RAZOR Wrestling Episode #6

We dang, is it Sunday already? The horrendously outdated RAZOR Wrestling signature plays and we’re inside the Bobby Shitake Arena. The crane camera passes over the raucous crowd and the shot transitions to show the announce desk.

DICK DELAURIER: Welcome wrestling fans to RAZOR Wrestling Episode #6. I am Dick Delaurier and I am joined by my broadcast colleague, Fiona Metz. Fiona, how is your stomach feeling? I know you had some bad Tom Yum Goong earlier.

FIONA METZ: I will have my vengeance on the Niran Khumpai Noodle House, in this life or the next. But I’m fine, aside from being pissed off about the Trash Land Invitational.

DICK DELAURIER: It is a shame. The Trash Land Invitational that was scheduled for this evening will not take place as Ollie Maverick has checked himself into a mental health facility. We wish him all the best.

FIONA METZ: I guess that means that the raccoon is gone for now too.

DICK DELAURIER: That is correct. Now I’m told that we are about to be joined by—

--- “Ballroom Blitz” by Sweet kicks up. Vegas is quite displeased, they erupt in a chorus of boos. As the music plays, we get a little look at the ending to our main event from last week.

Omura stands the ladder back up and gestures to it, looking at Lemon. Vegas boos as Lemon ascends the ladder, reaches the top, and claims the RAZOR Wrestling World Championship. Leach calls for the bell and the ring is instantly showered with garbage from the fans in the Bobby Shitake Arena.

BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here is your winner…and NEW RAZOR Wrestling World Champion, “Sour Power” PJ Lemon!

“Ballroom Blitz” by Sweet plays as PJ Lemon sits on top of the ladder with the RAZOR Wrestling World Championship over her shoulder. Hope Freya lays in a smoking heap, with Cazzie Omura looking down at her from the ring.

RAZOR World Champion, “Sour Power” PJ Lemon appears from behind the curtain. She steps out onto the stage and pops open an umbrella. She wears the World Championship like a bandolier as she skips down the ramp with the umbrella covering her head.

FIONA METZ: Praise be to our radiant World Champion!

Lemon enters the ring and produces her custom Lemon-head microphone and the music dies down. But the boos do not. In fact, the carry on for a good minute while Lemon waits to be heard.

PJ LEMON: Are ya finished, cunts? The longer you do that, the longer I’m gonna wait. Yas might as well shut the fuck up and let me speak so we can get on with the show, ya?

The boos surge louder but only for a few seconds. Vegas knows she’s right.

PJ LEMON: Now I know you cunts probably want to throw more trash at me but don’t bloody bother. I’ve got protection.

She twirls the umbrella.

PJ LEMON: And it’s not going to change a goddamn thing. I didn’t ask Cazzie Omura to come out and buttfuck her friend last week. But I’m also not mad about it. Because I’m the goddamn champion and their isn’t a furry fuckin’ thing any of you can do about it.

Lemon ducks under the umbrella, just in case of a projectile.

PJ LEMON: Gotta say, no one can really do anything about it. I’m top titty around here now. I mean, I always was but now it’s official. This title has made an honest woman out of me. Because when I won that match you all were forced to bloody recognize that I am no liar. I said I was going to be World Champion and here I fuckin’ stand, glittery gold and all.

“Sour Power” tables the microphone obnoxiously on the title belt.

PJ LEMON: I don’t caaaarrreeee who is coming for this next. All that matters is that I’m in first. It’s not gonna be Hope Freya because her smokey ass is laying in a burn unit somewhere. Probably cryin’. But whoever it is that comes next better know that I haven’t even begun to dig through my bag of tricks. So come correct or fuck yourself. Gotta say.

Lemon takes a bow and exits the ring, twirling the umbrella like the annoying shit she is

The first match of the evening sees the debuting “Bastard” Brogan Duffy take on “Prince Peach” Masaru Shinja, with Oh Tadao at his side. As soon as the bell rings, Duffy takes off across the ring and blasted Shinja with a big boot that turned the Japanese wrestler inside out. Shinja tried to rally back but Duffy forced him into a corner and pummeled him with big shots to the body.

DICK DELAURIER: The Irishman really came out swinging!

FIONA METZ: I hope this match isn’t as long as that bloated movie.

DICK DELAURIER: I liked it!

FIONA METZ: You would.

Duffy whips Shinja across the ring into a corner and follows it up with a brutal running European uppercut. Shinja is seeing stars. Duffy grabs Shinja by the wrist and pulls him into a massive lariat that sees Shinja do a complete backflip, landing on his face. Duffy immediately starts dropping some heavy boots to the back of the head. Referee Zach Ebra is watching close, knowing that he may have to call this match early.

FIONA METZ: Shinja is really getting the shit kicked out of him right now.

DICK DELAURIER: Prince Peach is being turned into pulp!

FIONA METZ: Oh come on now.

Ebra gets just a little too close and Duffy gets in his face. Ebra warns him that he will disqualify him but Duffy doesn’t care. Duffy spits on the mat at Ebra’s feet before turning his attention back to Shinja. But “Prince Peach” is up and he nails Duffy with a dropkick. Duffy falls back into the ropes but comes back with a massive Yakuza kick right to Shinja’s face. Vegas gives that shot an “Ooooooh” and Tadao looks very concerned at ringside.

FIONA METZ: Ebra needs to wrap this up. Shinja is gonna get brain damage. Like even worse brain damage than he already deals with.

DICK DELAURIER: I agree about maybe stopping this match aspect. He is getting absolutely decimated by Brogan Duffy.

“Bastard” stalks Shinja and once Shinja is up to his feet Duffy raises one fist to get Shinja’s attention and then smashes him in the face with the other. Little bop and bang. Shinja is staggered but Duffy grabs Shinja’s wrist and pulls him into a fireman’s carry and then plants him with a death valley driver in one fluid motion. Duffy covers and Ebra is there to make the count.

1..

2..!

Shinja shows life, kicking out at two. Duffy snarls and mounts Shinja, laying into him with rights and lefts as Shinja tries (and fails) to cover up. Sensing that Shinja was in danger, Tadao gets up on the apron and appears ready to throw in the towel. Shinja begs him not to, while getting hit with blow after blow. Ebra approaches Tadao and asks him kindly to get down off of the apron but Tadao is too concerned for his protege.

DICK DELAURIER: Throw in the towel Oh. Enough is enough.

FIONA METZ: Do it. It’ll be hilarious!

The distraction from Tadao ends up hurting Shinja more than helping him. Duffy sees his opportunity and slithers to a corner, where he grabs his father’s shillelagh! Shinja stands only to get cracked in the head with it by Duffy! Duffy then gathers Shinja up and plants him with Irish Goodbye (Package Piledriver)! Duffy covers and Ebra turns just in time to dive into the count.

1..

2..

..3!

BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here is your winner, “Bastard” Brogan Duffy!

"Never Fight a Man With a Perm" by Idles starts playing. Brogan Duffy has his hand raised by Referee Zach Ebra. Oh Tadao enters the ring to check on Masaru Shinja, who is bleeding from the top of the head. Duffy sees Tadao and gets an idea.

DICK DELAURIER: Oh no what is he thinking here?

Tadao doesn’t see Duffy approach and also fails to see Duffy point the shillelagh at the back of his head. Duffy winds up but Ebra grabs his arm and begs him not to. Duffy seems to briefly consider hitting Ebra with it. The audience boos and Duffy doesn’t care, he lowers his arm and exits the ring, having quite the impressive debut match.
In an office marked “The General”, Araña Oscura and Calavera of Destructoras stand in front of a desk. Assistant to the General Manager, Sophie Whimm stands off to the side with a tablet in her hand. Calavera blows her a kiss and Whimm makes a sour face in response. We hear a toilet flush, a sink run, and then a door off to the side opens and out steps RAZOR General Manager, Hank Malone. He takes a seat behind his desk and puts his feet up.

HANK MALONE: So. Where the fuck is she?

CALAVERA: You need to be more specific. “She” could refer to anyone.

HANK MALONE: Listen, I’ve been in the game a long damn time and I ain’t got time for bullshit. Your little pal Craneo abducted the owner of this company, Molly Bones, last week. We all fuckin’ saw it and–

CALAVERA: –and you didn’t do anything about it.

Malone snarls.

HANK MALONE: I'm doin' somethin' about it now. We all fuckin’ saw Craneo snatch Molly and she ain’t been heard from since.

ARAÑA OSCURA: Generalissimo we did not do this. Craneo acted alone. We had a match last week, you can see by the tape that we were not involved. We had no knowledge then, we have none now.

HANK MALONE: Is that right? Sophie, if you’d be so kind, darlin’.

Sophie taps on her tablet and a small screen next to Malone’s desk comes to life and a video starts playing.

CALAVERA: ¿No podía permitirse algo más grande? Ridículo.

Oscura chuckles. The two luchadoras lean it to get a better view.

The screen shows a grainy video and there is Molly Bones, seated on a dirty old couch in a nondescript room. In her lap there is a piece of paper that reads, ”Estoy bien.”, which is probably not the case considering that the president is bound and gagged. The video cuts off.

CALAVERA: It looks like she is fine, Generalissimo. I would not worry.

HANK MALONE: Yeah well worryin’ is in my nature. So I guess I’m gon’ have to go on down to Guadalajara and pay yer boss a visit then, since you two don’t know anything.

CALAVERA: Adelante cabron, sera tu funeral.

HANK MALONE: I don’t think so. I know Horado Basa, we’ve tangled in the past. If he wanted to deal with us, he could have come up here himself instead of hiding down in that piss soaked gym of his.

Calavera grinds her teeth but doesn’t make a move.

HANK MALONE: You tell Víbora Verde that I’m comin’ down. If Molly has been harmed in any way, then I’m gonna bury him under that shit hole of his.

Calavera scoffs. She and Oscura leave The General’s office, slamming the door on the way out. Malone sighs and looks over at the frozen image of Molly’s face on the screen. It’s funny, she doesn’t look scared at all.

In the ring, and it is time for the debut of Persona Non Grata. His manager, the furry Ewok like creature Mestizo is up on the apron. Referee Vivian Rosser tries to shoo him away and almost gets bit. Zilpah Okelo, in her first match back since facing PJ Lemon in a Las Vegas Street Fight, is in no mood for games. Okelo can be heard yelling, “Get that fuckin’ Furby out of here.” but PNG doesn’t respond.

FIONA METZ: Okay so what the fuck is that thing?

DICK DELAURIER: I believe it is Persona Non Grata’s…pet? Associate?

FIONA METZ: I fucking want one.

Okelo marches across the ring and gets in PNG’s face, talking all sorts of trash. Okelo is saying some heinous shit, I assume, but it has no effect. Okelo switches her strategy and goes for a lock up but PNG comes to life and launches Okelo across the ring with a beale! Okelo smashes into the corner and lands on the top of her head. The crowd is in awe.

FIONA METZ: Mission control, we have lift off.

DICK DELAURIER: I think Okelo has a problem, Houston.

FIONA METZ: Yeah this is gonna end up with Okelo playing the role of Challenger but not the kind that she wants to be.

DICK DELAURIER: Poor taste.

PNG is right after Okelo, keeping her grounded with a wild variation of punches and kicks. Once satisfied, PNG peels her off of the canvas and then hits an atomic drop! Okelo stumbles to the ropes and catches herself and then turns right into a massive lariat that sends her over the top rope to the floor.

DICK DELAURIER: A dominant performance from PNG so far.

Mestizo is there waiting for her. The munchkin from Hell approaches but then starts breakdancing, as if to say that Okelo isn’t worth the trouble. Okelo stands and readies herself to punt Mestizo but PNG reaches over the top rope and grabs her by the head. He yanks her up onto the apron and then brings her into the ring the hard way.

FIONA METZ: Okelo is being swayed by the power of the furball goblin!

DICK DELAURIER: I think it’s more of a case of PNG destroying her.

FIONA METZ: Bit of both? Bit of both.

PNG takes a few step backwards and then brings down a diving knee drop onto Okelo’s head. Knowing that she was in deep water now, Okelo scrambles back up to her feet only to get floored with another lariat. PNG drops into the first cover of the contest and Rosser starts the count.

1..

2..!

Fighting spirit! It’s gonna take a lot more than that to keep the “Sweet Talker” down for three. PNG hits a few glancing blows to Okelo’s face and then tears her up off the mat again. PNG goes for a second beale but at the last moment Okelo shifts her wait and takes PNG down with an arm drag! PNG is back up quickly but he gets hit with a superkick that sends him reeling toward the ropes!

DICK DELAURIER: Zilpah Okelo has some life! She needs to keep the pressure on!

FIONA METZ: I certainly hope she doesn’t make some kind of gigantic mistake!

Okelo measures PNG and charges toward him. She leaps into the air looking for a thrust kick but PNG grabs her leg and swings her like a baseball bat into the corner! Okelo slams into the turnbuckles and the crowd can’t believe the show of strength from PNG! Okelo’s eyes roll back in her head as PNG advances like some non-giving up…guy.

DICK DELAURIER: That was quite the counter. I’ve never seen anything like that.

FIONA METZ: They call that the Wizard Of Oz Defense.

DICK DELAURIER: No they don’t.

FIONA METZ: The Paxton-Hunt Defense?

DICK DELAURIER: Again, no.

FIONA METZ: It was like a tornado is what I’m saying!

PNG measures Okelo and then smokes her with an uppercut to the jaw, then follows that up with a massive elbow to the face, a kick to the arm, and finally a sweep kick to complete the Sadistic Combo. Okelo is rattled and PNG pulls her into Sacrificio (Crucifix Cutter). Mestizo is up on the apron, laying and watching, as PNG makes the cover.

1..

2..

..3!

BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here is your winner, Persona Non Grata!

"Sadeness Pt.1" by Enigma cues up. Referee Vivian Rosser raises Persona Non Grata’s hand as Mestizo enters the ring and starts sniffing around Zilpah Okelo, who hasn’t moved since eating that Sacrificio.

FIONA METZ: Is this thing going to eat her? Because if so, proceed.

PNG lifts Mestizo up by the collar (I guess?) and carries him out of the ring. The night’s work is done for these two.
Outside of the Bobby Shitake Arena, the man called Murder Ninja is standing in the loading area. He looks frustrated as heck, pacing back and forth. He notices the camera on him.

MURDER NINJA: Today of all days, man! Tonight is the night I ascend to the throne and there's no tables! Too MANY tables?! The only one I've seen so far was a massage table! And there was no happy ending! What a–

BEEP BEEP BEEP!

He stops, noticing the massive box truck backing up. The back of the truck reads: Sonam Lanka's Event Rental Palace.

MURDER NINJA: Well shitfire! They made it!

Once the truck parks, two men get out of the cab. The passenger hands him a clipboard while the driver opens the back door of the truck.

PASSENGER: Sign here.

Murder Ninja signs on the line. The man looks confused.

PASSENGER: Your real name is… Murder… Ninja?

MURDER NINJA: My real name is none of your business.

The man shrugs and goes about his business. Murder Ninja looks in awe as too many tables are unloaded from the box truck with a forklift.

MURDER NINJA: Oh… my…

A devilishly excited smile possesses his face as the scene fades back inside of the arena.

Tag team action, baby. We get our first look at the team of Jahkay “Kano” Miller and Aroa Ramma, Insane Fortune. Both teams are in the ring with Kano and Araña Oscura starting for their respective teams. Ramma catches Oscura with a spin kick and shoots her into the ropes. Ramma ducks his head, looking for a back body drop, but Oscura front flips over him and catches him with a hook kick to the mouth.

DICK DELAURIER: Insane Fortune have a tall task ahead of them. Going up against a team that are siblings is daunting.

FIONA METZ: I mean I like Destructoras but they, like, never win.

DICK DELAURIER: Tonight could be their night!

Oscura takes Ramma to the mat with an arm drag, maintains wrist control, then tags in her sister Calavera. Destructors shoot Ramma into a corner, then Calavera shoots Oscura in who uses that added momentum to his Ramma with a dropkick. Oscura leads Ramma out of the corner right into a powerslam from Calavera, who quickly makes a cover.

1..

2.!

DICK DELAURIER: Aroa Ramma is not having a great first night here.

Ramma kicks out quickly after two but eats a shot from Calavera. The largest member of Destructoras shoots Ramma into the ropes but Ramma is much quicker and he is able to surprise Calavera with a tornado ddt! Ramma makes the tag to Kano, who climbs to the top rope! Kano goes for a moonsault but Calavera rolls out of the way.

FIONA METZ: That’s probably why Kano doesn’t go up to the top rope that often. He sucks at it.

DICK DELAURIER: Calavera has that luchadora ring IQ. She knew what to do.

FIONA METZ: You mean…move?

Calavera makes the tag to Oscura and then haul Kano off the canvas. Calavera holds Kano up for an atomic drop as Oscura takes off for the ropes. She hits a springboard and Destructoras plant Kano with a modified Hart Attack! Oscura covers.

1..

2..!

Ramma is in the ring to break up the count. Calavera goes after him but but he lowbridges the top rope and she falls to the outside. Ramma hits Oscura with a springboard forearm and then calls out to Kano. Kano hits Oscura with Daybreaker (Shining Wizard) and then Ramma hits the Roller Coaster (Springboard 450). Ramma gets out of the way so Kano can make the cover and referee Wes Eastman makes the count!

1..

2..

..3!

BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here are your winners, Jahkay “Kano” Miller and Aroa Ramma - Insane Fortune!

"Trophies Of Violence" By While She Sleeps kicks up. Insane Fortune celebrates their first tag team victory as Destructoras regroup on the outside. If their mentor Horado Basa didn’t have so much on his plate, he might be pissed off that they lost again. We cut to commercials.

Oh hell yeah, it’s another match! And there is a debut! “Spitfire” Harvey Francis is in the ring and he is staring down “Trailer Park Barbie” Daisy Duke. Jamie Mayer is on the apron, whispering something in Francis’ ear. He gets closer to see if he can listen too, which draws the ire of Duke. Referee Kate McHale calls for the bell and Duke slaps Francis in the face!

DICK DELAURIER: Welcome to RAZOR Wrestling…

FIONA METZ: You mark ass bitch!

Francis backs off, hands up. Duke charges at him but he hits her with a drop toe hold, floats over, and applies a laying front face lock. Duke fights up, slips out, crawls through his legs, and kicks him in the ass! Francis stumbles forward into the nearest corner and turns just in time to eat a leaping knee strike from Duke.

DICK DELAURIER: You know that Daisy Duke wants to get some momentum back after losing to Jack McGrath last week. He is in the GRBG Championship Match tonight and she isn’t.

FIONA METZ: Oh is she not?

DICK DELAURIER: Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.

FIONA METZ: Oh is it the lowest?

Standing on the second rope, pinning Francis into the corner, Duke starts laying in some punches. After a half dozen, Francis slips between her and pulls her left leg out from underneath her which sends “Trailer Park Barbie” face first into the op turnbuckle. Duke turns around, holding her mouth, and Francis blasts her with a superkick. Duke drops and Francis makes the first cover of the contest.

1..

2!

Duke kicks out right at two and then rolls out of the ring to get some time to recover. Francis exits the ring and goes after her but Duke rolls back in under the bottom rope. Francis looks to do the same but Mayer grabs him by the leg! This momentary distraction affords Duke time to shoot over the top rope with a cross body! She lands on Francis and both of them fall to the floor in a heap.

DICK DELAURIER: In a shocking turn of events, Jamie Mayer has inserted herself into this contest.

FIONA METZ: That conjures up a weird image.

DICK DELAURIER: Please explain.

FIONA METZ: No. There are children watching.

“Trailer Park Barbie” is clearly enraged! You can tell because she is stomping on Francis’ head like he owes her a fair amount of money. Francis fights up to his feet and when Duke goes for a kick to his gut, he grabs her boot and pulls her into a Go Home Driver on the floor! Jamie Mayer is beside herself! Francis stands, blows a kiss to Mayer, and then rolls Duke into the ring.

FIONA METZ: That is straight up sexual harassment.

DICK DELAURIER: OH IS IT?

FIONA METZ: I see what you’re doing and now that it has been done to me I do not care for it.

“Spitfire” ascends to the top rope with Vegas firmly supporting him. Francis calls out to the people and then dives off of the top rope with an elbow drop that — misses! Duke rolls out of the way and Frances drives his own elbow into the canvas. Duke shoots in and rolls “Spitfire” up.

1..

2..

..!

Daisy Duke nearly had him! “Trailer Park Barbie” pounds the mat in frustration. Francis takes refuge in the corner but Duke advances and blasts him with I95 (Corner Superkick)! Francis staggers to the middle of the ring and Duke rolls him up again!

1..

2..

..!

Francis kicks out again, earning a big pop from Las Vegas! Duke calls something to Mayer and the latter slips a present into the ring for her pal. Referee McHale sees all of this happen and immediately disarms Duke. It was…lipstick? While McHale is distracted, Mayer reaches through the ropes and sprays Francis in the eyes with pepper spray! Francis screams in agony and Duke takes that as her cue. She goes to advance on him but Francis rolls out of the ring!

DICK DELAURIER: That ring awareness may have just saved this match for Harvey Francis.

FIONA METZ: My man has been blound! He isn’t gonna win.

DICK DELAURIER: Blound?

FIONA METZ: Blinded sounds wrong.

On the outside Francis approaches the timekeepers table and Chuck Lock hands him a bottle of water. Francis does his best to flush his eyes and it seems to work because this is professional wrestling and we don’t follow the general lengths of time that it takes to recover from certain things. At least in a match. Duke is out of the ring and she hits Francis with a dropkick that sends “Spitfire” over the timekeeper’s table and right into Lock’s lap!

FIONA METZ: No! Look out Chuckie Baby!

DICK DELAURIER: No good deed goes unpunished.

Duke laughs at Francis and then rolls back into the ring. She instructs McHale to start counting but the referee refuses! Duke screeches at her but McHale says no. McHale can be heard saying that she can smell the pepper spray! Francis recovers and rolls into the ring but Duke hits Slip And Slide (Soccer Slide Tackle) right into his face!

FIONA METZ: Oh that was greasy. I like it.

“Trailer Park Barbie” climbs to the top rope and measures Francis for the Delaware Destroyer leg drop. She leaps off but Francis moves at the last second. Duke spikes her tailbone into the canvas and makes no sound. She just has a look of agonized shock on her face. Francis finds the strength to gather Duke up and he plants her with Fallen Lotus (Small Package Driver)! Francis cover as Mayer loses her shit at ringside. McHale makes the count.

1..

2..

..3!

BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here is your winner, “Spitfire” Harvey Francis!

"Mimi's Delivery Service" by Good Kid kicks up. Referee Kate McHale raises “Spitfire” Harvey Francis’ arm. Duke slowly rolls out of the ring into Jamie Mayer’s awaiting arms. Francis tries to celebrate but his eyes are buggered. Let us now move onto something else.
We find ourselves outside the Time Warp Cinema House, this is called an establishing shot. The shot transitions to the interior and more specifically, the concessions area. There is no one there save for a very old man who is manning the register and a young woman sitting on the counter with a bag of popcorn. This is "Masutakira" Cazzie Omura.

CAZZIE OMURA: Oh boo hoo. Hope Freya lost because of me. I’ve been hearing it all week, getting it from all angles on social media. So what? I thought this place was supposed to be the island of misfit toys or something? I did misfit shit! You can’t honestly be upset about it.

Omura looks over at the elderly man with a “right?” gesture. He doesn’t react.

CAZZIE OMURA: I’ll be honest, I really didn’t do it for PJ Lemon. I didn’t even do it to piss off Hope Freya. I just wanted to be the difference maker. I decided who became the first World Champion. Do I have a god complex? Probably. But it’s more like I’m just a narcissist who wanted to make the first World Title Match about me.

“Masutakira” flashes a big obnoxious grin.

CAZZIE OMURA: Hope got caught in the crossfire. Shit happens. If she is still raw about it when she gets out of that burn unit then she can come find me. But until then, I’ve got my sights set on making some more history here in RAZOR Wrestling. How I am going to do that is my business and none of you are gonna know about it until it happens. Now be gone, I want to watch The Woman With Four Boobs.

Omura waves the camera away and we cut to a commercial break.
The scene cuts to the locker room of Jack McGrath. He is all business tonight as he tightens his ring boots with his back turned to the camera. The atmosphere in the arena echoes backstage, excitement building for the upcoming match and the Main Event. Total focus is etched on the professional wrestler’s face. A knock on the door is heard.

JACK MCGRATH: Yes, come in.

How polite. Jack is then utterly stunned as a hulking older man maneuvers through the doorway and into the locker room. The man adorns a peak Bostonian scally cap, a cane, and a magnificent mustache.

JACK MCGRATH: Dad?! What are you doing here?!

Father and Son embrace, both grinning from ear to ear.

MISTER MCGRATH: I always told you I’d be there for your first Championship match, and well, here I am.

Jack is over the moon. He has the opportunity to not only win his first professional wrestling title, but to win this thing in front of his Dad.

JACK MCGRATH: I’m at a loss for words. This is an absolute honor. I won’t let you down tonight.

Mister McGrath simply shakes his head.

MISTER MCGRATH: It’s not about that, Jack. It was never about the championships or being in the spotlight. It was always about chasing your dream. Go out there, and try your fucking best. Like you always do. Sure, I’m proud that you’re in the Main Event tonight, but just be yourself, and keep working hard. Good things will come…

A pause for dramatic effect.

MISTER MCGRATH: Now, let’s show the world what the McGraths are made of.

JACK MCGRATH: Thanks, pops.

MISTER MCGRATH: And, as always, stay safe out there…

Next up is a tag team grudge match of sorts as Strike 2 Kill (Liam Richardson and Miles Watson) make their debut against Sud Ognya (Samhain and Sergei Ivanov). With both teams in the ring and Gregory Murphy at ringside for S2K, we get a look at what happened last week.

Liam Richardson and Miles Watson hit Samhain from behind and then they go after Ivanov! Samhain looks to defend “The Mystic Tsar” but Gregory Murphy is here too, albeit very banged up! Samhain gets eyes on him and looks to finish what he started last week but Storm catches the monster with a dropkick to the back of the head that sends him reeling toward the edge of the stage!

FIONA METZ: Oh he’s not gonna fall off. No chance.

S2K fight Ivanov through the curtain and Vegas has come unglued!

In the ring Liam Richardson starts the match off against Sergei Ivanov with Zach Ebra as your referee. Ivanov invites Richardson to take his best shot and the kid has no problem obliging “The Mystic Tsar”. Richardson darts across the ring and blasts Ivanov with a running forearm smash but Ivanov just eats it. Richardson hits a few thigh kicks but Ivanov barely flinches. The Russian just laughs and palms Richardson’s forehead.

FIONA METZ: Oh I hope Richardson starts swinging like in a cartoon!

DICK DELAURIER: What about this match feels like a cartoon to you?

FIONA METZ: …everything?

Ivanov drives Richardson into a corner and then hits him with several knees to the midsection. “The Mystic Tsar” tries to shoot Richardson across the ring but the latter slides on his knee, slips behind Ivanov and hits him with a chop block. Richardson tags in Miles Watson and then shoots Ivanov into their corner. Watson hits a flurry of corner forearm smashes and then cracks Ivanov in the face with an enziguiri! Ivanov drops to a seated position and Richardson levels him with a running uppercut.

DICK DELAURIER: S2K are a well oiled machine and they are going to have to be. If Samhain gets ahold of either one of them then it doesn’t matter how good their tandem offence is.

FIONA METZ: Yeah he’s already almost killed two of their buddies. They need to recognize!

“The Mystic Tsar” starts to get to his feet and Watson sizes him up. Watson charges in and looks for a slingblade but Ivanov spikes him into the canvas with a uranage! Ivanov makes the tag to Samhain and Vegas collectively gasps. The monster steps over the rope and readies himself. Ivanov shoots Watson toward Samhain and Watson nearly gets his head taken off by a big boot from “Hell’s Refuse”.

FIONA METZ: Here comes Hell! You and your friend are dead!

DICK DELAURIER: They very well might be.

Samhain hammers down blows on Watson as Ivanov gets back on the apron. Not wanting his monster to get all of the glory, Ivanov demands to be tagged back in. Samhain hesitates but after further prompting from his “master”, Samhain makes the tag. Ivanov shouts something in Russian and Samhain lifts Watson off of the canvas with a two handed choke! Watson’s legs are dangling for a few seconds before Samhain tosses Ivanov forward right into a German suplex from Ivanov!

DICK DELAURIER: What a double team from Sud Ognya!

FIONA METZ: This kid was just sent to the fucking Shadow Realm.

DICK DELAURIER: That’s what they should call that move.

FIONA METZ: No! That’s what I call my vagina.

DICK DELAURIER: Good Lord.

Richardson can only watch as Ivanov sits Watson up and grabs him by the hair, forcing him to stare through the ropes at Gregory Murphy, who is pacing at ringside. Ivanov drops several hard elbows onto Watson’s collarbone and then drags him over to the Sud Ognya corner. Ivanov shouts more Russian to Samhain and makes the tag. Ivanov stands Watson in place and Sud Ognya set him up for their lariat/spear combination! Both Samhain and Ivanov hit opposing ropes but when they charge and meet in the middle of the ring, Watson has leapt out of the way! Ivanov hit Samhain with a spear that took the monster down!

FIONA METZ: Sergei! What have you done?

Watson turns to his partner and dives to make the tag. He gets it! Vegas pops big! Richardson hops into the ring and hits Ivanov with a running European uppercut that sends him through the ropes to the floor. Samhain sits up and Richardson smashes him in the face with a soccer kick! Richardson calls to Watson and they immediately set Samhain up. Within seconds, they have floored Samhain with Shoot 2 Kill! (Double wrist locks to a kneeling opponent transitioned into double short-arm high knee strikes)! Samhain is down! Richardson covers.

1..!

The audience can’t believe it! Samhain has kicked out at one! Neither Richardson or Watson can believe it either! Samhain gets to his feet but falls back into his corner, where Ivanov makes the blind tag. Ivanov charges at both members of S2K but Richardson puts him face first into the mat with a drop toe hold. S2K sandwich Ivanov’s head with double dropkicks! Watson goes out onto the apron and Richardson makes the tag!

DICK DELAURIER: S2K is rolling! This is their opportunity!

Richardson immediately charges across the ring and hits Samhain with a front dropkick that takes the monster off of the apron. S2K haul Ivanov up and then plant him into the canvas with Destination EXILE (Samoan Driver by Watson and Michinoku Driver by Richardson)! Watson makes the cover and Richardson plays defense.

1..

2..

..3!

BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here are your winners, Liam Richardson and Miles Watson, Strike 2 Kill!

"I Ain't Finished" by Ghostpoet cues up but Samhain is back in the ring. S2K bailed out, having seen enough of Ivanov’s monster. S2K regroups with Gregory Murphy and he stands between them, raising their hands. Samhain starts losing his shit in the ring as we cut to a commercial break, just in case he murders someone. Someone like you!
We return from our commercial break. What could be next? "Symphony No. 5" by Ludwig van Beethoven so you know what’s next. After serving a two week suspension, “Maître Artiste” Pascal Gaudin steps out onto the stage with his paramour Sabine Moreau at his side. He doesn’t exactly get a warm welcome. Because he is a dick and a Frenchman. The duo slowly strut to the ring as the fans hurl insults at them both.

They enter the ring and Moreau retrieves a microphone for “The Rembrandt of The Ring”. It takes a few moments but eventually the crowd shuts their pie holes.

PASCAL GAUDIN: Las Vegas, je sais que nous vous avons manqué. You are being coy with us but we know that the love is their.

They fucking hate him.

PASCAL GAUDIN: However, we do not want your love. Dégoûtant! No, what we want… what we deserve… is the opportunity that was withheld from us. From me. I am the owner of one of the best win/loss records in ALLLLLLL of RAZOR Wrestling. And yet I ‘ave not been told when I will receive my World Championship Match.

Vegas lets him know that they don’t think he deserves it.

PASCAL GAUDIN: Now Mr. ‘ank, I know you are busy with the kidnapping that you failed to prevent but I would appreciate it if you would come out 'ere and tell me when I will be challenging PJ Lemon. Do not worry Mr. ‘ank, I will not ‘urt you this time.

A few moments pass as Gaudin awaits his answer. Then Short Change Hero by The Heavy begins to play through the PA system, as smoke begins to rise from the stage and appearing on the screen above are the following words;


A massive pop ensues as emerging from the back is Your Hero and Mine, Mark Storm; who keeps himself composed as he stands at the top of the entrance ramp. He can't help but allow his signature smirk to appear upon his lips as he closes his eyes and spreads his arms out wide, soaking in the energy that the audience are giving him as they applaud and cheer. He has a microphone in hand and begins his walk down the entrance ramp, with a leather coat completing his attire.


He glares at Pascal, grinning from ear to ear, soaking in the rest of the cheers coming from the audience, shaking his head sideways as he lowers it, before jumping into the ring. 

MARK STORM: Listen now bud...Pascal Gaudin, if there's anybody that deserves a shot at the RAZOR Wrestling World Championship... it's the guy who's been undefeated since he got here, who's had to go through two monsters in the process and is still standing, Your Hero, and Mine -

"MARK STORM!"

The crowd chants, with Storm standing stagnant, not even needing to reiterate, as his signature smirk plasters over his lips.

MARK STORM: ;Now I know I'm a little beat up right now, Pascal, but hell, I'd be more than happy to go through you, too. So next week, how about it? You and I? One on one, let's settle it. And may the best man win.

Gaudin takes a moment to confer with Moreau and then he scoffs with a, “Oui”. Gaudin and Moreau leave the ring, disgusted by the whole encounter. Storm watches as the duo walk up the ramp.

Mark Storm has left the ring as an obscene amount of various tables are brought to ringside. A figure has also been ushered to the ring as various crew members stack the tables all around the ring. The man steps up onto the apron and through the ropes, it is none other than Sonam Lanka Jr.!

SONAM LANKA JR.: Welcome RAZOR Wrestling fans to your main event! My name is Sonam Lanka Jr. and I am the proprietor of Sonam Lanka Event Rental Palace. My father started…

Something catches Lanka’s eye. It’s Big Mouth Mindy giving him a “cut that” motion. Lanka sighs but agrees.

SONAM LANKA JR.: …fuck it. To win this contest you will have to put your opponent through the most tables within a fifteen minute time limit! The winner will be crowned the first ever RAZOR Wrestling GRBG Champion, all thanks to your friends at Sonam Lanka Event Rental Palace! Now let’s get ready to ru–

Mindy screams “No!”. That phrase is copyrighted, man. Lanka sighs again and drops the microphone before leaving the ring to sit at ringside.

As the two competitors make their entrances, four tables are slid into the ring by the crew. “Juggernaut" by Cave In cues up and Vegas pops as Jack McGrath makes his way out onto the stage and down the ramp. McGrath stops to greet his father, Mister McGrath, who is seated at ringside.

DICK DELAURIER: Jack's Dad "Mister McGrath" is ringside watching his son in his first Championship match. This could be a wonderful moment for father and son.

FIONA METZ: Or a crippling disappointment that leads to Mister McGrath disowning Jack.

DICK DELAURIER: Also possible.

"Suffa" by (hed) PE hits and Murder Ninja sprints down to the ring. He doesn’t want to wait to get this match going! Referee Diego Leach calls for the bell and the clock starts ticking on our modest tron. The scores read 0-0 and we are in full swing. Ninja jumps at McGrath but gets guided hard into the nearest corner.

DICK DELAURIER: Former teammates turned enemies here tonight in our main event!

FIONA METZ: They teamed together once.

DICK DELAURIER: Still counts.

McGrath hits Ninja with a series of quick body shots and then takes a step back. McGrath tells the crowd to “ssshhhh” and then hits Ninja with one of the loudest knife edge chops you’ve ever heard in your life. Ninja lets out in pain but McGrath ain’t done. He hits Ninja with another. And another, and another! Ninja drops in the corner and Vegas is all about McGrath.

DICK DELAURIER: Jack McGrath wants to make his Dad proud here tonight.

FIONA METZ: Well he’s already failed because he wrestles in this company.


The fan favourite picks up a table and starts to set it up but Ninja ain’t dead yet and he flies through the air, catching McGrath in the side of the head with a thrust kick. McGrath drops to a knee and then props the table up in the corner. Ninja then measures McGrath and unloads a superkick but McGrath evades it and blasts Ninja with a heavy lariat!

DICK DELAURIER: Ninja was turned inside out! McGrath’s power is no joke!

FIONA METZ: Y’know, Stu Royd told me that…

DICK DELAURIER: Oh don’t.

The fans are buzzing as McGrath stalks Ninja. The drug addled daredevil gets to his feet and McGrath catches him in a half nelson. McGrath lifts Ninja up, pivots and tosses him backward over head with a half nelson suplex right through the table in the corner! It explodes into toothpicks and McGrath picks up the first point!

DICK DELAURIER: Jack McGrath with the early lead!


Thinking wisely, Ninja rolls out of the ring to recover. But McGrath isn’t going to let that happen. Ninja finds himself a glass top coffee table and gets an idea but it doesn’t have time to develop because McGrath rounds the corner of the ring and blasts him with another lariat! McGrath immediately hoists Ninja up and plants him through the glass coffee table with a powerslam! The fans in Vegas are losing their minds! Bobby Shitake Arena is loud as fuck.

FIONA METZ: Oh I was gonna steal that for my house.

DICK DELAURIER: I thought you said you lost your apartment?

FIONA METZ: No I said I was losing it. Squatters rights.


McGrath is up by two and he is hardly finished. He waits for Ninja to get to his feet and when he does, McGrath charges at him. Knowing that he can’t let McGrath’s momentum continue, Ninja ducks his head at the last second and hits McGrath with a back body drop! He barely gets the big man over but McGrath comes crashing down through a conveniently placed plastic patio table! Vegas boos and you know Ninja, he doesn’t give a shit.

DICK DELAURIER: A patio table!?


McGrath is clearly in a ton of pain when Ninja gathers him up. Ninja is struggling to get the big bastard up to his feet but somehow he manages to nail McGrath with Eff Ur Face (pumphandle lifted knee strike)! Vegas is starting to quiet as Ninja lays McGrath on a nearby table! Ninja winks at Mister McGrath in the front row and then climbs up to the apron. Ninja wastes no time, he leaps off the apron with a diving double foot stomp to put McGrath through a second table!

FIONA METZ: Oh shit baby we’re all tied up! Just like I like it.

DICK DELAURIER: You need to stop with that.

FIONA METZ: I like soccer!


We are all tied up. Ninja slowly gets to his feet and then immediately he goes over to the guard rail and gets in Mister McGrath’s face. Mister McGrath looks like he is going to swing on Ninja but Jack sees what is happening and musters the strength to get to his feet! Jack comes out of nowhere, barrelling toward his opponent. Ninja sees it coming, steps up and off the barricade to catch Jack with a cutter!

DICK DELAURIER: You have to think that Ninja suckered McGrath into that one.

FIONA METZ: Yeah I mean, why would you let your Dad come watch this shit?

Ninja sticks out his tongue at Mister McGrath and then starts looking around for another weapon. What does he find? A children’s picnic table. Ninja rubs his chin, trying to think of how to use it. Instead of trying to put McGrath through it, he picks it up and launches it at him. The table bonks off of McGrath’s head and drops him. With McGrath down, Ninja finds another glass coffee table and slides it into the ring. He also slides in another regular table.

Ready to attempt to take the lead, Ninja charges at McGrath and goes for a hurricanranna! But McGrath is a powerful man. He holds Ninja up and seems to be looking for a powerbomb. Ninja hammers on McGrath’s head and is able to land on his feet. McGrath hits him with a chop and then drops him with Bang the Drum (Hangman's Neckbreaker) on the outside!

DICK DELAURIER: Jack McGrath is back in control, looking to break this tie!

A man possessed, that’s the best way to describe Jack McGrath at this point. He collects a table and sets it up on top of the announcers table! McGrath hauls Ninja up onto the apron, and then up to the top rope. Mister McGrath watches on with concern as McGrath uses all of his power to lift Ninja up on the top rope and then he takes an incredible leap! McGrath brings Ninja crashing down through the standard table AND the announce table! Metz and Delaurier flee just in time!

FIONA METZ: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!


SONAM LANKA JR.: The announce table was not provided by Sonam Lanka Event Rental Palace! Only one of those counts.

Vegas boos that little announcement as Murder Ninja is out cold. McGrath slowly gets to his feet and glances at the big screen. He looks over to his Dad, who gives him a “You got this.” McGrath nods and peels Ninja off of the floor. McGrath rolls him into the ring and looks ready to end this thing.

FIONA METZ: This asshole is going to get a bill! My cellphone is destroyed!

DICK DELAURIER: Come on, it was a burner.

FIONA METZ: I didn’t say it would be a big bill.

McGrath gets in the ring and looks for the insurance marker. He sets up a table in front of one of the corners and then goes to get Ninja up. But Ninja pounces on him! Ninja has a broken piece of table in his fist and he stabs McGrath in the eye! McGrath rolls around the ring in agony and Ninja takes a bigger piece of table and smashes it over McGrath’s head! McGrath is on dream street!

DICK DELAURIER: DID HE JUST STAB HIM IN THE EYE!?

FIONA METZ: OH HELL YEAH HE DID!

Ninja sees the regular table set up and he gets another idea. He takes the second glass coffee table and slides it under the regular table. Ninja lays McGrath on the table and then quickly climbs to the top rope. Without hesitation, the busted up Ninja hits McGrath with Im-possible (630 Senton) through the regular table and the glass coffee table beneath it!


McGrath is folded up into a horrible, bloody, mess. McGrath grabs at his bloodied eye socket as the timer counts down.

..3!

..2!

..1!

BIG MOUTH MINDY: Here is your winner, and NEW RAZOR Wrestling GRBG Champion, Murder Ninja!

"Suffa" by (hed) PE hits. Diego Leach raises Murder Ninja’s hand as Sonam Lanka Jr. enters the ring and presents Ninja with the GRBG Championship. Las Vegas is in shock and Lanka can’t seem to understand why they are booing. Ninja holds the title high in the air, before collapsing.

DICK DELAURIER: What the hell have we just seen?

FIONA METZ: More than Jack McGrath.

Mister McGrath hops the barricade and comes to his aid his son Jack. Jack lays on the canvas, holding his left eye as blood runs down his face. Our final shot is of Mister McGrath holding his boy in his arms in the middle of the ring with a quiet stir from the usual rowdy crowd, as medical staff rushes to the ring. We’re done here.