HAND PICKED LEMON [PJ LEMON]

Ever since I was a little girl I knew that I was going to beat Hope Freya to death in a ladder match for the RAZOR Wrestling World Championship in Las Vegas, Nevada on June 11th, 2023.

You might be taken aback by this fact. “But Lemon, how could you have known that before even knowing who Hope Freya is?” To that I say, “Shut up, cunt. I’m trying to tell a story.”

We don’t let facts get in the way of a good story.

When I was a young girl growing up in Sydney I spent my nights wide awake in my bed more often than not. It was so hard to fall asleep because when I did I knew I would dream about how I was going to murder Hope Freya. She, of course, tried to invade my dreams with her art school black magic in an effort to frighten me. But I didn’t listen. I knew that it was my destiny to beat Hope Freya to death in a ladder match for the RAZOR Wrestling World Championship in Las Vegas, Nevada on June 11th, 2023.

Dreamweaver’s efforts were useless against a powerful mind such as mine.

Gotta say, I found it very difficult to focus at school in my formative years. I would try to apply myself, I really would try. I wanted to focus on my studies of literature, and math, and science, and dodgeball but I was fixated on my destiny. It was impossible for me to think of anything else.

My mind didn’t have room.

I remember my sixth grade social studies teacher, Mrs. Lorem Ipsum, she said to me, “PJ you need to focus on learning our levels of government and stop thinking about how you are going to beat Hope Freya to death in a ladder match for the RAZOR Wrestling World Championship in Las Vegas, Nevada on June 11th, 2023.”

But I couldn’t! My ambition consumed me!

I could see it so clearly, even at such a young age. I was destined to complete this one task if nothing else. It had been with me for so long. I remember on September 11th, 2001 when I was only ten months old, my whole family was concerned with some building demolition in America and they didn’t even notice me say my first words. But I remember those words, I remember them as clear as day. Those words were “I’m going to beat Hope Freya to death in a ladder match for the RAZOR Wrestling World Championship in Las Vegas, Nevada on June 11th, 2023.”

I was the only one who heard those words.

This is what you are up against, Art School. I have been waiting for this since I was a wee baby. To you this is a fresh concept. You didn’t know that you were going to face me until last week. I’ve known since before the Patriot Act was written. We are not the same. This company has been built around me since its inception about a month ago. Hanky might not admit it but the strap that is going to be hanging above the ring was forged for me.

This company runs on Sour Power.

Let’s look at the facts! We have the same win/loss record. My first two wins were a cake walk. So were yours. My third victory was in a Las Vegas Street Fight against a certified badass named Zilpah Okelo. We tried to kill each other. I had to light speed some glass into her face to keep her down. Your third win was against your pal. I was ringside for that match and you both were pulling your punches – no doubt about it. I’m not a conspiracy theorist but my jet fuel melted a steel beam while you convinced the fans that your buddy was a WMD.

Chicanery of the highest order!

All jokes aside – I want this more than you. That’s what it fuckin’ comes down to. You are content dancing around the ring like an idiot but I fucking want this. This company was built for someone like me. I mean, I tried to set the founder of the company’s step son on fire in my first match and I didn’t get so much as a slap on the wrist. Pascal Gaudin punched the General Manager once and was suspended for two weeks.

Doesn’t add up, does it?

Molly Bones wants me to be the champion because I remind her of herself. Go look at her matches from the 80s and 90s. She was a gangster like me. That’s why there was no tournament, no battle royal, nothing like that. It was always going to be me against someone else one on one to name the first champion.

You just happen to be the most logical someone else.

I’ve beaten everyone else that poses a threat, save for maybe Mark Storm. But he is preoccupied with the Russian and his monster. Masaru Shinja is more concerned with his dog. I bodied Zilpah Okelo. Pascal Gaudin is suspended. Ax Rockwell is scared shitless of me. Destructoras are busy trying to prove their worth to their “Dad”. And don’t even get me started on the new crop like Jack McGrath, Murder Ninja, and Jahkay Miller.

You're the only "worthy" person with an empty dance card.

You don’t have it, Art School. You know it. I know it. Vegas knows it. This being a ladder match just makes it that much more obvious. You’re good, I’ll fuckin’ give ya that – but you aren’t me. You’re the better athlete, but I’m the better wrestler -- at least when it comes to how this company operates. I can’t do half the shit that you do but you don’t have the stomach to do the things that I do. That’s why I’m gonna be the first World Champion in this company’s history. You might come close, but there ain’t no way I’m losing this match.

It only ends one way…

…PJ Lemon beats Hope Freya to death in a ladder match for the RAZOR Wrestling World Championship in Las Vegas, Nevada on June 11th, 2023.

Gotta say.