RAZOR Wrestling Episode #5

Well shit, it’s Sunday already. Welcome to RAZOR Wrestling Episode #5. Modest pyro and extreme ballyhoo greets you inside Bobby Shitake Arena in Las Vegas, Nevada. The show starts with RAZOR Wrestling General Manager “The General” Hank Malone and he is in the ring with three other individuals, one of them is holding a black velvet bag that seems to have the shape of a championship belt. Probably isn’t that.

HANK MALONE: RAZOR Wrestling fans, how the hell are ya?

They cheer. Must mean that they are good.

HANK MALONE: Aw hell yeah. I’m here tonight with the co-founders of GRBG: A Streaming Platform, George Riggins and Barbara Gilory!

The fans kind of cheer. It’s awkward. Riggins and Gilory play to the fans but Vegas really doesn’t care. Feel bad for the other guy in the ring with them.

HANK MALONE: We are also joined her t’night by the owner of Sonam Lanka Event Rental Palace, Sonam Lanka Jr!

There is a collective “Who gives a shit?” reaction from the fans but Lanka waves to them anyway. Poor guy.

HANK MALONE: Before we get to the big announcement, I’d like you to join me in welcomin’ a very special lady – for the first time ever we are joined by the founder and president of RAZOR Wrestling…Molly Bones!

"Easy Lover" by Philip Bailey & Phil Collins cues up and the fans are intrigued. Like “The General” said, Bones has yet to appear on RAZOR Wrestling. The song continues playing and the President makes her way out onto the stage. She actually gets a pop!

DICK DELAURIER: There she is, the boss! I knew that she was here to present the World Championship to the winner of our main event but I didn’t think we’d see her at the top of the show!

FIONA METZ: I’m not usually a kiss ass but I love Molly. She’s a gangster.

Bones reaches the ring and Malone sits on the middle rope. She walks up the steps and enters the ring. Malone drops to a knee and hands her the microphone, which makes her smile. She takes the microphone and the music fades out.

MOLLY BONES: Thank you for that exquisite introduction, Hank. And thank you for the warm reception, Las Vegas. I am Molly Bones and I am thrilled to be here with all of you tonight.

A cheap pop. Bones showing that 80s knack for working a crowd.

MOLLY BONES: We are not out here in front of you all to talk about me. We are out here because the five of us have a wonderful announcement to make. I will now hand the floor over to our special guests George Riggins and Barbara Gilroy.

Bones steps aside and the founders of GRBG: A Streaming Platform stand front and center with microphones of their own.

GEORGE RIGGINS: I too would like to thank you for the warm reception, Las Vegas!

A tepid reception, at best.

GEORGE RIGGINS: I’m not gonna take up too much of your time because I know you want to get to some fine wrestling action!

Riggins pauses for cheers but he gets crickets. Nice try though.

BARBARA GILORY: When we made the deal to air RAZOR Wrestling on GRBG: A Streaming Platform we proposed a unique idea. To cement the partnership between our two companies we wanted to give something special to RAZOR and its fans.

Lanka takes a step forward and holds out the velvet bag.

GEORGE RIGGINS: We commissioned the finest championship belt maker in the world to create this..

Lanka opens the bag and reveals the GRBG Championship.

BARBARA GILORY: This is the GRBG Championship and it will be awarded to one lucky competitor next week. Every GRBG Championship match will be presented by one of our amazing sponsors in a unique stipulation match that compliments whichever company is presenting it!

The fans pop for that. Interesting concept.

GEORGE RIGGINS: Next week, the winner of Dana Dirk against Jake McGriff and the winner of Jocky Milner and Psycho Samurai will face off to determine the first ever GRBG Champion!

Shows how much this asshole watches the product. Malone does his best to stifle his laughter and Bones tries not to look embarrassed. Gilroy whispers something to Riggins and he goes beet red. She pats him on the back. It’s okay, idiot.

BARBARA GILORY: Sorry folks, he’s nervous. But he is right, the winners of those matches will face off next week in a match that will be presented by the Sonam Lanka Event Rental Palace! And here to tell you about the stipulation is Sonam Lanka Jr.!

The fans are fucking over this but some are eager to hear the stipulation.

SONAM LANKA JR: Thank you Mrs. Barbara. My name is Sonam Lanka Jr. and thirty years ago my father Sonam Lanka Sr…

Malone clears his throat and gives Lanka a “hurry up” gesture. Lanka nods.

SONAM LANKA JR: …next week the GRBG Championship Match will be presented by my company and the contest will be a Too Many Tables Match! The tables, of course, will be provided by Sonam Lanka's Event Rental Palace. The rules of the contest are simple: the competitor who puts their opponent through the most tables in a fifteen minute time span will be the first RAZOR Wrestling GRBG Champion!

The crowd pops because the stipulation sounds wild.

SONAM LANKA JR: Thank you, Las Vegas. We will see you next week for Too Many Tables!



Back from commercial break and we head right to the ring. New referee Zach Ebra has a tall task in front of him as he has to try to maintain order in this tornado tag team match. Luckily for him, he doesn’t have to worry about whether or not to disqualify anyone. He can’t!

DICK DELAURIER: Our first ever Tornado Tag Team Match, Metz. How do you feel about it?

FIONA METZ: How do they make the tornado?

DICK DELAURIER: You can’t be serious…

FIONA METZ: I don’t have it in me.

We take a quick look at what happened last week, paritcularly the part where Destructoras rushed the ring and destroyed both of these men and then put the fear of god into one Alyssa Paige.

Kincaid is up and darts over to Oscura in a vain attempt to protect Paige but Craneo slips into the ring behind him and cracks him in the back of the head with a chair, dropping him. Paige calls out for them to stop but Oscura grabs her by the chin.

ARAÑA OSCURA: Silencio ahora. Pronto terminará.

The action begins right away as Alex Kincaid charges across the ring and blasts Araña Oscura with a leaping European uppercut! Calavera tries to intercede but Kincaid kicks her in the midsection and plants her with a DDT! Vegas explodes for the house of fire who calls himself “Infinite”.

DICK DELAURIER: Alex Kincaid has vengeance on his mind tonight.

FIONA METZ: They didn’t even hurt his wife last week. He’s being a baby. He should sign up for Baby Fight Club, RAZOR ain’t for him.

Kincaid gathers Oscura up and shoots her across the ring right into Ax Rockwell’s clutches. “Fortunate Son” grabs Oscura and sends her crashing down to the mat with a falling tilt-a-whirl slam! At the same time, Calavera has slipped to the outside to try and recover but Kincaid doesn’t want to give her any time to do so. “Infinite” hits the opposing ropes and then shoots out of the ring like a bullet to take Calavera down with a suicide dive!

DICK DELAURIER: Alex Kincaid is bringing the fight to Destructoras! But with a No Disqualification environment, you have to wonder if Craneo is lying in wait somewhere.

FIONA METZ: I have it on good authority that she has other business tonight.

DICK DELAURIER: Is that right? How do you know?

FIONA METZ: I read the promos.

DICK DELAURIER: …read?

Oscura is shot into the ropes and on her return Rockwell hits her with a single knee facebreaker! Rockwell kicks her in the midsection and Oscura is doubled over. Rockwell attempts a powerbomb but Oscura throws her body backward and sends him stumbling toward the ropes with a head scissor takeover! Rockwell is hung up on the middle rope and Oscura looks for a 619 night but Kincaid catches her legs from the outside and yanks her out to the floor! Oscura lands with a thud and gets the wind knocked out of her.

FIONA METZ: Illegal move!

DICK DELAURIER: What do you mean?

FIONA METZ: You can’t do that to an illegal!

DICK DELAURIER: She is a U.S. citizen…

FIONA METZ: It was a joke, relax, I’m Mexican.

Calavera comes out of nowhere and blasts Rockwell with a chairshot to the head as he is still draped over the middle rope. Kincaid turns just in time to eat the top of the chair to the midsection. Calavara tattoos him with a chairshot to the spine and it drops Kincaid to all fours. Calavera then turns her attention to Alyssa Paige.

DICK DELAURIER: Oh no.

FIONA METZ: Listen, if you walk into the danger zone then you can’t be shocked when danger is home.

DICK DELAURIER: Fair enough, I guess.

Paige sees Calavera coming for her and tries to put some space between herself and her pursuer. But Oscura is back up and Paige backs right into her. Paige is trapped between both Destructoras when she hears a yell and darts out of the way! Rockwell comes over the top rope with the sloppiest plancha you’ve ever seen but he manages to take out both of his opponents!

DICK DELAURIER: Who knew that Rockwell had it in him!

Kincaid is up and he joins Rockwell in putting the boots to both Destructoras. Kincaid peels Calavera up off the floor but she shoves him away! Kincaid falls backward and catches himself on the timekeeper’s table but Calavera charges forward and spears Kincaid right into it! Both land in a heap and timekeeper Chuck Lock is knocked down as well!

FIONA METZ: Chuck! No!

“Fortunate Son” follows Oscura back into the ring. When he is through the ropes, Oscura hits him with a dropkick to the left knee. Rockwell is kneeling when Oscura hits him with a short hurricanranna that makes him face plant into the canvas. Oscura leaps up to the top rope and then sails through the air with a phoenix splash! Oscura hits it perfectly and makes the cover on Rockwell.

DICK DELAURIER: Araña Oscura could get the win here!

1..

2..!

FIONA METZ: I honestly thought she had it.

Rockwell is able to kickout and that’s the only good news for him. Calavera is back in the ring and she drops a running elbow right into his heart. His heart! Calavera stands Rockwell up and lifts him up for a spinebuster. Oscura makes for the ropes and hits a springboard flipping neckbreaker as Calavera drops Rockwell with the spinebuster! Rockwell is down again, as Paige tries to get Kincaid up on the outside. Oscura makes another cover.

1..

2..

..!

Rockwell just kicks out. Calavera is pissed, she shoves Oscura out of the way and she gets Rockwell up. Calavera is so focussed on Rockwell that she doesn’t see Kincaid fly into the ring. Oscura tries to meet him but Kincaid blasts her with Big Fat Kill (Superkick)! Calavera doesn’t have time to react because Kincaid hits her with a Big Fat Kill too! Vegas applauds “Infinite” as he gets Calavera up and tosses her over the top rope to the floor.

DICK DELAURIER: Alex Kincaid is a man on a mission here tonight.

FIONA METZ: He must defend his wife’s honor! Provided that she has some, I don’t know the woman.

Oscura stands up in a corner but Rockwell shoots across the ring and hits her with Sin City Splash (Stinger Splash)! Oscura stumbles to the middle of the ring and Rockwell tries to grab her from behind but she hits him with a sliced bread #2! Rockwell rolls out of the ring and Oscura shouts expletives at him but forgets about Kincaid!

DICK DELAURIER: Daddy’s home.

FIONA METZ: What the fuck?

Kincaid stands behind Oscura, fuming. She was the one who harassed his wife last week and tried to do it again tonight. Oscura turns around and walks right into Infinite Crash (Fireman's Carry Michinoku Driver)! Oscura is down and Kincaid climbs to the top rope. Calavera tries to get back into the ring. She is back up on the apron but Rockwell clubs her from behind and plants her into the floor with a powerbomb. Kincaid comes off of the top rope with From On High! (Frog Splash) and crashes down on Oscura. He hooks her leg and Ebra makes the count.

1..

2..

..3!

BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here are your winners, “Infinite” Alex Kincaid & “Fortunate Son” Ax Rockwell!

"Sirius" by The Alan Parsons Project cues up as Ax Rockwell enters the ring. Referee Zach Ebra raises the hands of Rockwell and Alex Kincaid but Kincaid doesn’t look satisfied. He moves toward Oscura, who is coughing – clearly rocked from that frog splash. Kincaid is about to grab Oscura when Rockwell intervenes. Rockwell tells Kincaid that it isn’t worth it and although Kincaid doesn’t agree he listens to his partner.
Your eyeballs are pleased by the arrival to the Bobby Shitake Arena of the man called Murder Ninja, mere moments before his match against Jahkay Miller. Walking alongside him is his partner Joi. As they walk away from his car and approach a security guard at the back entrance to the building, Murder Ninja tosses his keys to the man.

MURDER NINJA: Don't scratch it, pal. It's custom. 1993 Ford Taurus. They don't make 'em like that anymore.

SECURITY GUARD: I'm not a valet, and you're going to have to check in at the front gate. This door is for cast and crew only.

MURDER NINJA: Don't you know who the fuck I am?! I'm the Pastafarian Predator, the Anti-Social Socialist, the Ambidextrous Assassin, the Dude of All Dudes, the–

SECURITY GUARD: I don't care who you think you are. You're not getting in this door.

Murder Ninja pulls something unknown out of his pocket.

MURDER NINJA: Ninja… VANISH!!!

He tosses it to the ground and it's… not a smoke bomb. It's his wallet.

MURDER NINJA: Shiiiiiit. That would've been really cool if it–

SECURITY GUARD: Not really. Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to–

Joi steps between them and smiles.

JOI: It's fine, Ben. He's with me.

The guard looks Murder Ninja up and down.

SECURITY GUARD: This fool?! You're better than… this…

MURDER NINJA: Preach. That's what I keep saying but she won't listen.

JOI: Are we good?

SECURITY GUARD: Yeah. You're good. Have a good night.

MURDER NINJA: No doubt. I'm going to lambast this fool Kano tonight. Esketit!

The couple moves on into the arena and the door closes behind them. The security guard looks down and realizes he's still holding Murder Ninja’s keys.

SECURITY GUARD: Son of a bit–

Fade.

The first of two contests to decide who will compete for the GRBG Championship in Too Many Tables was up next. Both Jahkay “Kano” Miller and Murder Ninja are already in the ring when we get a look at what happened between the two of them last week.

Kano measures Oscura and blasts her with Daybreaker (Shining Wizard)! Oscura is out! Kano is about to go for the cover when Murder Ninja grabs him from behind and sends him through the ropes to the outside.

Now the legal competitor for his team Ninja flashes a devious grin and hops up to the top rope. Within a split second he comes crashing down onto Oscura with Im-possible (630 Senton)! The fans don’t know what to think as Ninja makes a cover and screams at Rosser to make the count. 1..2..3!

DICK DELAURIER: You have to think that Kano wants some payback.

FIONA METZ: That combined with a shot at the GRBG Championship on the line. High stakes! Higher than Murder Ninja likely is.

DICK DELAURIER: Are you suggesting that he’s inebriated.

FIONA METZ: Don’t be obtuse, Dick.

Back in the ring, Ninja points at the screen and laughs. Kano doesn’t seem to find this amusing.

MURDER NINJA: Still funny, a week later!

Kano snarls and darts across the ring but Ninja evades his attack and sends Kano into the corner. Kano leaps up to the second rope and comes back at Ninja with a cutter! Ninja is laid out flat, so he rolls out onto the apron. Kano meets him with a forearm shout attempt but Ninja drops and catches Kano in the side of the head with a gamengiri.

DICK DELAURIER: The winner of this contest will move of to face the winner of Daisy Duke and Jack McGrath in a Too Many Tables Match next week.

FIONA METZ: A Sonam Lanka Event Rental Palace presents Too Many Tables Match – you mean.

DICK DELAURIER: Of course. What a mouthful.

FIONA METZ: I always welcome an oration challenge.

Kano stumbles to the center of the ring and Ninja sails through the air with a springboard knee strike that catches his opponent in the side of the head. Ninja cracks Kano with an enziguiri and then hoists him up in a fireman’s carry, looking for Eff Ur Face (pumphandle lifted knee strike)!

FIONA METZ: We’re gonna find Kano’s head in the second row if Ninja hits this.

DICK DELAURIER: The staff here at Bobby Shitake Arena won’t like that. It’s always a morbid day when they find a severed head.

FIONA METZ: Fucking what?

Ninja pops Kano up but Kano shifts his weight and lands behind Ninja. Kano blasts Ninja in the small of the back with a knee strike and then pulls his opponent backward into a flowing German suplex that pops Las Vegas to the moon. Ninja bounces across the canvas and lets his momentum take him to the outside.

DICK DELAURIER: Kano with one of the damndest German suplexes I’ve ever seen!

Without hesitation, Kano darts across the ring and catches Ninja right in the face with a baseball slide. Ninja is sent reeling backward into the guard rail. Kano exits the ring, paces across the apron, and leaps off with a double ax handle that drops the drug fueled dynamo. Kano takes a bow and gets another big reaction from Las Vegas.

DICK DELAURIER: What is interesting about this match is that both of these competitors are undefeated. Someone’s streak will be broken tonight.

FIONA METZ: Gotta cultivate that momentum, baby.

DICK DELAURIER: That you do.

Referee Vivian Rosser starts a very slowly paced ten count. Kano peels Ninja up off the floor but Ninja catches him with a leaping knee strike to the chin. Ninja quickly takes Kano over with a quick snap suplex. Ninja takes a bow of his own and then climbs up onto the guard rail. The fans boo but Ninja is in his own world. He leaps off of the guardrail and comes crashing down on Kano with a diving double footstomp!

FIONA METZ: I’d call that the TSN Turning Point.

DICK DELAURIER: I don’t get the reference.

FIONA METZ: I grew up in Canada. Don’t let it trouble you.

The crowd is showing a great deal of concern for Kano. Why shouldn’t they? Guy probably has a few busted ribs. As Kano struggles for breath, Ninja gets him up and whips him hard into the guard rail. Rosser is at a count of seven when Ninja rolls into the ring to break it. He wags his finger in her face and then hits the ropes. Ninja comes back and leaps out of the ring with a tope con hiro but Kano lands at the last second and Ninja lands with a disgusting THUD.

DICK DELAURIER: I think I heard something crack.

FIONA METZ: Don’t say crack around Murder Ninja. He’ll think that you have some and he’ll follow you around like some kind of strung out puppy.

DICK DELAURIER: Like Wishbone?

FIONA METZ: YOU KNOW ABOUT WISHBONE?

It’s Murder Ninja who is struggling to breath as Kano gets him up and stuffs him into the ring. Once he’s back into the ring, Kano gives Ninja a few quick stomps before he stands him up. Following a stiff boot to the midsection, Kano gathers Ninja up and sends him into the canvas with Dr Jr Bomb (Gutwrench Powerbomb)! Ninja is laid out and Kano goes for the cover.

1..

2..!

DICK DELAURIER: Near fall for Kano! He was one second away from getting an opportunity to become the first GRBG Champion.

Ninja kicks out just after two. Vegas starts up a modest “Kano” chant as The Bisexual Badass feels the momentum flowing in his favor. How nice for him. Ninja scrambles up to his feet and takes refuge in a corner but Kano flies in with a running splash! Ninja moves out of the way at the last second and then hits Kano with a quick tilt–a–whirl headscissors takedown! Ninja dives into a cover.

1..

2..!

Kano kicks out just after two and the crowd is alive again. Ninja drives his boot into Kano’s stomach a few times before ascending to the top rope. Ninja calls out to Vegas and then looks for Corkscrewed (corkscrew senton bomb)! Kano moves out of the way at the last second and Ninja crashes and burns, shaking the canvas.

FIONA METZ: This guy is having trouble with his flight paths tonight.

DICK DELAURIER: Perhaps he would do well to clip his own wings for the time being.

FIONA METZ: Who is writing this shit?

DICK DELAURIER: I don’t know what that means, this is all off the top of my head.

Knowing that this is his chance for victory, Kano gets Ninja up and then drops him with Eat Shit (Ripcord Elbow)! Ninja is floored but he gets up to his knees in a daze. Kano flies in looking for Daybreaker (Shining Wizard) but Ninja ducks it, reaches back, and rolls Kano up! Rosser makes the count but her positioning hides the fact that Ninja has his feet on the middle rope for added leverage!

1..

2..

..3!

BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here is your winner, Murder Ninja!

"Suffa" by (hed) PE kicks up and Murder Ninja has his hand raised by referee Vivian Rosser. Kano can’t believe it. Ninja laughs as he backs away and spills out of the ring backwards, landing on his feet. Kano tries to plead his case to Rosser but she explains that she can’t call what she can’t see. Absurdity!
The scene opens with Your Hero, and Mine, standing in front of a RAZOR Wrestling logo'd backdrop. The bruises, scars and all still remain scattered across his forehead as his eyes fixate on the camera and his signature smirk plasters over his dry lips.

MARK STORM: Principles. I'm a man with a code of honor which I abide by... always have, always will, and those codes of conduct are never to be stretched or manipulated otherwise, I'm just like the rest of them.

He pauses, shaking his head sideways in disapproval before holding his hands up and continuing;

MARK STORM: I was emotional the last time you saw me it, it's true, I'm an emotional man, I can't help it. The fact is you did all of that shit to get to me and it worked, so congratulations, you ruffled my feathers and made my question my own capabilities, you made me question the man that I am and everything that I believe in...

Once again he pauses, shutting his eyes to calm himself. He lightly he chuckles as he reopens them, gazing back into the lens, cold and calculating.

MARK STORM: But even so, you've awoken something in me, that's strong enough to fight those doubts, fight those urges. I will fight my way out of this, just like I've fought my way out of everything life's thrown at me. I will keep on fighting, keep on going, no matter what obstacles are in my way. I'm very aware that a monster awaits me, ready to send me to the depths of hell, well like I said, I've already been there, buddy.

His remains stern as he pauses, running his fingers through his long blonde hair before continuing.

MARK STORM: Samhain says that I'm a liar, that I haven't really endured... you clearly don't know shit about me, Samhain, cause I was born in the depths of violence. From abusive home to abusive home, I've been fucked since the day I was conceived, Samhain,

I'm not not even supposed to be here! You fuckin' name it, I've been there, lived it all to tell the story. It's not a complicated task, I'm a simple man. In the that ring, I Strike to Kill and Samhain tonight I am going to strike you into oblivion.

Mark clenches his fist, nodding his head as he does.

MARK STORM: I'm here in RAZOR Wrestling to be the one. At the top of the mountaintop, the ultimate ace, and I know I'll have to go through a whole list of names to get there. But hell, I'll go through the biggest and toughest of them all first, you're all gonna get some all the same.

You're wildly mistaken Samhain, if you think all of this is going to send me away. Heroes don't run from their problems, they run towards them. And this notion of no more heroes... I'm still here, still standing, ready for a fucking fight. Gregory Murphy, will be redeemed, I promise you, Greg. I've got you.

Your Hero, and Mine points at the camera, directly speaking to Murphy watching from whatever hospital he's still cooked up at.

MARK STORM: And I spoke with The General, Samhain, the rules, they've been relaxed. You wanna go to war, chief? Hell, you've got one. And I'll send you straight back to hell whilst we're at it. From Your Hero, and Mine.

The scene gradually fades out.

We’re saying ‘Someone’ because their face has been digitally blurred from the broadcast. He’s wearing a pair of Raccoon ears and a ‘baby bjorn’ with a live raccoon in it who is not wearing raccoon ears because he already has raccoon ears because he is a raccoon.

OLLIE MAVERICK: Good evening Ladies, Gentleman, and Kyle. I am professional wrestler Ollie Maverick and very recently I have started living in a conversion van so I decided to start a travel vlog. Today, at the recommendation of my work associate and Cryptocurrency tycoon Rocky Trashington…

The racoon in the baby bjorn raises his head at the mention of his name but quickly loses interest to focus more on the garbage all around him.

OLLIE MAVERICK: I am here to do a park review of Trash Land. You ever see those Youtube videos where grown men and women are way too excited about Disneyland? Yeah, we’re doing that and let me say ‘impressed’ is one of the myriad of emotions that I feel along with ‘childlike wonder’, ‘queasy’, and ‘itchy’. It’s the only Theme Park I’ve ever been to with free souvenirs because I’m pretty sure I have lice now.

We cut to Ollie in line for what seems to be a classic Carnival ‘Scrambler’

OLLIE MAVERICK: Usually at theme parks you have teenagers operating the rides. Here, whomever is next in line pushes the start button.

Ollie says this before pressing a series of buttons and the scrambler kicks to life and we hear a bunch of screaming, one of the screams fading out as if someone has been flung from the ride.

OLLIE MAVERICK: Oh shit right uh….everyone else lower your safety bars. You….walk it off.

We cut to Ollie sitting in what appears to be a ‘food court’ in a loose sense.

OLLIE MAVERICK: I bought what I thought was a churro and ate it and my stomach got all upset so I asked someone what was up with the churros and they said ‘They don’t sell churros here’. What the fuck did I eat? 3 stars.

Ollie shifts the camera to point at a bathroom sign right beside the Food? Court.

OLLIE MAVERICK: The signs for directions to the washroom just have arrows that point everywhere… 2 Stars.

We cut to Ollie standing in front of a run-down mobile home people are lining up to go inside.

OLLIE MAVERICK: Attempting to capture a little bit of that Disney Magic, Trash Land has their own version of Haunted Mansion called the Haunted Double-Wide. There’s no special effects or anything so I asked why they called it that and a 15 year old with a smokers cough and name tag that said ‘eorge’ because the first G was missing said ‘Because like 9 people died in there’ in the same tone you might say ‘today is Thursday.’ Also apparently Walt Disney’s head is in there. It isn’t frozen, someone just dug him up. I saw a dead man’s severed head today.

An uncomfortable pause.

OLLIE MAVERICK: 4 Stars.

We cut to Ollie standing in front of a barely functioning Go-Kart with no visible seat belt or safety features. It has a hastily painted red ‘M’ on it and the engine is making so much noise that Ollie has to shout over it.

OLLIE MAVERICK: They advertised a 'Mario Kart' track as being ‘JUST LIKE UVINERSAL’ with a handwritten sign but it's just a pathway covered in rotting banana peels and a turtle with a blue shell but I'm pretty sure it's blue because he is incredibly sick. 3 point 5 stars. You can’t keep it, Rocky it’s part of the attraction."

Rocky sadly drops the banana peel he’s holding but his sadness quickly fades when Ollie hands him a Churro(?). A parkgoer approached Ollie and attempts to take a selfie with him but Ollie is quick to snatch their phone away and just throw it as hard as he can offscreen. We still have no explanation for why this individuals face is censored but apparently we are moving on to a parking lot where half of the cars look entirely rusted out and abandoned.

OLLIE MAVERICK: My one negative experience I have to warn you about is that if someone offers to park your car, please be warned there is no actual valet service and if the guy who tried to steal my van is alive and sees this then fuck you, you deserved everything I did to you. If he isn’t and anyone asks my name is Johnny Maverick. Never Relent or whatever.”

We cut back to Ollie out in the front gate.

OLLIE MAVERICK: Well overall I think I can say that of all the Theme Parks I have been to in my life, Trash Land is one of them…and I am also excited to announce that Trash Land has a new investor in the form of my manager Rocky! Trashington Enterprises is very excited about this business partnership and has all sorts of thrilling plans… and to start off, at the next RAZOR Wrestling show there will be a Trash Land Invitational Match! This match will be featuring all manner of exciting talent including…me! I will be making my Razor debut in this match! I am very excited! I’m going to take so much blood from people! They won’t like it but I’ll still do it and no one can stop me!

There is a long silence.

Because this is the theme tonight – vengeance – we preface this match with a little reminder of what went down last week when “Your Hero, And Mine” Mark Storm took on “The Mystic Tsar” Sergei Ivanov.

Ivanov keeps Storm trapped in the ropes and makes him watch as Samhain pivots, holding Murphy high in the air by his throat. Ivanov shouts something in Russian and Samhain slams Murphy down onto the gravestone with a sit-out chokeslam! The crowd in Vegas gasps as Murphy's body is slammed into the concrete of the gravestone. Murphy lets out in agony and rolls off of the gravestone in immense pain, his body convulsing. Ivanov releases Storm for only a brief moment---

SERGEI IVANOV: No more heroes.

--before he hits Storm with a bicycle knee to the back of the head and we cut to a commercial break.

DICK DELAURIER: Mark Storm is looking for some retribution here tonight for his manager and close friend Gregory Murphy.

FIONA METZ: He died right?

DICK DELAURIER: No but he is gravely injured.

FIONA METZ: Gravely? You’re fucked.

Mark Storm is already in the ring when the lights go out. “Night on Bald Mountain" by Modest Mussorgsky hits and smoke seeps through the grated floor of the stage along with an orange spotlight. At the top of the stage is Sergei Ivanov’s throne, with him seated upon it. Samhain stands to his left.

DICK DELAURIER: Fancying himself a Tsar, Sergei Ivanov is here to watch his monster take on Mark Storm. What Storm said earlier is true, “The General” Hank Malone has called for the rules to be “relaxed” in this match.

FIONA METZ: Oh so this is gonna be really chill.

DICK DELAURIER: I doubt it. Referee Wes Eastman is going to have his hands full.

Samhain stomps to the ring towing his gravestone-on-a-chain. When he reaches the bottom of the ramp he releases the chain. He enters the ring and his eyes don’t leave Storm for a second. Once Samhain has entered the ring, stepping over the top rope, Eastman calls for the bell. Storm rushes Samhain and hits a few quick kicks to Samhain’s thigh before the monster shoves him down to the mat with incredible force.

DICK DELAURIER: This is the first time we’ve seen Samhain in an actual contest. I don’t know how anyone, let alone Mark Storm, is going to take this monster down.

FIONA METZ: Perhaps he could reason with him?

DICK DELAURIER: I doubt that is on the table.

FIONA METZ: Shame.

Storm hurries back to his feet and charges Samhain again. Storm dodges a big boot attempt from “Hell’s Refuse” and darts behind him. Storm hits another quick kick to the back of Samhain’s left leg and then attempts a chop block but Samhain is surprisingly swift, getting out of the way. Storm throws a wild right hand but Samhain catches it under his armpit! The monster grabs Storm by the throat and then smashes his forehead into Storm’s!

DICK DELAURIER: That may have cracked Storm’s skull!

FIONA METZ: It did, I can see his brain!

DICK DELAURIER: I think that’s just blood.

FIONA METZ: Naw, homie is leakin' gray matter!

“Your Hero, And Mine” drops to his knees and the gash on his forehead from last week has been opened up again here tonight. Storm wipes the blood from his face but Samhain grabs him by the wrist and pulls him into a mammoth powerslam that shakes the ring. Vegas is silent, as their hero is being mauled on the mat by Samhain.

DICK DELAURIER: This is hard to watch. Mark Storm is getting absolutely dominated by Samhain here.

FIONA METZ: This is what I’m into so I’m having a ball.

Samhain dumps Storm over the top rope and follows him to the outside. Eastman can only watch, as he has strict orders from The General. Tough spot for the guy! On the outside, Samhain lifts storm up by the throat and launches him into the ringpost! Storm turns in midair, trying to brace for impact but his head collides with the steel and we get that horrific ping!

DICK DELAURIER: Shades of No Mercy!

FIONA METZ: What’s that?

DICK DELAURIER: Something that I shouldn’t talk about because I don’t think it’s canon.

FIONA METZ: The fuck is canon?

The hero is on his knees and he is bleeding buckets! Guy must need a transfusion every week, at this rate. Samhain is taking his time as he walks over to his weapon. He picks up the chain and wraps it around his fist. Storm tries to fight back but Samhain drills him with a straight shot to the face, coating Samhain’s fist in Storm’s blood. Some of the more positive fans try to start a chant for Storm but others seemingly feel like it’s of no use.

DICK DELAURIER: Vegas is trying their best to inspire Mark Storm but he is in a bad, bad way.

FIONA METZ: They should be stoked that we have a literal demon on the roster!

“Hell’s Refuse” takes the chain and starts wrapping it around Storm’s neck! Vegas boos this and that’s the loudest reaction they’ve given this match so far. Eastman tries to deter Samhain but the monster isn’t hearing it. With the chain around Storm’s neck, Samhain starts dragging Storm and the gravestone up the ramp. Ivanov watches on, hands on his knees and a devilish grin on his face.

DICK DELAURIER: What evil Ivanov has brought to our shores.

FIONA METZ: Take it easy Hemingway.

DICK DELAURIER: If a phrase is honest and true then it is good.

FIONA METZ: If a play-by-play man is pretentious and flowery then it is bad!

Samhain reaches the top of the ramp with his offering. Ivanov stands and applauds his monster as Storm struggles to breath, his blood soaked face is starting to turn purple where we can still see some skin. Samhain removes the chain at Ivanov’s request and then stands Storm up. Ivanov rakes his thumb across his own throat and Samhain grabs Storm by the throat. Just as Samhain lifts Storm off of his feet, he is hit from behind!

DICK DELAURIER: Backup has arrived! Strike 2 Kill is here!

FIONA METZ: This should be a disqualification! What the fuck?

Liam Richardson and Miles Watson hit Samhain from behind and then they go after Ivanov! Samhain looks to defend “The Mystic Tsar” but Gregory Murphy is here too, albeit very banged up! Samhain gets eyes on him and looks to finish what he started last week but Storm catches the monster with a dropkick to the back of the head that sends him reeling toward the edge of the stage!

FIONA METZ: Oh he’s not gonna fall off. No chance.

S2K fight Ivanov through the curtain and Vegas has come unglued! Murphy says some words of inspiration to Storm, who wipes the blood from his eyes and steels his nerves! Storm points at Samhain and then takes off running! Before Samhain can react, Storm catches him with a slingblade that takes both men off of the stage! They crash through a conveniently placed table and everyone in the building loses their minds!

FIONA METZ: Well would you look at that.

Somehow…(Palpatine has returned) and Mark Storm is up to his feet! Storm is a bloody, broken, mess but he finds the strength to grab that big bastard Samhain and lead him to the ring. Samhain hits a shot to Storm’s midsection but hero time throws him into the ringsteps head first! Samhain staggers backward and Storm threads his body into the ring in a Herculean show of strength. Great job, Mark!

DICK DELAURIER: That stage bump has given Mark Storm some room to work!

FIONA METZ: I thought stage bumps were a Neil Young thing?

DICK DELAURIER: But will this be Mark Storm’s Last Waltz?

FIONA METZ: I don’t even know what we’re doing anymore.

The hero grabs a steel chair and tosses it into the ring. I bet he intends on using it. Storm gets in the ring and Samhain is on all fours. Samhain reaches for the chair but Storm steps on it and kicks Samhain in the face for good measure. Storm picks up the chair and starts just wearing Samhain out with it via shots to the spine. After a good half dozen, Storm sets the chair up.

FIONA METZ: Some hero! This is villain shit!

In an incredible show of resilience, Samhain stands. But the bloodied Storm sees his opportunity. With his last droplet of strength he zips across the ring and hits the Storm Search (Springboard Cutter) and brings Samhain’s throat down onto the top edge of the backing! Samhain drops to the mat, kicking his legs like an infant that just had it’s larynx crushed. Storm falls into a cover and Eastman makes the count.

1..

2..

..3!

BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here is your winner, “Your Hero, And Mine” Mark Storm!

Samhain kicked out a microsecond after the three but he just started rolling around on the canvas, grasping at his throat. Mark Storm can barely stand, however, he finds the will to do so! What a guy! Wes Eastman raises Storm’s hand as Gregory Murphy gingerly enters the ring to celebrate with his client. Storm drops to a knee and gets a pat on the back from Murphy before we cut to commercial.Jahkay “Kano” Miller is in a hallway of the Bobby Shitake Arena following his loss to Murder Ninja, he seems upset and annoyed.

JAHKAY MILLER: Bro, so you need to cheat? Seriously. Against me? Well I don't blame you but thanks to you I finally realized what must be done. I finally know what I got to do to survive in a place like this. The only thing that will be the difference maker.

He sighs but ultimately he ends up chuckling.

JAHKAY MILLER: I don't need a tag partner, I don’t need a friend, I need…

You can hear giggling off screen.

JAHKAY MILLER: Come on now, I was gonna reveal you and you over here giggling in your little Ugg boots. Come on now.

??: It's too obvious, I think the fans know who you tryna reveal. Well the ones who follow your career will know.

JAHKAY MILLER: I know but come on now, it's gonna be epic.

??: Ugh, fine go ahead.

JAHKAY MILLER: Anyways. I need...my boyfriend.

Kano makes a heart with his hands and a man shorter than him, wearing a jean jacket and a shirt that reads “Insane Fortune” walks into frame. His red hair and feminine stature graces the screen. He looks at Jahkay and chuckles.

AROA RAMMA: My name is Aroa Ramma, and we issue a challenge to anyone on the roster to a tag match next week ‘cause together we are unstoppable. You see, we’ve won tag gold in different promotions so why not try to earn tag team gold here. I mean RAZOR Wrestling probably needs some more tag teams and it also needs some more…flare.

JAHKAY MILLER: That's right. After we do that open challenge, darling, can we solve this Murder Ninja problem? Since he likes to cheat.

AROA RAMMA: Oh certainly. Ninja, you wanna cheat and do that with my boo then you got a problem with me. So if you got any friends why not we settle this in a tag team match down the road. If you don't want to then I guess it proves our point.

JAHKAY MILLER: And that point is he don't want smoke.

AROA RAMMA: Nope.

JAHKAY MILLER: And this goes to all the Razor wrestling guys and gals. We are Insane Fortune because-

AROA RAMMA: I'm insane enough to be fortunate.

JAHKAY MILLER: And I'm fortunate enough to be insane.

AROA RAMMA: All Day.

JAHKAY MILLER: Everyday.

They pose and Aroa kisses Jahkay's cheek as Jahkay blushes.

We are back from the commercial break and the "Trailer Park Barbie" Daisy Duke waits in the ring with Jamie Mayer, her BFF. "Juggernaut" by Cave In erupts over the sound system, and Jack McGrath bursts onto the scene with a microphone in hand. Before he can speak, you guessed it, we get a quick look at what happened between these two last week.

Jack McGrath goes to get in the ring when he is clobbered from behind! McGrath turns around to see that Daisy Duke has come through the crowd and targeted him! McGrath has only a second to register this before Duke mists him with pepper spray! McGrath drops to all fours and Duke hops up onto the apron before coming down onto him with a Delaware Destroyer (Guillotine Leg Drop)! Duke stands up and embraces the boos from Vegas before she disappears into the crowd.

JACK MCGRATH: I'm going to make this to the fucking point. Daisy Duke, that cowardly act that you pulled last week had my blood boiling for the last seven days. You're a dead woman. This place is filled with trash, and you're the first piece that I'm going to obliterate.

McGrath slams the microphone down to the ground, and sprints towards the ring as the crowd shows their support.

FIONA METZ: A nuanced message from Jack McGrath, I wonder what it means?

McGrath slides into the ring and referee Kate McHale calls for the bell. Duke tries to meet McGrath and strike first but he fucking annihilates her with a lariat that turns her inside out. Vegas pops big and Mayer cries out in horror from ringside.

DICK DELAURIER: A massive lariat from Jack McGrath to start this match.

FIONA METZ: I think that sent Daisy Duke back in time.

DICK DELAURIER: Perhaps she would reconsider pepper spraying him.

FIONA METZ: …unlikely. In fact, I bet she'd like to do it again!

McGrath peels Duke off of the mat and tosses her into a corner. He looks to run in with a clothesline but Duke slips through the ropes and catches him with a poke to the eye. McHale allows it because…who knows? Duke hits a springboard crossbody from the apron and makes the early pin attempt.

1!

McGrath powers out immediately and Duke rolls back out onto the apron. McGrath advances and tries to grab her but she goes for another eye poke! This time McGrath grabs her by the wrist and brings her back into the ring the hard way. McGrath tries to grab her but Duke pulls McHale into the line of fire.

FIONA METZ: Smash her, Jack!

DICK DELAURIER: Why would you want that?

FIONA METZ: I enjoy conflict.

Duke reaches through McHales legs and punches McGrath right in the bean bag! I need to stop having McHale ref McGrath’s matches. The names are too similar. McGrath staggers back to a corner and Duke hits him with I95 (Corner Superkick)! McGrath staggers forward, right into a roll up from “Trailer Park Barbie”.

1..!

DICK DELAURIER: Daisy Duke is using the whole playbook tonight.

FIONA METZ: Written on a Sizzler receipt, no doubt.

McGrath kicks out again! And he is pissed, probably because of the damage to his testicals! McGrath advances on Duke but she pulls McHale in the way again. McGrath reaches over McHale and applies a front face lock and then suplexes Duke over the referee! What power! Those sessions at Stu Royd’s are paying dividends!

FIONA METZ: I’ve never seen that before.

DICK DELAURIER: I feel for Kate McHale tonight.

FIONA METZ: Yeah. She’s going through it.

Mayer has seen enough! She gets up onto the apron as McGrath rips Duke up off the canvas. McGrath sees Mayer on the apron and inspiration strikes. McGrath applies a half nelson and then launches her backward with a half nelson suplex right into Mayer – knocking her off the apron! Vegas loves it. I love it. You love it.

DICK DELAURIER: Goodbye Jamie Mayer!

FIONA METZ: She’ll be back. In POG form.

DICK DELAURIER: Perhaps...PAWG form?

FIONA METZ: Don't do that. Don't try to be current.

Duke rolls out to the floor because she is fucked. McGrath takes a moment to catch his breath and notices that Duke is sitting on the floor, beside the downed Mayer. Inspiration strikes again and McGrath steps out onto the apron. He points down at Duke and Vegas pops. They don’t know why, but they are excited! McGrath charges and leaps off of the apron and comes down with the Union Made lariat that just obliterates Duke.

DICK DELAURIER: Jack McGrath is fired up tonight. His first singles contest did not go his way but he is looking to change his fortune tonight.

FIONA METZ: It’s a bit much.

McGrath picks Duke up like a sack of taters and dumps her into the ring from the outside. McHale checks on Duke because the latter is seeing stars. McGrath enters the ring and Duke shoves the referee into a corner. Duke pulls something out of her tights and then unleashes a cloud into McGrath’s face. Pepper spray…again!

FIONA METZ: Oh my God! Unreal.

DICK DELAURIER: She did it again! The vixen!

FIONA METZ: Don’t call her that. She doesn’t know what it means.

McHale didn’t see what just happened and Duke has been given a moment of respite. McGrath is staggering around the ring, frantically trying to clear his eyes. Duke points and laughs but it is loud enough that McGrath knows where she is. Big mistake. McGrath darts in that general direction and hits Duke with a shoulder tackle that sends her flying into a corner.

DICK DELAURIER: Jack McGrath wants this victory tonight and it would send him to the GRBG Championship match next week against Murder Ninja!

FIONA METZ: Call it what it is. Use the proper name, we have sponsors to please.

DICK DELAURIER: What a contest!

The fans are cheering as McGrath finds Duke in the corner and starts hitting her with this Relentless combination of an obscene amount of chops. Duke is worn out and when McGrath is satisfied, he smashes her with a headbutt.

FIONA METZ: The amount of headbutts tonight is too damn high!

Duke has an arm draped over the top rope and that is the only thing keeping her on her feet. McGrath pulls her out of the corner, still unable to see, and he applies a front face lock. He waits just a moment for dramatic effect and then lifts Duke up with a stalling suplex. A few seconds later he drills her head into the mat with the Things Fall Apart (Vertical Drop Brainbuster). McGrath covers.

1..

2..

..3!

BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here is your winner, Jack McGrath!

"Juggernaut" by Cave In starts playing as the temporarily blind Jack McGrath has his hand raised by referee Kate McHale. But that isn’t the story, the story is a table being slid into the ring. The perpetrator rises up to show their face and it’s…
FIONA METZ: Why that’s Murder Ninja! What is he doing here?

DICK DELAURIER: Now who is being obtuse?

Ninja slides into the ring and clobbers McGrath from behind. The fans boo but Ninja doesn’t have time for that. He’s here to do damage. Ninja quickly sets up the table and targets McGrath. He tries to grab him but–

FIONA METZ: He can see! Kinda!

–-to the surprise of everyone, McGrath saw it coming. McGrath hits Ninja with a headbutt and within seconds he has the “Dude Of All Dudes” lifted up and brings him crashing down through the table with Things Fall Apart (Vertical Drop Brainbuster)! Vegas pops, big time! McGrath gets up, still struggling to see, but he holds up one finger.

DICK DELAURIER: That’s one! These two will meet next week in a Too Many Tables Match to crown the first ever GRBG Champion! Whoever–

FIONA METZ: Ahem.

DICK DELAURIER: Ugh. These two will meet next week in the Sonam Lanka Event Rental Palace presents Too Many Tables Match to crown the first ever GRBG Champion. Whoever puts their opponent through the most tables in fifteen minutes, wins. McGrath has one!

FIONA METZ: Doesn’t count till next week. Don’t be a dick.

DICK DELAURIER: It’s literally who I am.
A camera follows RAZOR President Molly Bones as she walks one of the many hallways of Bobby Shitake Arena. Personal assistant to Hank Malone, Sophie Whimm enters the frame looking trepidatious.

SOPHIE WHIMM: Hello Mrs. Bones, I was told to let you know that the main event is about to start so we will need you at Gorilla to make the championship presentation as soon as it’s over.

Molly looks Sophie up and down for a moment. It’s uncomfortable, mostly for Sophie. Bones’ expression doesn’t hint at how she feels at all. Ice cold. Gotta respect it.

MOLLY BONES: Of course. Thank you Sammy.

SOPHIE WHIMM: My name is actually–

MOLLY BONES: I’m just going to pop out for a quick cigarette. Do you smoke?

SOPHIE WHIMM: No I–

MOLLY BONES: Don’t start, darling. Nasty habit. I’ll be back in just a moment. Wait here, will you?

SOPHIE WHIMM: Of course. I can come–

MOLLY BONES: No, no. Second hand smoke and all that. You just wait right here.

Molly caresses Sophie’s face and then heads out the door, into the parking lot. Molly walks down some steps and pulls out her pack of cigarettes. After some time looking for a lighter, she sighs – she doesn’t have one.

??: Need a light, Molly?

The frame widens to show Craneo walking up to the President.

MOLLY BONES: I do. Thank you.

Craneo lights Molly’s cigarette for her. Molly takes a long drag and exhales with a satisfied sound.

MOLLY BONES: Who are you, then? Do you work for me?

CRANEO: I do. But I may not be working for you for much longer…

Molly takes another long drag off of her cigarette.

MOLLY BONES: You just lit my cigarette, darling. You’re on the payroll forever as far as I’m concerned.

CRANEO: Funny you should say that. Because you should be concerned.

Craneo whistles and some masked figures come out of the shadows! They swarm Molly, making her drop her cigarette. A black SUV speeds into the lot and stops with a squeal. Craneo opens the back door and the figures stuff Molly into the back seat. They all jump in with her and the SUV speeds away into the night. The camera zooms in on the cigarette as it rolls down the concrete and into a sewer grate.

It’s tiiime! We get a look at the ring and hanging above it is the RAZOR Wrestling World Championship. This being a ladder match, where to win you have to climb the ladder and snatch the title, it makes you wonder why Molly Bones was in the arena to “present” the title. Plot hole or conspiracy? You decide.

DICK DELAURIER: There it is, the newly minted RAZOR Wrestling World Championship.

FIONA METZ: How is it already a “world” title? Vegas is hardly the whole world.

DICK DELAURIER: Of all the things that we let slide by, this is where you draw the line?

FIONA METZ: I guess you’re right. Woo! World Title Match, baby!

“Only Shallow” by My Bloody Valentine kicks up and Bobby Shitake Arena falls under a purple and teal hue. “Dreamweaver” Hope Freya materializes on the stage and Vegas pops big. Dreamweaver paces down to the ring in a flowing and dancy manner, she’s hypnotizing everyone that watches her as she passes by the numerous ladders that lay on either side of the ramp. She enters the ring and stands under the dangling championship, but she doesn’t look up.

DICK DELAURIER: Hope Freya. Dreamweaver. First RAZOR Wrestling World Champion?

FIONA METZ: I think that someone would have some sour thoughts about that!

DICK DELAURIER: You aren’t even trying.

“Ballroom Blitz” by Sweet kicks up and Vegas instantly starts booing. “Sour Power” PJ Lemon walks out onto the stage and she is carrying something with both hands. She grins like a cheshire cat and holds the item high in the air.

DICK DELAURIER: …is that…

FIONA METZ: Yeah. That’s a grappling hook gun.

Lemon walks down the ramp and looks very pleased with herself. She enters the ring and doesn’t even look at Freya. Referee Diego Leach calls for the bell and we’re on. Lemon rushes toward Freya and tries to bash her in the head with the gun. Freya dips under it but Lemon catches her with a hook kick to the midsection! Freya drops to all fours and Lemon tries to fire the grappling hook into the air.

FIONA METZ: This is genius!

Before Lemon can pull the trigger Freya hits her with a shotgun dropkick to the chest! Lemon drops the gun and is sent flying into a corner. Lemon collides with the corner turnbuckles and the crowd pops big. Freya kicks the gun out of the ring and then slides under the ropes to collect a ladder.

DICK DELAURIER: Hope Freya doesn’t want to give PJ Lemon any time for any more tricks!

Freya takes hold of a ladder and places it on the apron. Lemon tries the classic “baseball slide into the ladder” spot but her legs slide right through the rungs! Freya grabs Lemon’s legs and pulls on them from the outside in some weird attempt at a Boston crab! Lemon fights out and Freya lets go, knowing that the hold was never going to do much damage.

FIONA METZ: Okay well not everything makes sense.

DICK DELAURIER: Everyone wants to create the next ringpost figure four.

Lemon gets to her feet in the ring and Freya slides the ladder into the ring under the bottom rope. Lemon lets Freya enter the ring and then rushes her. Freya catches Lemon with a scorpion kick that rattles her. Freya pulls Lemon in by the wrist and plants her on the ladder with a scoop slam. Freya performs a little dance and then hits the swirling elbow drop into Lemon as she lays prone on the ladder.

FIONA METZ: I feel like there is nothing new that can be done in a ladder match.

DICK DELAURIER: I agree. I’d hate to be writing this match.

FIONA METZ: Writing?

DICK DELAURIER: Nevermind.

Lemon lays on the canvas and Freya picks up the ladder. She tries to set it up but it’s already fucked up from the abuse it has sustained. This provides Lemon the opportunity to get to her feet with the grappling hook gun! Lemon fires it toward the title and…it doesn’t work at all. So Lemon goes for Plan B and she surprises Freya with the Applause Break (Leaping Superkick) that sends the ladder into Freya’s face!

FIONA METZ: Adapt to survive! Lemon’s original idea didn’t work but her backup plan did! That’s the mark of a champion! God, I love her.

Dreamweaver is down and Lemon sees her opportunity. Lemon positions the ladder beside Freya’s prone body and then grabs Freya’s left leg and sandwiches it between the two sides of the ladder. Lemon starts furiously stomping on the ladder, trying to crush Freya’s leg! The fans boo, Freya lets out in pain, and Lemon laughs maniacally.

DICK DELAURIER: As much as I don’t agree with Lemon’s tactics, this one makes a lot of sense.

FIONA METZ: Can’t climb if you can’t stand!

Instead of setting up the ladder and trying to climb it, Lemon rolls out of the ring. She starts searching under the ring apron and a collective gasp permeates the crowd as Lemon reappears with a table…and a can of gasoline. Lemon sets up the table and then goes for the gas can but Freya comes out of nowhere, sailing from the top rope with an Asai moonsault! Freya lands on Lemon, taking her down on the outside.

DICK DELAURIER: Hope Freya is pulling out all the stops!

FIONA METZ: I mean…if ever there was a time.

Out of instinct, Lemon is back up and she walks right into Sleep Paralysis (STO into a Koji Clutch) from Freya on the outside. “Dreamweaver” knows that a submission counts for nothing, so does Lemon – that’s why she taps out immediately. But the referee doesn’t have to break the hold and Freya knows that it is wearing Lemon down. Lemon passes out, or at least pretends to, and Freya breaks the hold.

DICK DELAURIER: Sleep Paralysis is one of the deadliest holds in RAZOR Wrestling. It may have just ended PJ Lemon’s championship dreams.

FIONA METZ: Yeah we’ll see.

“Dreamweaver” slides the ladder into the ring and moves to set it up – but her left leg is injured and she isn’t moving as quickly or gracefully as she normally does. This hindrance gives Lemon time to regroup. Freya starts setting up the ladder but Lemon doesn’t move to stop her, she grabs the gas can and pours the contents onto the table on the outside.

DICK DELAURIER: What is it with PJ Lemon and fire?

FIONA METZ: Doesn’t get much crazier than fire.

Lemon puts the gas can on the apron but someone appears, hopping over the barricade. Freya’s friend Cazzie Omura grabs the gas can and tosses it to the side. Lemon smiles and slides into the ring. At this point, the ladder is set up and Freya is climbing. Lemon grabs her bad leg but Freya catches her with a back kick right on the button. Lemon crumbles to the mat and Freya wastes no time, she leaps off of the ladder and hits Freya with Catch The Breeze (Top Rope 180 Knee Bomb)!

DICK DELAURIER: Oh my God! Hope Freya just risked it all!

FIONA METZ: But will it pay off? Remains to be seen.

Lemon is gasping for air on the mat but Freya is forced to deal with the consequences of that move. Freya grasps at her left leg, in complete agony. But Vegas cheers her on and Freya manages to get to her feet, using the ropes. Freya moves toward the ladder with Vegas and Omura cheering her on.

DICK DELAURIER: Cazzie Omura is here to support her friend!

FIONA METZ: Unfair! PJ Lemon has no friends, other than me.

Freya starts climbing but her bad leg is making the ladder wobble. Omura sees her friend struggling so she slides into the ring. Omura stands at the base of the ladder, supporting it. Omura and Freya share a look. Freya smiles and Omura does too – at first. But Omura’s smile changes to a frown.

DICK DELAURIER: Oh…no…

The crowd screams in protest as Omura uses all of her strength to lift the ladder up from the base. Freya tries to hang on but the ladder falls backward and Freya falls over the top rope and crashes through the flaming table on the outside! Omura stares down at Freya as members of the ring crew descend on her with fire extinguishers!

FIONA METZ: Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit!

Omura stands the ladder back up and gestures to it, looking at Lemon. Vegas boos as Lemon ascends the ladder, reaches the top, and claims the RAZOR Wrestling World Championship. Leach calls for the bell and the ring is instantly showered with garbage from the fans in the Bobby Shitake Arena.

BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here is your winner…and NEW RAZOR Wrestling World Champion, “Sour Power” PJ Lemon!

“Ballroom Blitz” by Sweet plays as PJ Lemon sits on top of the ladder with the RAZOR Wrestling World Championship over her shoulder. Hope Freya lays in a smoking heap, with Cazzie Omura looking down at her from the ring. Vegas is pissed. You’re pissed. That's it, that's all, folks!