion.

BRICK KIND: Well, last week Hope Freya came to the ring after you defeated Zilpah Okelo in a Las Vegas Street Fight. You spit lemon juice into her face and escaped. How—

PJ LEMON: I did no such thing. I sneezed and Art School acted like I spit acid in her face. I get that she was upset about me attacking her two weeks ago but she came down to confront me after I won the most brutal match RAZOR has seen so far. What does that say about her? The cunt.

BRICK KIND: Uh well–

PJ LEMON: Rhetorical question, Bricky. You know, I don’t even need to be here tonight. I’m not booked. But a little birdy told me that Hanky has an announcement that involves me so I just had to stop by. And since I’m here I think I’ll join the commentary table for the main event. Considering that Dreamy got her pal Cazzie Omura a contract and they are gonna throw down, I think that the main event needs an unbiased voice. Don’t you?

BRICK KIND: I don’t—

PJ LEMON: Of course you agree. Let’s see what Dreamy and her pal get up to in the main event. If it gets boring I’m right there to make it more interesting. Sounds like a plan. Gotta say.

Lemon pats Kind on the head and then takes off into the arena. Kind watches Lemon enter the arena, he’s still shaking. The VW Beetle honks off screen, Lemon used the remote lock, and Kind nearly jumps out of his shoes.



We return from our commercial break and both competitors for our next contest are in the ring. Referee Kate McHale calls for the bell and gets the hell out of the way. Ivanov remains in his corner and chooses to step up on the second rope and sit on the top turnbuckle. Storm walks right up to him and slaps him in the face. Ivanov eats it and doesn’t flinch. Storm doesn’t take a single step back. They stare at each other. It’s tense.

DICK DELAURIER: Interesting start, to say the least.

FIONA METZ: Hot prediction here – these two are going to beat the fuck out of each other.

DICK DELAURIER: Yep I think you're right.

FIONA METZ: Don't agree. Then it's not a hot prediction!

DICK DELAURIER: My apologies.

Ivanov holds out his hand and invites Storm to slap him again. Storm scoffs and quickly takes hold of Ivanov’s left leg. Ivanov kicks Storm off with his free leg and hops down onto the canvas. Ivanov steps forward and goes for a clothesline but Storm catches his arm and tries to wrench it. Ivanov uses his strength to prevent that and he boots Storm in the gut. Ivanov grabs Storm’s head with both hands and delivers a massive headbutt.

FIONA METZ: I could hear that from here! Skull on skull!

Storm drops down to all fours and Ivanov lets out a maniacal laugh. The camera closes in on Storm and we see that “Your Hero, And Mine” is already busted open! Storm rubs his forehead with his hand and sees his own blood on his fingers. Storm looks up at Ivanov just in time to take a running knee to the face from “The Mystic Tsar”.

DICK DELAURIER: Sergei Ivanov has yet to record a victory in RAZOR Wrestling but I feel like we’ve yet to see him actually try.

FIONA METZ: Bingo.

Murphy shouts words of encouragement from ringside and that prompts Ivanov to start relentlessly stomping on Storm’s spine. Storm tries to crawl to the ropes but Ivanov switches his strategy and drops an elbow onto Storm’s lower back. Storm keeps reaching for the ropes so Ivanov pounces and applies a bulldog choke. Knowing that he was in deep trouble, Storm fights up to his feet. Ivanov can’t keep the hold applied and Storm hits a quick hip toss. Storm quickly cartwheels afterward, claps his hands and delivers a basement dropkick right into Ivanov’s face.

DICK DELAURIER: Mark Storm is new to RAZOR but he is no rookie. He has accolades all over the world.

FIONA METZ: So why is he in this dump?

DICK DELAURIER: You know why. There is something special about this place.

FIONA METZ: Hmm. At the risk of ruining my image – I agree.

The Vegas crowd cheers for Storm as he peels Ivanov off of the mat and then hits a quick succession of elbow strikes. Ivanov is staggered and Storm punctuates the combination with a discus forearm. Ivanov stumbles backward into the ropes, catching himself. Storm wipes the blood from his brow and then hits a hesitation dropkick that sends Ivanov over the top rope onto the apron.

DICK DELAURIER: What a shot from Mark Storm!

FIONA METZ: Ivanov isn’t a small man. That dropkick had some stank on it.

Storm wastes no time. He vaults over the top rope onto the apron but Ivanov meets him with a throat thrust. Ivanov pulls Storm into his clutches and quickly sends the crown of Storm’s head into the ring apron with Baba Yaga (Sit Out Tombstone)! Storm’s body falls down to the floor and Ivanov hangs onto the middle rope, remaining on the apron. Ivanov stares down at Storm with wide eyes.

FIONA METZ: That was gross. Storm might be dead.

DICK DELAURIER: I don’t think so.

FIONA METZ: But it would be par for the course in this place if he did die.

DICK DELAURIER: True.

Murphy watches on as Ivanov drops off the apron and stalks Storm. Storm is crawling toward the guard rail and he pulls himself up to a standing position. Ivanov just watches. Once Storm is up to a vertical base Ivanov rushes him but Storm is quick to react and he dumps Ivanov over the guardrail into the front row!

FIONA METZ: See RAZOR Wrestling live! Put your personal safety on the line!

Ivanov takes some time to stand but when he does he turns his attention to Storm just in time to see Storm step off the barricade and fly through the air with a missile dropkick right to Ivanov’s face! Ivanov crashes into a half dozen vacated seats as fans have scattered. Storm stands among the Vegas crowd and they celebrate him! Storm glances toward the ring and sees that referee McHale has decided not to count them out. Storm smirks and then grabs Ivanov. Ivanov tries to fight Storm off but Storm applies a front face lock and then lifts Ivanov up for a quick brainbuster on the concrete – but Ivanov counters at the last second and slips behind Storm. Ivanov hits Storm with a Russian leg sweep, sending the back of Storm’s head into the seat of a steel chair!

FIONA METZ: Imagine if he didn’t use a Russian leg sweep.

DICK DELAURIER: What do you mean?

FIONA METZ: It would be like if every Canadian didn’t use the Sharpshooter. Or hate the Leafs. Or like the Leafs.

DICK DELAURIER: What are you saying?

FIONA METZ: A lot of shit. Just watch the match.

“The Mystic Tsar” takes hold of Storm and dumps him over the barricade back into the ringside area. Before long Ivanov has Storm back in the ring. Storm is a bloody mess and his manager Murphy is starting to exhibit signs of concern. Ivanov calls out to Murphy in Russian and then delivers a vile knee to the back of Storm’s head. Storm rolls onto his back and Ivanov mounts him. Ivanov grabs Storm by the hair with one hand and starts punching him in the face with the other. Ivanov is trying to open the gash on Storm’s forehead up even more.

DICK DELAURIER: Ivanov is enjoying this.

FIONA METZ: So am I! Blood by the buckets, baby!

The crowd is quiet. Ivanov keeps feeding shots to Storm’s head and the latter is just getting bloodier and bloodier. Ivanov stands and examines the blood on his fist. He smiles. Storm starts to stand and Ivanov lets it happen. Storm refuses to quit. Ivanov approaches him and hits him with a knee to the face, sending blood flying through the air.

FIONA METZ: I’ll be honest, Dick – this is making me horny.

DICK DELAURIER: Please don’t say things like that.

FIONA METZ: I am who I am!

Ivanov shoots Storm into the ropes but Storm surprises Ivanov by springboarding off the second rope! Storm connects with Storm Search (Springboard Cutter)! Both men are down and the crowd in Las Vegas has come back to life! Murphy starts pounding his hands on the apron, trying to inspire Storm to get to his feet.

DICK DELAURIER: Gregory Murphy knows that this is his client’s opportunity. Storm needs to capitalize!

FIONA METZ: I feel like I bought a burner off Murphy one time.

“Your Hero, And Mine” is up, his face a crimson mask. Ivanov starts to get to his feet and Storm rushes him. Ivanov grabs Storm by the throat and then shoots him into the ropes. Storm comes back and surprises Ivanov with a slingblade! Vegas pops big! Ivanov is back up to his feet out of instinct. Storm hits him with a bicycle knee that stuns Ivanov down to one knee. Storm hits the ropes and hits a second bicycle knee, completing the One for All! combination. Storm collapses into a cover and McHale makes the count.

1..

2..

..!

FIONA METZ: I’m legitimately surprised.

“The Mystic Tsar” kicks out and Vegas can’t believe it. Storm doesn’t care, he gets back up and invites Ivanov to do the same. Storm goes for another slingblade but Ivanov side steps it and then blasts Storm with Leshy’s Test (Bicycle Kick)! Storm is hit so hard that he lands right on his neck and ends up face down on the canvas. Ivanov drops into a cover.

1..

2..

..!

DICK DELAURIER: Storm kicks out! How in the hell!

Storm gets his shoulder off the canvas at the last possible second. Ivanov shows a brief moment of disbelief before he returns to his attack. Murphy watches on closely as Ivanov peels Storm off of the mat and shoots him into the nearest corner. Ivanov follows that up with an attempt at a Stinger Splash but Storm moves out of the way. Ivanov’s head collides with the top of the ring post!

DICK DELAURIER: Huge opening for Mark Storm! Sergei Ivanov is stunned!

FIONA METZ: I’m stunned! I didn’t think this match was gonna be this good!

Ivanov staggers to the middle of the ring and the bloodied Storm puts on an absolute striking clinic! Kicks, elbows, palm strikes. Ivanov gets absolutely peppered for about thirty seconds. The Russian eats every shot but doesn’t drop. When Storm is spent, Ivanov tries to answer with an exhausted lariat but Storm ducks under it, grabs Ivanov’s arm from behind and delivers Storm Strike (Rainmaker)! Ivanov is flattened and Storm falls into a cover.

1..

2..

..3!

BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here is your winner, “Your Hero, And Mine” Mark Storm!

"Short Change Hero" by The Heavy cues up and Murphy rejoices at ringside! The song plays for about ten seconds before it sounds like someone unplugs the aux cable. The lights go out and the crowd is silenced–

Bobby Shitake Arena is in complete darkness for a few moments until the shot focuses on the only light source. It appears to be the entrance ramp and lining it on either side are various Jack-O'-Lanterns. When the fuck did those get put out there? No matter. Orange hued lighting takes over and a gigantic figure appears at the top of the ramp.

DICK DELAURIER: Oh no. I know what this is…

FIONA METZ: You know who this man is?

DICK DELAURIER: Unfortunately I do. That is no man. That’s something out of nightmares. That’s Samhain.

The seven foot figure, wearing an orange and black mask with a matching...costume starts lumbering to the ring. The lights come up slightly and we see that Samhain is dragging something. It’s a steel chain and at the end of it is a gravestone.

FIONA METZ: Oohhkay what the fuck? Is that a fucking tombstone?

DICK DELAURIER: It’s his tombstone.

FIONA METZ: I thought you said it wasn't a man.

DICK DELAURIER: It used to be.

FIONA METZ: …get the fuck out of here.

Samhain reaches the bottom of the ramp and the lights come back in full. In the ring, Sergei Ivanov has Mark Storm’s throat draped over the middle rope. Ivanov is making Storm look at Samhain. Storm’s manager Gregory Murphy doesn’t know what to do with himself, he is paralyzed by fear.

FIONA METZ: Okay if this is the kind of shit I'm gonna see by working here then I officially love my job.

Samhain advances but he doesn’t enter the ring, he approaches Murphy. Murphy begs off but Samhain isn’t hearing it. Storm calls out to his manager but it’s no use. Samhain grabs Murphy by the throat and lifts him off of the ground. Murphy’s feet dangle in the air and Storm is helpless.

FIONA METZ: Better call the paramedics!

DICK DELAURIER: They are always standing by.

FIONA METZ: Might need more than what we have...

Ivanov keeps Storm trapped in the ropes and makes him watch as Samhain pivots, holding Murphy high in the air by his throat. Ivanov shouts something in Russian and Samhain slams Murphy down onto the gravestone with a sit-out chokeslam! The crowd in Vegas gasps as Murphy's body is slammed into the concrete of the gravestone. Murphy lets out in agony and rolls off of the gravestone in immense pain, his body convulsing. Ivanov releases Storm for only a brief moment---

SERGEI IVANOV: No more heroes.

--before he hits Storm with a bicycle knee to the back of the head and we cut to a commercial break.


We return from the commercial break and we are in “The General” Hank Malone’s office. He has an ice pack pressed to his face and his assistant Sophie Whimm stands at his side with her trusty tablet – a step up from the clipboard she was carrying last week.

SOPHIE WHIMM: I understand that you were assaulted earlier Mr. Malone but we put out a press release that said you were going to make a big announcement at the top of tonight’s show…and you didn’t. We can’t not deliver on what we promise.

HANK MALONE: Card subject to change, darlin’.

SOPHIE WHIMM: Uh…that doesn’t really apply here. Are you still going to make the announcement?

HANK MALONE: Yeah, yeah I’m gonna do it. I would have done it earlier but The Doc demanded that I go an’ get checked out. This company walks a fine line, if we don’t listen to the medical staff then we could lose our permit to run shows.

SOPHIE WHIMM: I’m aware of that.

HANK MALONE: I know you are but I need to say that so the people watching this show know that the plot device that the writer used to build the drama makes sense.

SOPHIE WHIMM: ..what?

HANK MALONE: Nothing. I might be concussed. Anyway, I’ll wait until after the main event and then I’ll make the announcement. Don’t worry.

SOPHIE WHIMM: Okay good. There’s just one more thing…

Sophie looks to the doorway and a small figure enters the room – “Trailer Park Barbie” Daisy Duke. Malone is intrigued.

HANK MALONE: How can I help you, Ms. Duke?

DAISY DUKE: Listen here sweetheart, I showed up tonight, I won. In fact, I heard that I set the record for fastest win in RAZOR’s short history.

HANK MALONE: That’s true.

DAISY DUKE: So what do you have for me? What’s next?

HANK MALONE: What’s next is me icing my head until I have to go out and make my announcement. You impressed me tonight, you did. But the night is still young, you can still do more. You’re a smart girl, you go find a way to show me what is next for you.

Duke takes a moment to consider Malone’s words. She smiles and sends a wink The General’s way and then walks out of frame.

SOPHIE WHIMM: Was that a good idea?

HANK MALONE: I guess we’ll see.

The lounge of an upscale bar. The decor is rich with ornate pieces and high end furniture. Seated on a deep blue leather couch is “Sweet Talker” Zilpah Okelo. Her forehead is bandaged from the injuries that she suffered in her Las Vegas Street Fight last week against PJ Lemon but she has managed to make it fashion, the bandage is black and decorated with a variety of blue gems. Must be a nightmare to re-dress.

ZILPAH OKELO: I ain’t lookin’ so pretty right now, ah? Fuckin’ PJ Lemon. I wanted a fuckin’ fight and I got one. That sneaky little bitch cut me up good but I ain’t mad. I asked for it. And imma keep asking for it.

Okelo reaches forward and takes a martini glass in her hand. She relaxes back into the couch and takes a sip.

ZILPAH OKELO: This place is a war zone. They told me that’s how it was gon’ be when I got here and they weren’t lyin’. Thing is – I love it, I want more of it. Don’t care who it is. Don’t care how it happens. Sweet Talker ain’t goin’ nowhere.

Sweet Talker finishes the drink and inspects the glass, no doubt thinking about how it felt when it sliced into her skin last week. She smiles.

ZILPAH OKELO: As soon as Doc Kelly lets me back in the game it’s over for you bitches. I’m gonna be droppin’ every single body that comes my way. Bet on that shit and you’re gonna be a rich mother fucker. Till next.



We’re back from commercials and all six competitors are in the ring, ready to get our first ever Trios Match started. Jahkay Miller is set to start the match against Destructora’s Craneo. Referee Vivian Rosser calls for the bell and before Kano can do anything at all he is blind tagged by Murder Ninja. Kano is confused but Rosser forces him to get out of the ring.

DICK DELAURIER: It seems that Murder Ninja can’t wait to get started.

FIONA METZ: Can’t blame a man for taking charge!

Murder Ninja and Kano share a look long enough for Craneo to hit Ninja with a quick flying arm drag! Ninja tries to rally back but Craneo takes him down with another. Ninja sits up and Craneo blasts him in the face with a soccer kick!

FIONA METZ: Good thing RAZOR has a great dental plan.

DICK DELAURIER: Uh…I don’t think we do.

FIONA METZ: Well fuck.

Ninja gets back to his feet and he is pissed. Craneo is smiling and she shoots in for another arm drag but Ninja blasts her in the side with an enziguri! BANG!. Craneo is rocked and Ninja follows it up with a flying thrust kick that sends Craneo reeling into her own corner where Calavera tags herself in.

DICK DELAURIER: We’re going to get our first look at Calavera here. She is rather large for a luchadora.

FIONA METZ: Don’t body shame. Luchadoras come in all shapes and sizes. This one just happens to be the shape of a fridge.

DICK DELAURIER: That was far worse than what I said.

Ninja takes off toward Calavera looking for a leaping something but he runs right into a wall. Ninja lands on his back and rolls backward. He gets back up to his feet but Calavera grabs him and launches him toward his corner with a beale! Ninja scrambles back up to his feet but Kano tags himself back in. Turnabout is fair play or whatever the saying is.

DICK DELAURIER: I am starting to sense that these two aren’t exactly a cohesive unit.

FIONA METZ: Then you have Jack McGrath who is just happy to be here.

Kano darts across the ring and hits a low dropkick to Calavera’s left knee. The monster drops to one knee and Kano shoots behind her. Tries as he might, Kano can’t seem to get Calavera up for a German suplex. “The Bisexual Badass” switches his strategy when Calavera breaks his grip and he is able to CRACK her with a bicycle knee strike! Calavera stumbles backward into her corner where she makes the tag to her sister Araña Oscura! The rookie steps through the ropes and gets a small pop from the Vegas crowd.

DICK DELAURIER: Vegas seems to somewhat like Araña Oscura.

FIONA METZ: I think they just hate her the least.

DICK DELAURIER: Yeah that makes more sense.

Oscura immediately springboards across the ring and catches Kano in the mouth with a flying hook kick! Before Kano can register what happened, Oscura hits another springboard and takes Kano down with a dragonrana into a pin!

1..

2..!

Kano kicks out and staggers to his corner, tagging in Jack McGrath – despite Murder Ninja holding out his hand. Kano and Ninja have words on the apron as McGrath enters the contest. Oscura tries for a springboard crossbody but McGrath catches her! Uh oh. McGrath paces around the ring for a few seconds and then plants her into the canvas with a powerslam that shakes the ring on impact!

DICK DELAURIER: Jack McGrath with one of the biggest powerslams I’ve ever seen!

FIONA METZ: Guy isn’t half bad when he hasn’t had a pre-match forty hour bus ride.

DICK DELAURIER: Imagine that!

McGrath peels Oscura off the mat and she tries to fight out of his grip but he pops her with an uppercut. Oscura is knocked and McGrath pulls her into a half nelson suplex. Huge pop from the crowd because Oscura was absolutely tossed. Oscura rolls out of the ring and Craneo is back in the ring as the legal competitor.

DICK DELAURIER: We probably should have mentioned that RAZOR Wrestling observes lucha rules.

FIONA METZ: No one in the ring his wearing a mask.

DICK DELAURIER: It means that if the legal competitor from a team leaves the ring a teammate can enter the ring and become the legal competitor without a tag.

FIONA METZ: Oh Mexico what will you think up next?

Craneo darts across the ring and hits a front dropkick that sends McGrath hard into his corner. Kano tags back in and on entry he blasts Craneo with a hard forearm shot. Craneo recovers with a hook kick to the midsection and takes off for the ropes. She hits a springboard but Kano catches her out of mid-air with a cutter! He covers and referee Rosser makes the count.

1..

2..!

FIONA METZ: Not today Kano, you sexy bastard.

DICK DELAURIER: Try to remain professional.

FIONA METZ: I get paid to call it like it is!

DICK DELAURIER: HR will want to speak with you.

FIONA METZ: They usually do.

Calavera breaks up the count and Murder Ninja is back in the ring to meet her with a springboard front dropkick! Calavera is sent into the ropes but she catches herself. Ninja hits the opposing ropes and charges at her, taking her over the top rope to the outside with a wild crossbody! Both competitors land on the outside with a thud.

DICK DELAURIER: Murder Ninja is a mad man.

FIONA METZ: And this…surprises you?

Kano tags in McGrath and then applies a reverse waste lock. Kano shouts something to McGrath and McGrath acknowledges. Just as Kano starts to lift Craneo for a German suplex McGrath shoots off the ropes and blasts her with a lariat to complete the combination! Craneo is folded up and McGrath makes the cover!

DICK DELAURIER: There’s some tag team cohesiveness!

1..

2..

..!

FIONA METZ: And here comes an air strike!

At the last possible second Oscura comes flying in off the top rope with a double stomp to the back of McGrath’s head! Kano rushes Oscura but she hits him with a drop toe hold and he’s hung up on the middle rope! Oscura hits a quick 619 that takes Kano out! Craneo rolls out of the ring and Oscura is the legal competitor! McGrath advances on her but Oscura catches him with a head scissor takedown that sends him over the top rope to the floor.

DICK DELAURIER: For being so inexperienced, Araña Oscura is putting on quite the show!

Murder Ninja slides back into the ring. Calavera engages McGrath on the outside but he pushes off of the apron and drives her into the floor with a tornado DDT. In the ring Oscura sets Kano up for a Michinoku Driver but Kano slips out and blasts her with a Gamengiri! Craneo tries to get into the ring from the apron but Murder Ninja hits her with a springboard knee strike that sends her flying off the apron to the floor!

DICK DELAURIER: Another massive shot from Murder Ninja. This guy is in the air more often than not!

FIONA METZ: He likes to get high!

DICK DELAURIER: Oh that was weak, even for you.

FIONA METZ: It can’t all be gold, Dicky.

Kano measures Oscura and blasts her with Daybreaker (Shining Wizard)! Oscura is out! Kano is about to go for the cover when Murder Ninja grabs him from behind and sends him through the ropes to the outside. Kano lands with a thud and Vegas starts booing Ninja. He looks like he likes it!

DICK DELAURIER: Now what the hell was that?

FIONA METZ: Lucha rules baby!

Now the legal competitor for his team Ninja flashes a devious grin and hops up to the top rope. Within a split second he comes crashing down onto Oscura with Im-possible (630 Senton)! The fans don’t know what to think as Ninja makes a cover and screams at Rosser to make the count.

1..

2..

..3!

BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here are your winners; Jack McGrath, Jahkay Miller, & Murder Ninja!

"Suffa" by (hed) PE kicks up. Murder Ninja gets a mixed reaction from the crowd but he clearly doesn’t give a good shit about what Vegas thinks. Vivian Rosser waits for his partners to enter the ring before raising their hands—

Calavera drags Araña Oscura out of the ring and the two regroup with Craneo on the outside. Craneo says something to both of them and the trio disappear into the crowd.

DICK DELAURIER: Craneo knows that they could be easy targets for a revenge attack from Alex Kincaid and Ax Rockwell. A smart move to get the hell out of here.

FIONA METZ: Horado Basa is going to be pissed!

In the ring Murder Ninja demands that Vivian Rosser raise his hand and his hand alone. Jack McGrath goes to get in the ring when he is clobbered from behind! McGrath turns around to see that Daisy Duke has come through the crowd and targeted him! McGrath has only a second to register this before Duke mists him with pepper spray! McGrath drops to all fours and Duke hops up onto the apron before coming down onto him with a Delaware Destroyer (Guillotine Leg Drop)! Duke stands up and embraces the boos from Vegas before she disappears into the crowd.

DICK DELAURIER: Daisy Duke with a busy night tonight. I can’t believe she pepper sprayed him!

FIONA METZ: That’s what a girl’s gotta do when she is attacked.

DICK DELAURIER: She attacked him!

FIONA METZ: I didn’t see anything like that.

Murder Ninja is laughing at McGrath from the ring as the latter lays on the outside. But Jahkay Miller is back between the ropes and he is not happy. Kano spins Ninja around and gives him a shove. He can be heard asking “What the hell was that?” and Ninja just shrugs. Kano continues to try to get an answer and Ninja clearly doesn’t like being pressed about it so he spits in Kano’s face! Ninja quickly leaves the ring and is booed mercilessly by Vegas. He doesn’t give a shit. Time for a commercial break!


The Time Warp Cinema House right here in Las Vegas. On the marquee it reads “CUBE (1997)”. A Canadian horror classic. We move inside and the theater is empty, likely because it is falling apart. To call the floor sticky would be a massive understatement. But wait – it’s not empty. One person sits dead center in the middle row. Obnoxiously stuffing her face with stale popcorn is “Masutakira” Cazzie Omura.

CAZZIE OMURA: This popcorn sucks.

Omura notices the camera.

CAZZIE OMURA: Ah, we’re doing this now huh? Alright. Not like anyone else is here and not like I would care if there was. So here’s the skinny – I’m Cazzie Omura. I know that some of you are probably salty that I was brought into face Hope Freya on Episode #4 because you don't know who the shit I am but don’t worry I’m super good at the whole “kicking ass” thing. Like think about your favorite wrestler. Picture them. Got it? Good. I’m better than them.

Omura playfully tosses a handful of popcorn at the camera.

CAZZIE OMURA: Hope and I go way back. We came up together. She taught me about using five dollar words and I taught her about the magnificence of John Carpenter's The Thing. Fun times had by all. When she called me up and asked if I wanted to fight I jumped at the chance. Not the first time we've thrown hands. RAZOR Wrestling seems like a circus and I love the circus. Hope and I are gonna put on a clinic and I’m going to win but you folks are going to fully understand why they brought me in and why they call me “The Wickedest Witch”.

Omura leans into the lens and cups one hand around her mouth.

CAZZIE OMURA: (whispering) It’s because I’m kind of a jerk.

She winks.

CAZZIE OMURA: Okay good, we understand each other. Now slag off, I’m trying to enjoy this.

It’s tiiiiime for the main event. “Only Shallow” by My Bloody Valentine kicks up. The audience cheers as “Dreamweaver” Hope Freya sachées down to the ring. Vegas loves her, showering her with cheers and even some less than appropriate compliments. Freya swims in it as she enters the ring in her unique, fancy fashion.

DICK DELAURIER: Hope Freya looks to continue her unbeaten streak tonight in our main event as she takes on her friend “Masutakira” Cazzie Omura.

FIONA METZ: I thought she was called “The Wickedest Witch”?

DICK DELAURIER: She has many names.

FIONA METZ: I’m can't remember all of them. I won't.

The distorted tones of "Eat My Eyes" by Grave Babies cues up and “Masutakira” Cazzie Omura is out next. Vegas doesn’t know what to make of her as she walks down to the ring. Omura doesn’t try to get the audience fired up, she knows that she has to earn a response from them. Omura enters the ring and referee Diego Leach is ready to get things started when–

DICK DELAURIER: And to no one’s surprise…

“Sour Power” PJ Lemon walks out from behind the curtain and saunters to the ring. The audience in Bobby Shitake Arena give her hell but they should know by now that Lemon doesn’t care at all – she actually loves it. Lemon rounds the ring, not looking at either competitor within.

FIONA METZ: Wait…no…is she coming over here?

DICK DELAURIER: She did say that the main event needed an “unbiased voice”.

Lemon approaches the commentary table and picks up a set of headphones. She takes a seat beside Fiona Metz and they share a look.

FIONA METZ: I am so happy you’re here.

PJ LEMON: Why wouldn’t you be? Are you happy too, Dicky?

DICK DELAURIER: Absolutely thrilled.

The bell sounds and we’re ready to go. Freya and Omura lock up! Freya forces Omura into a headlock and then quickly spins around behind her opponent and applies a hammerlock! Omura drops her head and spins behind Freya to apply one of her own. Freya reaches over her shoulder and drops to her knees to take Omura over with a snapmare. Omura rolls through and takes off for the ropes.

DICK DELAURIER: Neither competitor has managed to gain an edge so far! They know each other’s every move!

PJ LEMON: Kinda makes ya wonder if they just plan to dance around the ring like cunts the whole match.

FIONA METZ: I was just thinking that. We're so in sync. 

Omura looks for a springboard moonsault but Freya sees it coming and pirouettes out of harm’s way. Omura lands on her feet and Freya goes for a side kick! Omura catches Freya’s boot and spins her around. Freya keeps spinning of her own accord and Omura attempts a side kick of her own! Freya catches Omura’s boot and tries to lift Omura up but “The Wickedest Witch” does a backflip and lands on her feet.

PJ LEMON: Blimey this is boring. What do you think Dicky, should I get in there and end this fuckin’ nonsense?

DICK DELAURIER: No. I do not think that you should

FIONA METZ: I’m all for it, PJ!

DICK DELAURIER: You’re ridiculous.

PJ LEMON: I think she’s perfect.

FIONA METZ: YOU DO!?

“Dreamweaver” smiles and then darts toward her opponent. Omura moves out of the way and guides Freya into the ropes. Freya comes charging back and slides through Omura’s legs. Freya pops up and BAM she hits Omura with a dropkick to the small of the back. Omura flies forward and spills through the ropes onto the apron.

DICK DELAURIER: Omura wasn’t fast enough to stop that shot from Dreamweaver.

PJ LEMON: I’d have seen that shit comin’, no problem.

Everyone in the audience is on their feet, cheering both competitors on! Freya tries to engage Omura but gets blasted with a forearm shot. Freya tries again but eats another forearm shot. Freya stumbles to the middle of the ring and Omura springboards into the ring and blasts Freya with Salem's Lot (Corkscrew Dropkick)! Freya is sent flying backward and she lands right on her neck. Omura dives into a stacked cover and Leach makes the count.

1..

2..!

PJ LEMON: Great. We aren’t done. Fuckin’ lovely.

Freya is able to kick out and Vegas rejoices. Omura hauls Freya up and shoots her into the furthest turnbuckle. Omura charges toward Freya in the corner but Freya steps up to the top rope and sails over Omura with a backflip! “Dreamweaver” lands on her feet and hits Omura with a second dropkick to the lower back. Omura collides with the corner and Freya puts her on the canvas with a quick roll up!

1..

2..!

DICK DELAURIER: Hope Freya nearly ended it.

PJ LEMON: Barely a fuckin’ two count, Dicky. Don’t cream yer jock, okay?

FIONA METZ: Yeah Dicky, don’t cream your jock!

DICK DELAURIER: I’m in Hell.

Omura kicks out and Freya elegantly swirls back up to her feet. Omura tries to meet her with a forearm smash but Freya catches her wrist, spins her around, and shoots her into the ropes! Omura dives forward with a handspring and comes back to plant Freya with Pet Cemetery (Handspring Stunner)!

PJ LEMON: Oh would you look at this coward shit.

Rather than risk getting pinned, Freya rolls out of the ring to the floor – right in front of the announce table. PJ Lemon stands and tries to get Freya’s attention but Freya is focussed on the task at hand. Omura looks for a flying crossbody to the outside but Freya dives out of the way. Omura has enough time to adjust and she lands on her feet but Freya steps off of the stairs, then the apron, and hits Omura with a Dream Sequence (Springboard Spike Poisonrana) on the floor! The crowd gasps!

PJ LEMON: Oi! Cunt! That’s what ya do to yer friends, eh? Not very fuckin’ nice, is it?

DICK DELAURIER: She wants to win, that can’t be overlooked.

PJ LEMON: If a friend of mine pulled that shit with me they’d be looking for new teeth. Gotta say.

DICK DELAURIER: You have friends?

FIONA METZ: I’m your friend PJ.

PJ LEMON: Only my friend? Fuck sakes, was hoping for more.

FIONA METZ: …

Dreamweaver gets Omura up but “The Wickedest Witch” is on ice skates. Freya slides Omura into the ring and follows. Omura does her best to stand but that Dream Sequence has her bell rung. Omura throws a wild kick that misses the mark and Freya answers with the Wash Over (Capoeira Kick)! Omura drops and Freya covers.

PJ LEMON: Oh I can do that. Not impressed, cunt!

DICK DELAURIER: You say that word quite a bit.

PJ LEMON: I’m an Aussie. Cunt.

1..

2..

..!

“Masutakira” kicks out at the very last second and that earns a collective “Ohhhh!” from Las Vegas. Both competitors are back up and Freya attempts a scorpion kick but Omura catches her boot and knees her in the face! Freya is rocked and she drops to a knee. Omura hops over her, pulls down her own elbow pad, and then uncorks the Desukatto (Hidden Blade)! Freya’s eyes roll back in her head and Omura covers.

PJ LEMON: She should call that the Donkey Punch.

DICK DELAURIER: It’s not a punch…

FIONA METZ: Semantics, Dicky!

1..

2..

..!

Freya manages to kick out and Vegas can’t believe it. Omura gathers Freya up and shoots her into the ropes. On Freya’s return Omura jumps up and leapfrogs over her. Omura turns around just in time to see Freya sailing through the air with Heavy Sigh (Springboard Corkscrew Cross Body)! Omura gets caught and she is down!

DICK DELAURIER: A beautiful Heavy Sigh! This could be it for Cazzie Omura!

PJ LEMON: Fuckin’ hope so. This has been a real snoozer.

FIONA METZ: Yeah. Wicked boring!

DICK DELAURIER: Not true at all. This has been a fantastic contest and a worthy main event.

PJ LEMON: Whatever you say, company man.

“Dreamweaver” measures Omura as the latter gets to her feet. Freya looks to hit Sleep Paralysis but Omura sees it coming and transitions into the Witchblade set up! Freya knows what’s coming and she knows how to counter – into a mousetrap pin! Omura valiantly tries to struggle out as Leach makes the count.

1..

2..

..3!

BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here is your winner, “Dreamweaver” Hope Freya!

“Only Shallow” by My Bloody Valentine kicks up. Cazzie Omura is up to a knee, shaking her head. Diego Leach raises Hope Freya’s hand and she takes a bow. Freya then turns to Omura and helps her to her feet. Unfortunately for them, PJ Lemon has left the commentary table and is up on the apron. Omura welcomes Lemon to get into the ring and fight but–


– “When The Levee Breaks” by Led Zeppelin cues up and “The General” Hank Malone comes out onto the stage. This is it, finally time for the big announcement! Hope Freya and Cazzie Omura turn their attention to the stage but are careful to keep an eye on PJ Lemon, lest she act like…herself.

HANK MALONE: I’m gonna make this little number short and sweet. Hopefully this time I ain’t interrupted by some jumped up Frenchman.

Crowd boos. Not sure if they are booing Pascal Gaudin or France in general but they are booing.

HANK MALONE: Here’s how it is – we need to establish just who is top dog around here. We gotta decide who is the person to beat, the best of the best. We need a RAZOR Wrestling World Champion.

The general reaction from Bobby Shitake Arena is "Fuck yeah!".

HANK MALONE: Now you might say that we aren’t a global company, how in the hell can we name a World Champion? If that’s you, then shut yer trap because it don’t matter to us. We are gonna decide a World Champion and we’re gonna do it next week!

Another pop. He's saying all the right things even if it's not happening tonight! Fantastic!

HANK MALONE: Hope Freya, PJ Lemon – y’all got the two best records in the company. Undefeated. So rather than go through a fuckin’ tournament that would just end up with you two in the finals we’re gonna skip all that. Next week in the main event it’s gonna be Hope Freya vs. PJ Lemon for the RAZOR Wrestling World Championship–

Milk it. Miiiiilk it.

HANK MALONE: – in a LADDER MATCH!

“When The Levee Breaks” kicks up again and we move to a shot of the ring. Omura has moved aside and Freya comes face to face with Lemon, who is still standing on the apron. It’s tense, at least it is until Lemon grabs Freya by the face and kisses her! Freya shoves Lemon off and Lemon happily drops down to the floor, laughing like a psycho. Lemon winks at Freya as the copyright information appears.That’s it, that’s all folks!