Only Fans

Last week on RAZOR Wrestling, the in-ring debut of Destructoras was derailed by the oddly successful mashup of Murder Ninja… and two other guys. One of those guys was moments from assured victory when the hero of our story - the man called Murder Ninja - pitched him from the ring and he stole the victory from his partner. Did he really steal something that belonged to him?

Ehhh…

Today, our hero is seated in a small studio with Maeve Seltzer, Social Media Manager of RAZOR Wrestling. She is putting together exclusive content for onlyfans.com/razorwrestling and–

[maeve] “Thanks for coming in today.”

[ninja] “No probs. What do you need?”

[maeve] “I am putting together exclusive content for onlyfans.com/razorwrestling.”

Hey. I just said that.

[ninja] “For real?!”

[maeve] “Yes. For real. RAZOR Wrestling has taken full advantage of the internet on various platforms such as Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Tout, PLEX, Hive, TikTok, Reddit, Vine, Cameo, Farmers Only, and - of course - Only Fans.”

[ninja] “Hold up. Did you say Farmers Only?”

Maeve checks her notes.

[maeve] “Oh. How did that get in there?”

[ninja] “You tell me. Actually, nevermind. Let’s just get this goin’. I’ve got a date.”

[maeve] “Oh, wonderful. How are you adjusting to life in Las Vegas?”

She presses record.

[ninja] “Life in Vegas is… everything. There’s never a dull moment. One moment I’m sweatin’ my dick off and droppin’ plates, the next I’m snortin’ coke off the ass of a cocktail waitress.”

She presses stop.

[maeve] “You can’t say that!”

[ninja] “What… waitress? Shit. Sorry. I forgot everyone is a waiter now. My baaad.”

[maeve] “No, it’s not – well, yes – but –”

[ninja] “I’ll tone it down. Scout’s honor.]

She presses record.

[maeve] “Tell me about your recent matches with RAZOR Wrestling.”

[ninja] “I slobberknocked a big hairy beast in my debut matches… and then I won a trios match in my second match. Not much to say there. The tale is in the tape or whatever.”

[maeve] “It appeared from an onlooker’s perspective like you turned on your team.”

[ninja] “I did what I had to do. I came to RAZOR Wrestling to do cool shit and carry on my family’s legacy as the best of the freakin’ best. I can’t do that if I’m holding dorks’ hands every week.”

[maeve] “Even after saving Jack McGrath along with Jahkay Miller from Destructoras the week prior –”

[ninja] “I wish people would stop with that narrative. I wasn’t saving anyone from anyone. I was roaming the rafters, as I’m known to do… and I found a harness lying around. I thought it’d be cool to just zip down and get on TV again. And it was cool. Everyone loved it. Then we all got a trios match out of it… and that was cool, too.”

[maeve] “What is your response to the claims that you stole the trios win from Jahkay Miller?”

[ninja] “Is it Jaykay or Zahkay? There was some clip where Dick Delaurier said his name was Zahkay.”

[maeve] “His name is Jaykay Miller. Some call him Kano. Some call him the Ringleader of Violence. Some call him the BiSexual Badass. Some call him the Psycho Sociopath. Some –”

[ninja] “I’m all for nicknames… but that one is just stupid. Look, I know who he is. I’ve seen him around. He’s just a dumb mark who is in way over his head. I’ve been in this business since the day I was born… and he just wandered into it. While he has so much to learn… I just don’t have the time to teach him. We’re only on this space rock for a short while… and we need to make the best of our time. My time is valuable to me… so I will give Jahkay maybe eight to ten minutes when we step between those ropes together. He’ll learn to know his role and shut his mouth. Then I’ll move on to the next obstacle, whatever or whomever that may be. I hear there’s a World Championship around –”

A knock at the door interrupts his train of thought. Maeve gets up from her seat and walks over, opening the door. Standing in the doorway is –

[ninja] “Babe!”

Her name is Joi, not Babe. Babe was a piglet from a book published forty years ago. Joi is a gorgeous Filipino model who has been dating our hero the last few weeks.

[joi] “Sorry to interrupt. Your phone has been blowing up. It’s your dad.”

[ninja] “I’ll call him back in a little –”

[joi] “He had a heart attack.”

Fade to red.